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  1. #1
    eric2004 Guest

    Default Teacher, please see them and judge my level. thanks.

    First essay (9 band) full of mark.


    The issue of whether we should force parents to immunise their children against common diseases is, in my opinion, a social rather than a medical question. Since we are free to choose what we expose our bodies to in the way of food, drink, or religion for that matter, why should the question of medical “treatment” be any different?
    Medical researchers and governments are primarily interested in overall statistics and trends and in money-saving schemes which fail to take into consideration the individual’s concerns and rights. While immunization against diseases such as tetanus and whooping cough may be effective, little information is released about the harmful effects of vaccinations which can sometimes result in stunted growth or even death.
    The body is designed to resist disease and to create its own natural immunity through contact with that disease. So when children are given artificial immunity, we create a vulnerable society which is entirely dependent on immunization. In the event that mass immunization programmes were to cease, the society as a whole would be more at risk than ever before.
    In addition there is the issue of the rights of the individuals. As members of a society, why should we be obliged to subject our children to this potentially harmful practice? Some people may also be against immunization on religious grounds and their needs must also be considered.
    For these reasons I feel strongly that immunization programmes should not be obligatory and that the individual should have the right to choose whether or not to participate.



    this is being among 6-7 band (the author thought it should be maked 7)


    As a prophet said, there are two kinds of jobs that will never disappear, no matter how the world will change in the future. One is just teacher. That’s right! Although in today’s society, the computer is more and more popular, the role that teacher plays in education remains irreplaceable.


    Undoubtedly, computer is widely used in education providing useful educational programs, for instance, PLATO, CAI courseware. But all of these are only assistance for teachers whose skills of teaching is actually an indispensable part in classroom. Besides teaching knowledge, teachers have keen insight into children’s emotions. They can adjust his teaching method if any dissatisfactory feedback found, such as cite easier examples or change another way of elaboration. All that mentioned above is out of the computer capability.

    Moreover, there is a drawback exists in computer. While more users are involved, the net speed would be dramatically slower. As a result, young children may become impatient when it takes long to get assess response. The affect of being ignored may decline the children’s attention and influence the teaching effect expected in advance.

    Furthermore, computer isn’t qualified to make children more active in class but cause alienation. Comparatively, teacher can make children more active and cooperative by assigning teamwork to be fulfilled together. In this process, children will not only get knowledge but also learn how to communicate and cooperate with other pupils, which is much more vital for them than knowledge itself.

    All in all, whilst computer is widely put into application and plays an important role in teaching, teachers, as the prophet mentioned, still play an irreplaceable role in classroom. And I’m sure that it will be eternal so.


    (If i can get 6 band, it will be nice)
    Btw, please let me know it is really worth to be 9 band about the first essay? While I just try my best to imitate its style, i don't know whether I can get 6 band. even such essays i have to modify a little again after completing for the first time.

  2. #2
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    I have read the first one, and it is quite good.

    :D

  3. #3
    RonBee's Avatar
    RonBee is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: Teacher, please see them and judge my level. thanks.

    The second one is not so good. There are many problems with word selection, especially the use of the definite article (the). As an example, let me look at the first paragraph.

    As a prophet said, there are two kinds of jobs that will never disappear, no matter how the world will change in the future. One is just teacher. That’s right! Although in today’s society, the computer is more and more popular, the role that teacher plays in education remains irreplaceable.
    • As a prophet said, there are two kinds of jobs that will never disappear, no matter how much the world will change in the future.One is teacher. That’s right! Although in today’s society, the computer is becoming more and more popular, the role that the teacher plays in education remains irreplaceable.


    To mean teachers in general you can say the teacher or you can say teachers.

    You mentioned that you got nine band for the first one and six band for the second one. Does that refer to your grade?

    :)

  4. #4
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    I don't know the descriptors for the banding, but I agree with the general thrust. To make a quick and noticeable improvemnt, look at the use of articles in the first, which make it read much more naturally.

  5. #5
    eric2004 Guest

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    Hello.

    Sigh, both of them were just wrote by others.
    First may be from a native speaker. I just wanna you can give me a judgement. whether can I get a 6-band by my present level?


    Sir RonBee and Sir tdol

    I have read the first one many times but I can't understand why it's so wonderful? Pls tell me know. And please tell me as many tips in writing as possible. I just want to be sure I can at least get 6 band. 55555.I'm not greedy.

  6. #6
    eric2004 Guest

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    1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.

    2. Never us a long word where a short one will do.

    3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.

    4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.

    5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.

    6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous




    Is it golden rules in writting english? that's a difficute essay for me to read. Sigh. too complicated. Maybe i just need to do like you did in junior school. right?

  7. #7
    RonBee's Avatar
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    Default Corrections, comments, and suggestions

    Corrections, comments, and suggestions.

    Quote Originally Posted by eric2004
    Hello.

    Sigh, both of them were just wrote by others.
    First may be from a native speaker. I just wanna you can give me a judgement. whether can I get a 6-band by my present level?
    • Sigh, both of them were written by others. The first one may be by a native speaker. I just want you to tell me if you think I can get a 6 band at my present level.


    Yes, I think so.

    Quote Originally Posted by eric2004
    Sir RonBee and Sir tdol

    I have read the first one many times but I can't understand why it's so wonderful? Pls tell me know. And please tell me as many tips in writing as possible. I just want to be sure I can at least get 6 band. 55555.I'm not greedy.
    The short answer is that the first one is more readable. It's more fluent. It seems natural, not forced. To be more specific than that I would have to look at both of them again.

    :)

  8. #8
    eric2004 Guest

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    Thanks, Sir.
    That Chinese-American girl suggest that I should try to use simple sentences. As you said, I always try to write complicated structures.
    But the problem which confuses me is what extent it is for using short sentences. And sometimes I really have a complicated viewpoint. I don't know how to just use simple sentences to splid my ideas.
    Btw, I'm not sure how to use even simple words in my essay at times.
    My english is more like a "Program". Just organize them together.

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