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  1. #1
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    Default Please help me correcting/editing/criticism my essay (very urgent and important!!!)

    I searched for help all over the place for today but no help . So this will be my last try. It's 1.35 AM already. Well here it is...

    “Schhhwak!”… That was the sound of a slap that I could not forget within the past eleven years.

    Just like every other day, my mom drove me to school because it was quite a distance from home. The streets in Ho Chi Minh City were very unsafe and crowded with fast moving vehicles; therefore, I was fortunate enough that I didn’t have to walk, unlike most of the students there. She drove a Honda 50s, an outdated motorbike. Compare to today’s superbike, the Honda 50s might seem like toy. However, it still is the most convenient and most efficient way to get around the city. While my mom was driving, the bike suddenly slowed down, and eventually came to a complete stop, the motor was dead. I realized I was going to be late for school, and I knew that I would either stand in front of the flagpole for hours or get some other ill-fated punishments. My mom tried to fix the bike, but there was no sign of success.

    “Sorry my dear,” She said. “You have to walk now. I need to get this thing fix.”

    I hemmed and hawed and reluctantly agreed. Without even saying a word of good-bye, I burst out and ran straight to school thinking that I could get there on time.

    A few minutes later, I arrived at the school’s gate and hesitantly ran to my classroom. Upon entering it, I noticed the whole class was so quiet that I could hear the sound of pages flipping through the books and notebooks. Soon after, my teacher noticed my presence, turned around, and stared at me with the face that betrayed no sign of emotion. He immediately asked, “Why are you late?” I was startled, to say the least, and frightened while trying to catch my breath. I could not give the explanation quick enough. He promptly raised his rough right hand high in midair, and slapped me hard across the face in front of all of my classmates. From that moment, the noises around me became faint ringing sounds. I simply blinked several times, seeing the room as if it was changing shapes and tilting the floor. I felt everything faded farther and farther away. My body slowly dropped to the ground. Then, I felt and saw no more, I was fainted.

    In the archaic, authoritarian Vietnamese school system, such punishment is regularly meted out to students, and I was destined to get an extra hard one.

    However, looking back to it now, I learned, that incident, that I should not be late for anything. I also realize, now, that it doesn't matter whether or not the teacher is harsh or strict; the only important thing is the memorable experience that I can learn from. As long as there is something reminiscence – slap, whip, whatever else – it is a sign that reminds me not to commit the act again or lessen it because not everything is preventable.



    By the way, thanks in advance.
    Last edited by Ultimeaciax; 16-Dec-2005 at 06:36.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Please help me correcting/editing/criticism my essay (very urgent and important!!

    “Schhhwak!”… Thwack is the sound I'd use That was the sound of a slap that I have not been able to not forget for the past eleven years.

    Just like every other day, my mom drove me to school because it was quite a distance from home. The streets in Ho Chi Minh City were very unsafe and crowded with fast moving vehicles; therefore, I was fortunate enough that I didn’t have to walk, unlike most of the students there. She drove a Honda 50s, an outdated motorbike. Compare to today’s superbike, the Honda 50s might (would??) seem like toy. However, it still is the most convenient and most efficient way to get around the city. While my mom was driving, the bike suddenly slowed down, and eventually came to a complete stop, the motor was dead. I realized I was going to be late for school, and I knew that I would either stand in front of the flagpole for hours or get some other undeserved punishments My mom tried to fix the bike, but there was no sign of success.

    “Sorry, my dear,” she said. “You have to walk now. I need to get this thing fixed.”

    I hemmed and hawed and reluctantly agreed. Without even saying a word of good-bye, I burst out and (I'd delete this, unless you add something like burst out crying. Or do you mean 'jumped off'?) ran straight to school thinking that I could get there on time.

    A few minutes later, I arrived at the school gate and hesitantly ran to my classroom. Upon entering it, I noticed the whole class was so quiet that I could hear the sound of pages flipping . Soon after that, my teacher noticed my presence, turned around, and stared at me with a face that betrayed no sign of emotion. He immediately asked, “Why are you late?” I was startled, to say the least, and frightened while trying to catch my breath. I could not give the explanation quick enough. He promptly raised his rough right hand high, and slapped me hard across the face in front of all of my classmates. From that moment, the noises around me became faint ringing sounds. I simply blinked several times, seeing the room as if it was changing shapes and the floor tilting (the room spinning?. I felt everything fading farther and farther away. My body slowly dropped to the ground. Then, I felt and saw no more; I had fainted.

    In the archaic, authoritarian Vietnamese school system, such punishment is regularly meted out to students, and I was destined to get an extra hard one.

    However, looking back on it now, I learned, through that incident, that I should not be late for anything. I also realize, now, that it doesn't matter whether or not the teacher is harsh or strict; the only important thing is the memorable experience that I can learn from. As long as there is something that reminds mea slap, whip, whatever else – it is a sign not to commit the act again or lessen (unclear- maybe just delete it) it because not everything is preventable.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Please help me correcting/editing/criticism my essay (very urgent and important!!

    Thanks again tdol,
    I have a question. For the last part, you said I should delete "lessen (unclear- maybe just delete it) it because not everything is preventable."?
    What I meant in that part was to minimize the act because sometimes like being late or tardy is unpreventable.

    Also, the part "I was destined to get an extra hard one"
    Can you come up with other other word choice instead of "an extra hard one". I don't really like the sound of it and I can't come up with one.
    Last edited by Ultimeaciax; 16-Dec-2005 at 09:05.

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Please help me correcting/editing/criticism my essay (very urgent and important!!

    Something like 'try not to do it again, or reduce it to a minimum?

    an extra hard one- verey severe?

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Please help me correcting/editing/criticism my essay (very urgent and important!!

    Thanks

  6. #6
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Please help me correcting/editing/criticism my essay (very urgent and important!!

    You're welcome.

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