Re: My story, please give me some suggestions!
Pressing next took me "Chapter One - Bonnie". I assume that is the story you refer to in your title.
Firstly, I suggest moving this question to the Editing and Writing Topics section. This particular part of the forum is for asking rather more specific individual questions about the English language.
Secondly, it will be quite difficult for someone to comment if they have to keep switching backwards and forwards between that website with your story and this forum in order to write their comments. It will probably be better if you post a couple of paragraphs at a time of your story as an actual thread and ask for comments on it that way.
Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.