Results 1 to 5 of 5

Hybrid View

    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Ukrainian
      • Home Country:
      • Ukraine
      • Current Location:
      • Ukraine

    • Join Date: Mar 2012
    • Posts: 11
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #1

    Wink Please, are my sentences OK? Thank YOU!

    "We'd love, absolutely adore offering you our free 60-second voiceover gift and branding you as a recognized expert in your industry!
    We guarantee quality - see for yourself!
    If you like our gift, then we're hoping we'll have the opportunity to care about you and record a lot of voiceovers!
    This is mywebsite.com, & we have some of the best rates in the industry - only $17/m for voiceovers longer than 15 minutes, and $27/m for voiceovers up to 15 minutes"





    Thank You For Your Time!
    Last edited by wishsuccess4u; 24-Aug-2012 at 17:55.

  1. Barb_D's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • American English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Mar 2007
    • Posts: 17,583
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #2

    Re: Please, check my sentences! THANK YOU!

    Unless you are also branding experts, your first sentence greatly oversells your services. A person can give you a bad script which you can record beautifully and it won't make them market leaders.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Ukrainian
      • Home Country:
      • Ukraine
      • Current Location:
      • Ukraine

    • Join Date: Mar 2012
    • Posts: 11
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #3

    Re: Please, check my sentences! THANK YOU!

    thank You, Barb_D!
    it was helpful

    I wish You a Great Success!

  2. Academic Writing's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Other
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States

    • Join Date: Aug 2012
    • Posts: 110
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #4

    Re: Please, are my sentences OK? Thank YOU!

    I agree with Barb. Also, I see that you have prices that are common to Internet marketing in general and the Warrior Forum in particular. A lot of people there use ridiculously overhyped language (just my opinion, but a quick survey of the WSOs at any given moment pretty much shows this). Such language can be a real turnoff for buyers, not just in the field of IM but also in general. Keep your audience in mind as well. If they've been surfing through WSOs and related products and services on other sites for a while, they've already probably seen and purchased products and/or services that did not live up to the sales pitch.

    Confidence is great of course; I'd just keep it in check (I have always found that honesty sells, and it also helps build your business). Below is one idea for a pitch. These are just suggestions and certainly please modify them to meet your needs; there are a ton of possibilities here.

    "We offer quality voice-over services to help brand you as an expert in your field.

    So that you can judge the quality of our work for yourself, please accept a free 60-second voice over, customized exactly as you need it.

    We are confident that you will love our work, and we'd be happy to work with you as your business grows. At mywebsite, we offer some of the best rates in the industry--just $17/minute for voice overs over 15 minutes and $27/minute for voice overs up to 15 minutes."

    A final note is that you might want to intentionally spell "voiceover" in the way that most people search for it (voice over, voice-over, or voiceover) if you think that will help your SEO. I get 22,000 global exact matches for the first two options (22k each) in Google's keyword tool and 9,900 global exacth matches for "voiceover" as a closed term. Not sure about the long-tail keywords that you might be targeting if any.

    Hope that helps and good luck with your service!
    Last edited by Academic Writing; 28-Aug-2012 at 04:09.
    SeriousScholar.com

    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • Ukrainian
      • Home Country:
      • Ukraine
      • Current Location:
      • Ukraine

    • Join Date: Mar 2012
    • Posts: 11
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #5

    Re: Please, are my sentences OK? Thank YOU!

    thank You, Academic Writing!
    it was really helpful!

    I wish You a Great Success

Similar Threads

  1. Please check my sentences
    By ripley in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 03-Apr-2012, 13:44
  2. Check the sentences
    By billamama in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 10-Sep-2010, 16:01
  3. Please check the sentences
    By jomo27 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 12-Nov-2008, 13:43
  4. Please check these few sentences.
    By redgiant in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 03-Nov-2008, 19:33
  5. help check some sentences
    By enydia in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 11-Jun-2008, 19:35

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •