Re: Edit my story please :) I need to get an A for English on this story!
I'm sorry, but this is not a fair request. Your teacher needs to see what you can do, not what you can do with the help of editors. However, after you turn it in, if you get comments you don't understand or could use some extra help, please ask then.
I will tell you that every new speaker needs a new paragraph. You have a lot of dialogue, so that means you will have many paragraphs. That's okay, and it makes it much easier to read.
Don't join sentences with a comma. You need a period/full stop.
I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.