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  1. #1
    phammaiphuong is offline Newbie
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    Default please help me check my essay

    Hi guys,
    I am newbie and I am learning the Toefl foundation writing skill. Here are my 2 body paragraphs of the topic "What are some disadvantages of advertisement? Explain and give some examples". I really need somebody to check the idea development for me as well as grammar, word choices,...etc. I really appreciate your help :D thank you so much

    "Firstly, advertisements encourage people to desire and buy goods, which, in fact, are not within their means. Particularly, advertisements give the consumers many attractive illustrations of the products with plenty of slogans that exaggerate the real quality of these goods. In addition, despite the fact that all companies must have some annotations such as “images are only for illustration” on their advertisements, they always try to make these sentences in small font size. It is because advertising is a mean of marketing, all companies try to make deceptive advertisements in order to increase the sale. As a result, with the combination of these advertising effects, consumers may be more interested in the products and then could not resist the temptation to buy them. A research shows that with appealing advertisements, consumers are more willing to buy the goods without thinking twice. Take my sister’s case for example. She once bought shoes on the Internet since they are presented in an attractive advertisement with many smart samples of them. The shoes on the Internet are advertised to be made of genuine leather and they are light pink. However, after receiving the shoes, she found that they are made of imitation leather and their dark pink color made them so ugly.
    Secondly, advertisements can annoy people by disrupting the entertaining time. In fact, nowadays advertisements are popular, so much so many people find annoyed when they see advertisements on television, on newspaper, on the street and flyers in their house or adhering to walls of public space. In other words, many people are fed up of long-time advertisements disrupting their television programs, some feel annoyed when they catch many advertisements on the magazine or newspaper. Additionally, they find bored with flyers in their house or rampant flyers on the street. For example, I find so irritated that I always tend to turn off the television or turn to other channels when I see some advertisements interrupting my movie. These advertisements always make me angry when there is going to be some special parts of the movie. Consequently, I have to wait for a long time to see what is going to happen next and sometimes it also makes me forget the last scenes. Firstly, advertisements encourage people to desire and buy goods, which, in fact, are not within their means. Particularly, advertisements give the consumers many attractive illustrations of the products with plenty of slogans that exaggerate the real quality of these goods. In addition, despite the fact that all companies must have some annotations such as “images are only for illustration” on their advertisements, they always try to make these sentences in small font size. It is because advertising is a mean of marketing, all companies try to make deceptive advertisements in order to increase the sale. As a result, with the combination of these advertising effects, consumers may be more interested in the products and then could not resist the temptation to buy them. A research shows that with appealing advertisements, consumers are more willing to buy the goods without thinking twice. Take my sister’s case for example. She once bought shoes on the Internet since they are presented in an attractive advertisement with many smart samples of them. The shoes on the Internet are advertised to be made of genuine leather and they are light pink. However, after receiving the shoes, she found that they are made of imitation leather and their dark pink color made them so ugly."

  2. #2
    bgonso is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: please help me check my essay

    Hi phammaiphuong,

    I can help you with this. I should have it done within a couple hours.

  3. #3
    bgonso is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: please help me check my essay

    Hi phammaiphuong,

    Here is the corrected version.

    What are some disadvantages of advertisement?


    Firstly, advertisements encourage people to desire and buy goods which do not accurately reflect their description. Particularly, advertisements give the consumers many attractive illustrations of products with plenty of slogans that exaggerate their real quality. In addition, despite the fact that all companies must have a disclaimer such as “images are only for illustration” on their advertisements, they always put this in small print. Companies advertise in order to increase sales, which provide money to the people in the company. As a result, a company may over exaggerate a product's capabilities in its advertisements. Consumers may find these types of false advertisements so appealing that they may not be able to resist buying the product.. Research shows that with appealing advertisements, consumers are more willing to buy the goods without thinking twice. Take my sister’s case for example. She once bought shoes on the Internet because of the attractive advertisement with many smart samples of them. The shoes on the Internet were advertised to be made of genuine leather and that were light pink. However, after receiving the shoes, she found that they were made of imitation leather and had an ugly dark pink color.

    Secondly, advertisements can annoy people by disrupting their entertainment time. In fact, nowadays advertisements are so common, that many people find it annoying when they see advertisements on television, in the newspaper, on the street and as flyers glued to their house or adhered to walls of a public space. For example, I find it so irritating that I always tend to turn off the television or turn to other channels when I see some advertisements interrupting my movie. It always makes me angry when a commercial is placed right at a special part of a movie. Consequently, I have to wait for a long time to see what is going to happen next. Sometimes, it even makes me forget what the last scene was about.



    Overall, I would recommend that you focus on keeping a single idea for each paragraph and avoid words and phrases that could be interpreted as emotional ("..they always...") or biased (..."companies are deceptive...")

    I attached the formatted document as well. I provided some tips and suggestions if you are interested in viewing the online version. You can click on all of the colored areas to see my comments and explanations.

    However, its not necessary if you are needing only the resulting corrected document.

    Good luck in your learning, Brook
    Attached Files Attached Files

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