hi, i read your essay and i saw some mistakes and unnecessary words in your essay. i do not say i am advanced in writing essays but i thougt i could give you some help.1 "accomplishing graduation "- here, accomplishing is unnecessary, i think.graduation is already a completed action.2)"...but it is not the most necessary"- here, you should have written something after the word "necessary", for example, "necessary thing" as the word necessary is in a superlative form and needs a noun. also, you may vary your supporting ideas and examples. i hope, i would be helpful. bye!