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    #1

    basketball sensation

    Please check the following essay.

    My name is Michael. Iím 183cm tall and 80kg weight. Iím a nice boy who likes to make friends. If you want to make a friend with me, you are welcome to Class 913. In my free time, I like to play basketball with my friends or play computer games to amuse myself. Besides, I like to go camping with my family on holidays. Camping is great for it provides an opportunity to experience an outdoor life. It teaches me to be independent, courageous and resourceful. My idol is Jeremy Lin, who has made a basketball sensation in NBA. I hope I can follow Linís step to chase my dream!

  1. moonlike's Avatar
    • Member Info
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      • English Teacher
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      • Persian
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      • Iran
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      • Iran

    • Join Date: Mar 2012
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    #2

    Re: basketball sensation

    Quote Originally Posted by Ashiuhto View Post
    Please check the following essay.

    My name is Michael. I’m 183cm tall and 80kg. I’m a nice boy who likes to make friends. If you want to make friends with me, you are welcome to Class 913. In my free time, I like to play basketball with my friends or play computer games to amuse myself. Besides, I like to go camping with my family on holidays. Camping is great, for it provides an opportunity to experience an outdoor life. It teaches me to be independent, courageous and resourceful. My idol is Jeremy Lin, who has made a basketball sensation in NBA. I hope I can follow Lin’s step to chase my dream!
    I have also deleted two parts.
    Good luck

  2. Barb_D's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
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    • Join Date: Mar 2007
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    #3

    Re: basketball sensation

    Quote Originally Posted by Ashiuhto View Post
    Please check the following essay.

    My name is Michael. I’m 183cm tall and weigh 80kg. I’m a nice boy who likes to make friends. If you want to make friends with me, you are welcome to come to Class 913. In my free time, I like to play basketball with my friends or play computer games. I also like to go camping with my family on holidays. Camping is great because it provides an opportunity to experience the outdoors and it teaches me to be independent, courageous and resourceful. My idol is Jeremy Lin, who has become a basketball sensation in the NBA. I hope I can follow in Lin’s footstep as I chase my dream!
    I'm not happy wit hthe "as I chase my dream." Try "My dream is to follow in Lin's footsteps."

    You do indeed sound like a nice boy. Good luck :)
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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