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  1. #1
    nacira is offline Newbie
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    Default please coorect me this, it s for my scholarship application

    How did you become interested in Computer Science?
    Initially, my dream was to be a doctor. But since my cousin, began his work as computer seller, I saw this magic machine for the first time; I was just fascinated and decided to learn all about it. I still remember asking him daily to teach me about computer and he always said that I am a child so I canít understand it. I took this as a challenge and start watching him doing different tasks with his computer and when I come home I repeat these tasks on my computer and when I started my university courses in computer sciences, I just know that this is for me.


    Why do you want to attend this conference?
    I want to attend this conferencefor many reasons
    The first one is to meet influential women in technology get inspiration and advises. Also expand my network during activities with technical women from all disciplines and career stages. The second reason is to find out about what is new in the field, and learn about current research in area. The third reason is to find a job or internship in companies, universities, or government laboratories.


    Describe your most meaningful achievement and how it relates to your field and your future goals.

    In my field of study, which is computer sciences, I feel that there is so much that I can do to solve human problems using technology. I believe that my most meaningful achievements for attending my goal are my excellence in my university studies.
    I began my studies at university at the age of 18 years as a student in applied university studies where I succeeded after three years of studies to design and construct an information system for monitoring production in a factory. I had very good grades so university allow me to singe up directly for computer engineering studies and after 3 years I succeeded again to accomplish a research work which is Data Integration For Semantic Email. This paper was accepted in the second national conference on computing for graduate and postgraduate students. I was top ranked in my promotion so I ensured 1 of 6 places available for Magister studies where I got several classes and did several activities like the integration of Latent Semantic Indexing retrieval model in TEERIER IR platform. I still in magister until now and I will start my magister thesis the next month.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: please coorect me this, it s for my scholarship application

    Quote Originally Posted by nacira View Post
    How did you become interested in Computer Science?
    Initially, my dream was to be a doctor. But since my cousin, began his work as computer seller, I saw this magic machine for the first time; I was just fascinated and decided to learn all about it. I still remember asking him daily to teach me about computer and he always said that I am a child so I can’t understand it. I took this as a challenge and start watching him doing different tasks with his computer and when I come home I repeat these tasks on my computer and when I started my university courses in computer sciences, I just know that this is for me.

    For a start, you have a tense agreement problem. Edit your first paragraph to make sure that the tenses make sense. For example "I took this as a challenge and start watching him doing tasks ..."
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  3. #3
    Academic Writing's Avatar
    Academic Writing is offline Member
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    Default Re: please coorect me this, it s for my scholarship application

    Maybe a few of us on the forum can chip in here given that this is a longer text broken up into different questions. Here are some suggestions for the first response.

    Quote Originally Posted by nacira View Post
    How did you become interested in Computer Science?

    Initially, my dream was to be a doctor. B, but since then my cousin, began his work as computer seller, and I saw this these magic machines for the first time;. [It would sound more natural to me to change "seller" to "salesman." I would change "began his work as a computer seller" to "began to sell computers" because the plural "computers" establishes an antecedent for "these magic machines" later in the sentence and improves smoothness of expression.] I was just fascinated by computers and decided to learn all about itthem. I still remember asking him daily every day to teach me about computers, and he would always said say that I am was just a child so I can’t and wouldn't understand it. [You could change "...would always say that I was just a child and wouldn't understand" to "...would always say that I was too young to understand" if you want something slightly more concise. You could also probably replace "about computers" with "about them" earlier in the sentence given the clear references in the past couple of sentences.] I took this as a challenge. and I started watching him doing different tasks with his computer, and when I come got home, I would repeat these those tasks on my computer. [I would consider changing "doing" to "as he did."] Later, and when I started my university courses in computer sciences, I just know knew that this is was for me.
    Also, I have a couple of general comments. First, there are many different ways to write these sentences, so of course these are just suggestions. For instance, your use of "daily" was correct, but "every day" just sounded a bit more natural to me in this context.

    One issue that I noticed was that some of the sentences were joined or split in places that seemed a bit off to me. For instance, although it was certainly logical to use a comma after "challenge," the problem was that the sentence had too many ideas overall (in my opinion).

    Also, in the first sentence, the idea with the use of "but" is that you changed your mind (or began to change your mind) about your future profession. The first two sentences were very close to giving this idea, but I think changing "since" to "then" helps complete the idea that a change had begun to take place. There are several other options of course.

    EDIT: I was writing at the same time as emsr2d2, but I agree, the tenses were a problematic area in the first paragraph. In the second paragraph, it appears that a couple of the sentences are incomplete. In the third paragraph, at least one of the sentences is a run on (too many ideas and words).
    Last edited by Academic Writing; 08-Sep-2012 at 23:24.
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