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  1. #1
    seaweedwords is offline Newbie
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    Post Overcoming an adversity

    Hi please help me grade my essay! i have been failing and my o's are coming so i really need mega professional help. dont hesitate to leave comments on how to improve too! thanks

    Darkness, it is unfamiliar to many, and hides many dark secrets that our eyes cannot see. Many horror movies are also depicted at night, and the well known “Boogie Man” is only active when the sun sets, wherethere is no light, and darkness envelopes the room. Somehow as the years passby, people start to associate darkness with horror, fear. Being afraid of the dark was common, especially among young children. However, I was different; I loved the dark. Everything was calm and peaceful at night. And in darkness, I could see the sparkling stars that danced in the night sky. The beauty was indescribable. In darkness,my worries were forgotten. But not till I was six years old, when I fell from aflight of stairs and as a result, turned deaf.
    My father was the boss of a really reputable company, and we were filthy rich. If anyone knew that his daughter was deaf, anyone could easily kidnap me, knowing I was vulnerable and defenceless. So instead of sending me to learn sign language, my father sent me to a special therapist whowould teach me how to lip read. He also spent a bomb on a watch that could not only tell the time, but would also vibrate whenever someone called me on my phone, and it could also translate whatever the caller said into words so I could understand what they were saying. My father provided me the best; however itcould not totally hide the fact that I was deaf. My disability made me unable to listen to my surroundings. And as I lost one of my important senses, I heavily relied on my vision. Being in the dark not only meant that I could not lip read anyone, but I also could not see my surroundings; leaving me feeling very lost and insecure. As a result, I would turn on all the lights as soon as the sun started to set, and to the extent, sleep with the lights on too.
    That night my parents had gone for an evening dinner and wouldonly be back late at night, leaving the sixteen year old me home alone. Having aterrible headache, I went to sleep early that night, only to wake up feeling thirsty a few hours later. As I was drinking a glass of water, there was asudden power failure and the house turned pitch black. Startled, the glass of water slipped out of my hand and it broke into pieces, the sharp pieces piercing my leg. I shrieked in pain, and also in fear, as darkness enveloped my vision. I could hear my heartbeat throbbing furiously through my brain, beads of cold perspiration formed on my forehead. Limping to the phone, I frantically dialled for my parents, but was immediately sent to their invoice. I panicked.
    I crept to the corner of my house, ignoring the stinging pain that was induced at my feet. I balled myself up, tears brimming at myeyes. Suddenly I felt suffocated, panting heavily as if I had just run a marathon. The tears rolled down my flustered cheeks, and I desperately yearnedfor the comfort of my parents.
    That was when I saw it. In the middle of my panic attack, I saw the starry night sky through the translucent curtains. I hobbled over andpulled the curtains apart, and the moonlight shone upon my house, and lit itup. And that was when I realised that darkness was not that scary at all. The night sky had its beauty and it was all thanks to darkness. I felt calm and relaxed, darkness was my friend again.
    Just then, my watch vibrated; I had a call. I managed a walk over to my hand phone and answered it. “Oh it was nothing, mother! Enjoy yourdinner!” I said. Just as I put the phone down, the power came back, blinding my eyes for a wee second. Oh how the lights destroyed the beauty of the night, I thought. And with that, I turned off the lights, sleeping in darkness for the first time in ten years.

  2. #2
    seaweedwords is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Overcoming an adversity

    Quote Originally Posted by Gillnetter View Post
    You have a nice writing style but you tend to write sentences that are longer than they have to be. Your writing can be improved by careful editing. Read over your work when you are finished - make some changes. A few hours after you have finished your work, go over the piece again to check for errors.
    Thanks so much for your comments, I will take note of them! Oh and o's is a major exam for all Singaporeans who are 16 years old, and English plays a huge part in it.

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