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  1. Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    #1

    Does it sound... how to say... archaic enough?

    Hi, everyone! It's me again! I have a lot of questions! It wouldn't be so easy to get rid of me

    I need your help to make sure that all the phrases sound a little bit... archaic... no slang, no modern words, no simple forms. If you have any ideas how to improve my sentences, please, share with me! If phrases sound awkward or there is anything wrong about them, tell me, please!

    1) Bear lands with no life have driven Belbog to despair.
    2)
    Two big tears run down his cheeks. As they fall to the ground, they bring to birth a fearless warrior named PERUN and a fair woman, KOLEDA.
    3) As for Koleda, the goddess of the sky, she becomes Belbog’s wife and gives birth to a boy named SONGOD. The boy ascends high to the air shining so brightly that the darkness dies under the beams of light. This is how the Sun comes into being and life starts flourishing on the Earth.
    4) …but far away in the deepest clough Chernobog heals his wounds dreaming only about revenge. He summons an army of ugly creatures and tells them to cast a round plate from silver to be taken to the sky.
    5)
    This is how the world saw the birth of the Moon.
    6)
    The Moon light is so enchanting that CHERNOBOG tells his subjects to full the pitchers with it to consume. And when they do, they acquire everlasting beauty.
    7) CHORT and ZARKA proved to be fearless warriors in the lines of dark army.
    8)
    Since that day when two brothers made their first steps on the Earth, an internecine war has never ceased.
    9)
    But in the darkest times the stars whispered a prophesy that says one day a warrior will come…
    10)
    Belbog and Chernobog they shall be named. Falcon says to them, ‘Taste one of the apples of youth from the oak to become immortal, then descend to the Earth and create life there as you imagine it’.

  2. BobK's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Does it sound... how to say... archaic enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by Marina Gaidar View Post
    ...

    1) [I]Bear lands with no life have driven Belbog to despair.
    ...
    Sorry I don't have time for it all. Perhaps other readers can each take one or two sentences.... But I think you mean 'bare lands'. There is a (suitably archaic) convention whereby lands can be described in terms of the local fauna; but 'bear lands' in that sense, couldn't be described as 'with no life'.

    b

  3. Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Does it sound... how to say... archaic enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by BobK View Post
    Sorry I don't have time for it all. Perhaps other readers can each take one or two sentences.... But I think you mean 'bare lands'. There is a (suitably archaic) convention whereby lands can be described in terms of the local fauna; but 'bear lands' in that sense, couldn't be described as 'with no life'.

    b
    Oh! Sorry, I must have some problems with bears Yes, it is supposed to sound like bare lands.

  4. charliedeut's Avatar
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    #4

    Re: Does it sound... how to say... archaic enough?

    Quote Originally Posted by Marina Gaidar View Post
    1) Bear lands with no life have driven Belbog to despair. How about "barren lands, devoid of life, have..."
    2) Two big tears run down his cheeks. As they fall to the ground, they bring to birth beget a fearless warrior named PERUN and a fair woman, KOLEDA.
    3) As for Koleda, the goddess of the sky, she becomes Belbog’s wife weds Belbog and gives birth to conceives a boy named SONGOD. The boy ascends high to the air shining so brightly that the all darkness dies under the beams of light. This is how the Sun comes is called into being and sanctions life to start flourishing on the Earth.
    4) …but far away, in the deepest of cloughs, Chernobog heals his wounds dreaming only solely about revenge. He summons an army of ugly creatures and tells commands them to cast a round plate from silver to be taken to the sky.
    5)
    This is how the world saw the birth nativity of the Moon.
    6)
    The Moon light is so enchanting that CHERNOBOG tells his subjects to fill the pitchers with it to consume. And when they do, they acquire everlasting beauty.
    7) CHORT and ZARKA proved to be fearless warriors in the lines of the dark army.
    8)
    Since that day when two brothers made their first steps paces/strides on the Earth, an internecine war started that has never ceased.
    9)
    But in the darkest times, the stars whispered a prophesy that says one day a warrior will shall come…
    10)
    Belbog and Chernobog they shall be named. Falcon says to them, ‘Taste one of the apples of youth from the oak to become immortal, then descend to the Earth and create life there as you imagine it’.
    Hi,

    That's all from my end.

    charliedeut
    Please be aware that I'm neither a native English speaker nor a teacher.

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