I would like somebody to find tell me what are the weakness in the response letter below, if any long lead-ins, redundancies, verbs converted to nous or any wordiness in general let me know.
Dear Mr. Burciaga
We have received your request for information. As per your request, the undersigned is transmitting to you the attached documents with regards to the improvement of security in your business. To ensure the improvement of your after-hours security, you should initially make a decision with regard to exactly what you contemplate must have protection. You are, in all probability, apprehensive not only about your electronic equipment and paraphernalia but also about your company records, information, and data.
Due to the fact that we feel you will want to obtain protection for both your equipment and data, we will make suggestions for taking a number of judicious steps to inhibit crime. First and foremost, we make a recommendation that your install defensive lighting. A consultant for lighting currently on our staff, can design both outside and inside lighting, which brings me to my second point. Exhibit Security signs, because of the fact that nonprofessional thieves are often as not deterred by posted signs on windows and doors.
As my last and final recommendation, you should install space alarms, which are sensors that lock down over the areas that are to receive protection, and activate bells or additional lights, thus scaring off intruders.
After reading the material that are attached, please call me to initiate a verbal discussion regarding protection of your business.