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  1. #1
    InvisibleSocks is offline Newbie
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    Chapter One of My Story

    Can anyone please correct and give me some comments on this? Thanks.
    I just started grade seven by the way...

    Poems drifted in the air like background music as I scribbled daintily in my sticker covered notebook. My imaginary big bunny Rab'n, smiled at me from the notebook. Its teeth bared at me in a friendly way. I smiled back, eying the strange looks from her classmates from the corner of my eye. I quickly scribbled a black studded collar for Rab'n, for I know that Rab'n is a bunny with high fashion standards.

    This is my world, "Bonnie La Bonnie", where everything is alive. Everyone talks. Wouldn't that make my world a really noisy place? It is good noise.
    The trees: Good morning.
    The grass: The breeze is feeling breezy in my face today!
    The mushrooms: Isn't it the perfect weather for a cup of tea?
    It really is good noise, everything sounded like music to one's ears. Stand on a rock, and you can see the fabulous view. The sunset pink mountains, the minty green grass, and the spiked trees. And you would wonder, where is everyone?


    The people here lived in trees. The trees grow so tall it reaches the sky, making the sky look cracked. Vines swirl around the trees, and if you follow the vines, you'll find me, Bonnie, having a fruit party with Caraline, Sienna, and Andrea. We meet on Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Sometimes when I am busy, they'll have the fruit party at Andrea's house.

    Andrea Elizabeth Trent is a cheerful girl, who is usually hyper. She has hair a little pinker than the mountains, and eyes a little bluer than the wild mushrooms. Andrea is the little clown in all the girls I know. She tends to dress in bright colors, and always has a book in her hand. But she is allergic to papayas and pineapples, so sometimes when I forget about that, we'll have to ask Caraline to help her.

    Caraline Marie Ladensa is the best healer in Bonnie La Bonnie, because she is calm. For example, she doesn't scream when she sees a spider (like Anrea). Instead, she throw it gently out the window, and prays that it lands and a soft patch of grass. Caraline has wispy blonde hair, a red eye, and a teal eye. She too lives in a tree, for she has to watch the clouds emerge from the blue, and fade away at night, every single day. Like Bonnie, she sketches in her notebook, but mostly her notebook is filled with herb pictures, unicorns, and different shapes and colors of clouds.


    Just like Caraline, Sienna Taylor Klenert's favorite color is blue. The fishes in the water simply love Sienna. Swimming is always on her daily to-do list. The reason why the fishes love Sienna is because, I think they mistake Sienna as a fish. While she dives in the water, Sienna's jet black hair flies behind her like a cape made from silk. I used to think that she is a mermaid. But she's not.

    These girls are my best friends in Bonnie La Bonnie. They are also probably going to be my only friends, because in the other world, people think I'm too weird to "hang out" with. That's the term people use in the other world. I don't know why. Anyways-

    "Bonnie? Bonnie." I snapped back into the other world, my pen flying out of my hand and hitting the ground with a thud. Someone laughed loudly. "Y-yes?" I asked, nervous that I hadn't heard a word the teacher said. Our English teacher (I forgot her name, so I just call her Miz, in my mind of course), looked at me, looking very concerned. "Are you okay? Are you able to come on up to recite your poem?" Miz asked, picking up my pen, which had flown next to her black heels. "Um, okay," I said, trying to remember the assignment. "About Me", said the blackboard. I quickly fumbled for my paper in my backpack, and stumbled to the front of the classroom.

  2. #2
    Avinashh is offline Newbie
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    Re: Chapter One of My Story

    Your post is lengthy.That is the reason no one replied till now.
    Divide it into parts and post again.

  3. #3
    InvisibleSocks is offline Newbie
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    Re: Chapter One of My Story

    But it's divided in parts when I see it

  4. #4
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    Amigos4 is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Chapter One of My Story

    Hi, Invisible Socks! I hope the start of your new school year is going well!

    As a native speaker, you might want to cut and paste Chapter One of your story into a Word document and run it through the Spell Checker. Several suggestions will be provided.

    Your post is, indeed, too lengthy for us to analyze in this forum. Commenting on your choice of words and your unique writing style are tasks that might be better suited for your classroom teacher.

    Good luck!

  5. #5
    InvisibleSocks is offline Newbie
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    Re: Chapter One of My Story

    Thanks :) I'm not native, I'm asian.

  6. #6
    InvisibleSocks is offline Newbie
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    Re: Chapter One of My Story

    Oh, and can you tell me maybe a few words I need to check?
    I ran it through spell check and I can't find any wrong words.

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