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  1. #1
    Jai Lones is offline Newbie
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    Exclamation Edit my story please :) I need to get an A for English on this story!

    We were assigned to make a fiction story and it's a major grade.

    Title: A person that plays with life
    Short description: A story about two sisters, with a tragic ending

    I've lived to bury my desires
    and see my dreams corrode with rust
    now all that's left are fruitless fires
    that burn my empty heart to dust.


    Struck by the clouds of cruel fate
    My crown of Summer bloom is sere
    Alone and sad, I watch and wait
    And wonder if the end is near.


    As conquered by the last cold air
    When Winter whistles in the wind
    Alone upon a branch that's bare
    A trembling leaf is left behind.
    -Alexander Pushkin


    "I wonder what Alexander was thinking about when he wrote that poem." My younger sister stared at me, her usual neat blond hair tangled and her bright blue eyes now dimmed with exhaustion. "We will never understand what a person is thinking. It's one of the biggest flaw and beauty about humans." I whispered slowly. We were hugging inside the tiny hospital bed, her head rested on my chest.
    "Sissy, if I die will you miss me?" I looked down at her sharply, "of course Caroline! Mom and dad already died, don't leave me too. You're the only family I have." She sighed deeply, her eyes drooping. "But sissy, they died by saving people, their death was heroic." Her voice was soft, "But I wouldn't leave you, I love you." I stroke her head, "I love you too."
    She fell asleep soon, and silently I slipped out of her arms and picked up my dirty backpack; looking at the worn out brown I realized my Senior year was ending and soon I would be a freshman in college.
    "I'll be back soon Carol, wait for me until then." I quietly said, snapping out of my daydream. The white poppies that was beside her resting lovely in a vase while the sunlight stream from the clear windows to the plain white wall, as Caroline slept beautifully with the light blue sheets covering her body. It was almost like a painting; a bittersweet yet beautiful painting.
    I ran out the door, the feeling of peace tugging my heart.


    After school, I visited my sister carrying a cupcake. Today she would be sixteen years old, surviving two more years than the doctor had said.
    "Caroline I bought your favorite cupcake!" I opened the door and found the nurses crying, instantly my eyes drew to the bed but yet it was empty. "Where is she!?" I demanded, the nice-looking nurse rushed towards me. "We tried to call you Angelina, but you didn't answer. She killed herself!"
    I dropped the cupcake and ran away from the room, frantically screaming Caroline's name in the hallway, running blindly.
    "Caroline where are you! Please! Where are you, where did you go?" I sobbed, my legs gave out. "You promised! You promised you wouldn't leave me. Please Caroline!" A pair of gentle hands touched my back and picked me up, holding me close to the person big chest.
    "It'll be alright." I heard a familiar deep smooth voice,"everything will be alright."


    Alone upon a branch that's bare
    A trembling leaf is left behind.
    Sissy, I will ask you again. I've died, do you miss me? We both knew you never loved me. You have won, and yet why have you gained nothing? Your future will be filled with unhappiness and sorrow, or, was that your real intention? As you say, We will never understand what a person is thinking. It's one of the biggest flaw and beauty about humans.

    The words written clean and steady. "Elliot, where did you find this letter?" A deep smooth voice said out loud from the closet. "She hid it inside the flower vase, she's a clever girl I reckon."
    I ripped it into pieces, letting them slip from my fingers. Watching the paper as it flows to the ground, one by one. "Caroline was clever, but in truth, she knew nothing." I grabbed the knife that was hidden inside my shirt and silently walked to the closet. Alone upon a branch that's bare, a trembling leaf is left behind. a tiny pinch of pain started on my chest, and slowly it spread as I raised my knife, and consumed me whole as we both crumbled to the ground.

    Quote Source:

    Alexander Pushkin. Alexander Pushkin Quotes. Retrieved 13 April 2012 from goodreads: Quote by Aleksandr Sergeevich Pushkin: I've lived to bury my desires and see my dream...

  2. #2
    Barb_D's Avatar
    Barb_D is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Edit my story please :) I need to get an A for English on this story!

    I'm sorry, but this is not a fair request. Your teacher needs to see what you can do, not what you can do with the help of editors. However, after you turn it in, if you get comments you don't understand or could use some extra help, please ask then.

    I will tell you that every new speaker needs a new paragraph. You have a lot of dialogue, so that means you will have many paragraphs. That's okay, and it makes it much easier to read.

    Don't join sentences with a comma. You need a period/full stop.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  3. #3
    AMK-future writer's Avatar
    AMK-future writer is offline Junior Member
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    Default Re: Edit my story please :) I need to get an A for English on this story!

    Did he died too,his brother?
    well according to me the story is intresting and wonderful. I wish and hope you will get grade 'A' for it.

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