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  1. #1
    Faten.88's Avatar
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    Help me to correct this crime

    I have written a simple play about a crime and I need your help to correct it. This is a part of the play.
    Police Officer: What is the matter? why are you hurrying ?Man: Nothing,nothing
    Police Officer: Why are you afraid?
    Man: There,there are a dead man in the zoo.
    Police Officer: Where did you see that?
    Man:There in the giraffe cage.
    Police Officer: Take us to the place.
    ((After they arrive to the place))
    Police Officer: He died, call the emergency and the inspector.
    Doctor: He died by hanging, this is the rope and there is an impact on the body.
    Inspector: police,take the evidence to the lab.where is the man who were in the place of the crime?
    Man: I am here,sir.
    Inspector: Tell us ,what happened exactly?

    I can accept any suggestions.

  2. #2
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    Re: Help me to correct this crime

    Help me to correct this crime

    I have written a simple play about a crime and I need your help to correct it. This is a part of the play.


    Police Officer: What is the matter? Why are you in such a hurrying hurry? Man: Nothing, nothing
    Police Officer: Why are you afraid?
    Man: There, there are is a dead man in the zoo.
    Police Officer: Where did you see that?
    Man: Over there in the giraffe cage.
    Police Officer: Take us to the place!
    ((After they arrived to at the place)) Police Officer: He died; call the emergency and the inspector!
    Doctor: He died by hanging; this is the rope and there is an impact on the body were traces of injury around his neck. Inspector: Police Officer, take the evidence to the lab! Where is the man who were was in the place on the scene of the crime?
    Man: I am here was there, sir.
    Inspector: Tell us, what happened exactly?

    I can accept any suggestions.

    februar, no teacher

  3. #3
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    Re: Help me to correct this crime

    Why does the man say "Nothing, nothing"?

    Instead of "take us to that place" try "Show me where!" or "Take me there!"
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  4. #4
    Faten.88's Avatar
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    Re: Help me to correct this crime

    Thanks for your helping and suggestions. This is the second part, please have a look.


    Man: I was near the monkey cage ,suddenly I heard voice so I ran to this place
    Police man: Sir, we did not find any finger prints on the rope.
    Inspector : are there any workers her?
    Police man:yes, sir ,there are two workers .
    Inspector : let him come here.
    Workers: What is the matter?we did not do any thing.
    Inspector:Where were you at the time of the crime ?
    First worker: I was feeding the elephant in his cage
    Inspector :And you?
    Second worker:I was with him cleaning the cage.
    Inspector : What a difficulte issue?
    Police officer: Sir, the man said that he heard voice , which voice?
    Inspector :I do not know , ask him.
    Police Officer : Which voice did you heard

  5. #5
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    Re: Help me to correct this crime

    Quote Originally Posted by Faten.88 View Post
    Thanks for your helping and suggestions. This is the second part, please have a look.


    Man: I was near the monkey cage, when suddenly I heard a voice so I ran to this place here.
    Police man: Sir, we did not find any fingerprints (it's just one word)on the rope.
    Inspector : Are there any workers (or "employees") here?
    Police man: Yes, sir, there are two workers here.
    Inspector : let Ask him them to come here.
    Workers: What is the matter? We did not do anything (it's just one word).
    Inspector: Where were you at the time of the crime?
    First worker: I was feeding the elephant in his cage.
    Inspector : And you?
    Second worker: I was with him, cleaning the cage.
    Inspector : What a difficulte issue? I don't know what you mean here. Why is this a question? Do you mean that the Inspector just wants the people to know that he is finding this a very complicated case? If so, he might say "What a complicated case!"
    Police officer: Sir, the man said that he heard a voice. which Whose voice?
    Inspector : I do not know. Ask him.
    Police Officer : Which Whose voice did you heard hear?
    See above.

  6. #6
    Faten.88's Avatar
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    Re: Help me to correct this crime

    Thanks a lot for your corrections. Please have a last look to the last part.


    Man: It was a giraffe's voice, perhapes it was afraid.
    Inspector: Officer,catch him.
    Man: Why,sir? I did not do any thing.
    Inspector:Because you are the killer.
    Police Officer: How did you know that sir?
    Inspector:This man is a lier, giraffe does not have a voice,so how he heard its voice?
    Police Officer: Now,tell us,why did you kill him?
    Man(crying): I have taken 100000 $ from this man to start a bussines but I lost my bussines and the money.
    Police Officer: Ok,then.
    Man: Know,He wanted his money and I do not have any thing so he threated me to jail. I killed him because I do not want to jail but know you will execute me.

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