Ielts essay, writing task 2. Please give your opinion, corrections, suggestions

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SparkySpot

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Due to the new technologies and the internet, radio is going to disappear in a few years.
Do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give your opinion.

In our fast developing world there are a lot of new technologies that are being used more often than the old-fashioned ones. The radio, that not so long ago was the main information and communication source has been replaced by television, cellular phones and the internet. It is claimed that the radio will disappear in the closest future. I strongly disagree with this statement.

All of the media types work on different perceptual channels of people. The radio mainly focuses on the auditory channel and lets the listener to turn his/her imagination. Furthermore, the radio can pass big pieces of information in short period of time. For example, the news broadcasts every hour talk about the main events in the local areas or the traffic situation on the roads. And everyone enjoys good music while riding the car.

Contrary to this, television and the internet that are widely spread these days use the visual channel more along with the auditory. The colorful images fast shifted and the flashy shows of the television can be very tiring and a person can’t watch those for a long time. Thus, not get all the possible information he/she could have. The internet, likewise, uses visual pictures to pass information but in order to get the precise amount of it a deeper exploring must be made and this can take a lot of time.
To sum up, there are still a lot of positive features to the radio. Although the possibility to get more information through television and the internet exists, the claim that the radio will fade away within a couple of years is not true. Frankly speaking, I think that the radio is very valuable to us and we can’t let it vanish from our world.

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gaubuxu

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In our fast developing world, there are a lot of new technologies that are being used more often than the old-fashioned ones. Not so long ago,the radio [STRIKE]that not so long ago[/STRIKE] that was the main information and communication source has been replaced by television, cellular phones and the internet. It is claimed that the radio will disappear in the closest future. I strongly disagree with this statement.


All of the media types work on different perceptual channels of people. First of all, the radio mainly focuses on the auditory channel and let [STRIKE]the [/STRIKE]listeners[STRIKE] to turn[/STRIKE] picture in [STRIKE]his/her[/STRIKE] their mind[STRIKE]imagination[/STRIKE]. Furthermore, the radio can pass big pieces of information in short period of time. For example, the news broadcasts[STRIKE] every hour[/STRIKE] talk about the main events in the local areas or the traffic situation on the roads every hour. And everyone enjoys good music while [STRIKE]riding[/STRIKE] driving car.


[STRIKE]Contrary to this[/STRIKE]On the contrary, televisions and the internet [STRIKE]that[/STRIKE]are widely spread [STRIKE]these days[/STRIKE] and use the visual channel [STRIKE]more along with the auditory[/STRIKE]. The colorful images fast shifted and the flashy shows of the television can be very tiring and a person can’t watch those for a long time (not clear and weird). Thus, not get all the possible information he/she could have ( not a completed sentence) . The internet, likewise, uses visual pictures to pass information but in order to get the precise amount of it a deeper exploring must be made and this can take a lot of time.


To sum up, there are still a lot of positive features [STRIKE]to [/STRIKE] of the radio. Although the possibility to get more information through television and the internet exists ( not clear ), the claim that the radio will fade away within a couple of years is not true. Frankly [STRIKE]speaking[/STRIKE], I think that the radio is very valuable to us and we can’t let it vanish from our world.


your essay is not good, it is not strong enough to convince others
you should learn by heart the methods of writing a good paragrapth first before writing an essay. You have good ideas but you need to express them more clearly and more naturally
you must notice to phrase words, structure of sentences, and grammar
 
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