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Thread: check please

  1. #1
    azkad's Avatar
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    Arrow check please

    Is this sentence correct?
    Any comments and improvements are highly appreciated.

    Having considered it as act of disrespect to his master, Jane who was about to reject the idea of taking over the burden of responsibility, undertook the work unwillingly. Thank you.

  2. #2
    tzfujimino's Avatar
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    Default Re: check please

    Quote Originally Posted by azkad View Post
    Is this sentence correct?
    Any comments and improvements are highly appreciated.

    Having considered it as act of disrespect to his master, Jane who was about to reject the idea of taking over the burden of responsibility, undertook the work unwillingly. Thank you.
    Hello, azkad.

    "Having considered it as an act of disrespect to his master, Jane, who was about to reject the idea of taking over the burden of responsibility, undertook the work unwillingly. "

    I'd put 'an' before 'act' and add a comma after 'Jane', which looks better to me.
    Please wait for other (native speakers') opinions.

  3. #3
    abaka is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: check please

    Avoid such complexity.

    Jane considered the work disrespectful to his* master, and almost rejected the responsibility, but reluctantly decided to do it.

    *"his"? who is "he"? The context had better make that clear! Or do you mean "hers"?

    In fact it may be better to break it up into several sentences (I would):

    Jane considered the work disrespectful to her (his) master. She almost rejected the responsibility, but reluctantly decided to do it.
    Last edited by abaka; 07-Sep-2012 at 17:54.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: check please

    Quote Originally Posted by azkad View Post
    Is this sentence correct?
    Any comments and improvements are highly appreciated.

    Having considered it as an act of disrespect to his master, Jane, who was about to reject the idea of taking over the burden of responsibility, undertook the work unwillingly. Thank you.
    If you must leave the construction as it is for some reason, then in my opinion it should start "Having considered it an act of disrespect ..." and it needs a comma after "Jane" (both marked in red above).

    I would prefer "taking on the burden of responsibility" but I have left it as "taking over" for now because it is possible that someone else currently has that burden of responsibility and that Jane is going to assume that responsibility, thereby "taking it over". Only the context would make that clear.

    It is just possible that "Jane" is the surname of the person in question and if that person is male, then "his master" is correct. However, if Jane is the first name, then it should read "her master".
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 07-Sep-2012 at 17:18.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  5. #5
    tzfujimino's Avatar
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    Default Re: check please

    Quote Originally Posted by abaka View Post
    Avoid such complexity.

    Jane considered the work disrespectful to his* master, and almost rejected the extra responsibility, but in the end reluctantly agreed to do it.

    *"his"? who is "he"? The context had better make that clear! Or do you mean "hers"?

    In fact it may be better to break it up into several sentences (I would):

    Jane considered the work disrespectful to her (his) master. She almost rejected extra responsibility, but in the end reluctantly agreed to do it.
    Hello, abaka.
    I agree with you. It should have been 'her', which I think is azkad's intended meaning.

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