Please revise my TOEFl essay.I would appreciate that.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
The most important aspect of a job is the money a person earns.
Some people believe that the most significant perspective of a job is the money because everything depends on it but I oppose this idea. From my point of view, the job provides us many valuable things in conjunction with the money.
For a start, whether we realize or not it becomes more and more difficult to live nowadays and in order to deal with it people are prone to have some friends. According to me, working at a job is one of the best ways to make fellows because you meet a lot of people while working and it prevents falling into desperation. For instance, a friend of my father had withdrawn behavior in the past so he often fell into desperation. The problem was that he was unemployed and he was bored. But he has changed to a considerable degree since my father offered him to work at his office. He started to interact with people and spend time together. In other words, he became a sociable man which is very important in order to have a bright future.
Secondly, job promotes people to learn some essential experiences for being successful. You can easily observe that today’s mainstream is very competitive and in order to withstand it people are required to have some skills which can be obtained while working. In addition, job helps people to develop communication skills. For example, my friend was very shy formerly. I should confess that he had a difficulty in communicating. After accomplishing graduation he admitted to the business. He started to meet different people from foreign countries. Believe it or not he has remarkably improved and he speaks much better than me.
To sum up, it is true that one of the facets of a job is the money but it is not the most necessary. Job helps people to make companions and evolve some skills . To put it another way, it fosters people to affiliate to the society.
Time: 30 Words:328
hi, i read your essay and i saw some mistakes and unnecessary words in your essay. i do not say i am advanced in writing essays but i thougt i could give you some help.1 "accomplishing graduation "- here, accomplishing is unnecessary, i think.graduation is already a completed action.2)"...but it is not the most necessary"- here, you should have written something after the word "necessary", for example, "necessary thing" as the word necessary is in a superlative form and needs a noun. also, you may vary your supporting ideas and examples. i hope, i would be helpful. bye!