[Essay] HI, would you please help me with a little report?

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weast

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Hi, this is the first time for me.
I am preparing for the IELTS test and I am really worried about my writing. I am so afraid that my English may seem like "chinglish", therefore I really hope that you can give me some advice. THANK YOU A LOT FOR YOUR PRECIOUS TIME.

HERE IS the main paragraph in the report I wrote according to a given graph.(The graph illustrates the number of people in a station in London throughout one day.)

As we can learn from the line graph, the number of people at a London Station fluctuates grealty over the period. More precisely, the number stands at only 100 at 6 in the morning. Then, it climbs dramatically in the next 2 hours and finally culminating at 400 at 8am. After that there is a downward trend and the number goes down straightly to 180 two hours later. The coming 4 hours sees a slight growth in number and arrives at 300 at 2pm. However, the figures declines again greatly, and there is fewest people in this station at 4pm, only 99. The next 2 hours witnesses a rapid growth with the number soaring to nearly the same as that at 8am, at 6pm. From the point onwards, the number drops to a low point of 189 at 8pm. Then the number increases to 180 by 9pm before decreasing again to only 110 by the end of 10pm.

I am sure about wether I use the words and phrases correctly or not, would you please offer me some advice?
Thank you!
 

CarloSsS

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As we can learn from the line graph, the number of people at a London Station fluctuates [STRIKE]grealty[/STRIKE] greatly over the period. More precisely, the number stands at only 100 at 6 in the morning. Then, it climbs dramatically in the next 2 hours and is finally culminating at 400 at 8 am. After that there is a downward trend and the number goes down straight[STRIKE]ly[/STRIKE] to 180 two hours later. The [STRIKE]coming[/STRIKE] following 4 hours see[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] a slight growth in the number [STRIKE]and arrives at [/STRIKE] as it peaks at 300 at 2 pm. However, the figures decline[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE] again [STRIKE]greatly[/STRIKE]steeply, and there [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] are the fewest people [STRIKE]in[/STRIKE] at this station at 4 pm, only 99. The next 2 hours [STRIKE]witnesses[/STRIKE] witness a rapid growth with the number soaring to nearly the same as that at 8 am and at 6 pm. From [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] that point onwards, the number drops to a low point of 189 at 8 pm. Then the number increases to 180 by 9 pm before decreasing again to only 110 by the end of 10 pm. (I'm not sure that you can say "by the end of XY pm/am").

There needs to be a space between a number and "pm" or "am". Even though it's not stylistically bad at all, it could be improved by omitting or replacing often repeated words and phrases.
 

weast

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Thank you so much!You've helped me a lot!
But I don't understand why it should be "witness" instead of "witnesses" in the second to last sentence?
 

CarloSsS

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Thank you so much!You've helped me a lot!
But I don't understand why it should be "witness" instead of "witnesses" in the second to last sentence?

It needs to be "witness" because it follows the phrase "he next 2 hours", which is plural. If there was "the next hour" instead, you would have to use "witnesses".
 
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