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  1. #11
    joetmh Guest

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    Go with the flow, huh?

    ahha.. i just wanna add more of these adverbs.. it will help me get more points in the exam... i guess...:)

    after u changed it.. the story really does flow better.. thanx...
    and.. will u think this story is a bit long-winded? is it interesting to kept you reading?

  2. #12
    joetmh Guest

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    opps... sorry for the above... i quoted the whole thing =\

  3. #13
    joetmh Guest

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    ok.. here's my another essay... a descriptive essay.. i decided to have it for a back up..
    title"Your penfriend has heard about night-markets in Malaysia. Tell him/her about the night-market in your area."


    In Malaysia, night-markets are referred to "pasar malam" in Malay language, which we Malaysians used to call it. Almost every area in this country have a night-market once a week, which the day it is held differs in each area. However, it's touch and go for the night-market to take place for it might be cool and refreshing for one moment and raining cats and dogs for the next. Well, Tuesday is the day when the night-market in my area is held.

    By 6 p.m. in the evening, hawkers will be there stting up their stalls, the street is still rather deserted by that time. When the night starts to fall, colourful light bulbs will be switched on, giving live to the whole street. Residents around the area began to gather along the street, looking for something to buy. Most of the time, the street will be crowded and everyone has to elbow and shove through each other.

    Among the crowd, we can always hear "RM12 for 2 T-shirts! Nice and cheap!" The stall which sells clothing always is the loudest of all, and probably the most popular stall of all, as there are always tons of teenagers gathering by the stall for their favourite Adidas, Nike, or even Puma T-shirts, of course, those are faked T-shirts.What hooked me the most is the "satay", Malaysia's tradisional food. I can even smell it from the end of the street. It was a short, thin stick, with a few small pieces of meat poking through it. After cooking it on top of the coal, dipped with it's specially made sauce. The mouth-watering food is ready to be eaten.

    Sometimes, instead of "satay", I'll choose "rojak", another Malaysia's delicacy. It's not any extraordinary than a few slices of pineapples, guava, mangoes, and other fruits, but when mixed with some home-made sauce, it tastes twice as much as the "satay". That's why I called the night-markets a "heaven on earth", it has a variety of food that we won't be fed up with, and many cheap miscellaneous that we can buy.

    Also, the night-market gathers many different types of people with different status. In there, we can see people just loafing around without buying anything, people that wanted to buy their daily goods, beggers around the corner of the street. Even the rich ones will be sitting in one the stalls eating! It is suitable to all classes of people and most important is, the friendly attitude among the hawkers that makes up the cosy atmosphere that overwhelmes the night-market.



    ok... this is where i'm stuck... i don't know how to end this thing!!! And please, i really sucks in descriptive, so if i got the plot all wrong please correct it for me... thanx a million!!!

  4. #14
    joetmh Guest

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    um. one more thing, if anyone have any idea about the essays i listed out in the 1st post... please post it here... my exam is next week.. and i need to prepare other of my subjects..:) i 'll be really glad... THANX!!!!

  5. #15
    RonBee's Avatar
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    It's a good story and not too long, but there are some problems with word selection and paragraphing (among other things.) The dialog is not bad. Pay attention to your word selection. One example is that a golden watch is one that is colored gold, but a gold watch has gold in it.

    :)

  6. #16
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    Default Re: here's my idea...

    What you need to do is read the story all the way through a couple of times to find whatever mistakes you can. I have have pointed out one or two of them, and my revisions should give you some clues as to where the rest of them are.

    Fifth paragraph:

    That night, I bravely told mum the moment she stepped into the house. She was so shocked to hear about this and instantly she tried to locate brother on his cell phone. It was engage. "He had never been that late to come home." I thought, wondering what happened to him. Just then, the phone rang, insistently, it was an police officer speaking, saying that brother was caught red-handed for trafficking stolen goods and suffered a gunshot on his chest, he was in critical situation. I was stunned, but somehow I manage to gain control of myself and thanked the police officer.
    • That night I decided to tell Mum the truth. The minute she walked in the door I told her everything. She was so shocked she was speechless at first. Then she tried to locate my brother on his cell phone. It was engaged. "He had never been that late to come home," I thought, wondering what had happened to him. Just then, the phone rang, insistently. It was a police officer. He said that my brother had been caught red-handed for trafficking in stolen goods and had suffered a gunshot wound to his chest. He was in critical condition.


    Capitalize Mom when it is a name. Please note where I divided one sentence into two or three. I tried not to change too much, especially dialog. For one thing, your dialog is pretty decent anyhow. (I don't like to mess with dialog too much anyway.) For another thing, I am not sure that your "mistakes" aren't due to regional differences. For example, in AE we would say something like, "He was never that late in coming home before." Please note changes in punctuation.

    You do not, of course, have to use all of my revisions.

    Sixth paragraph:

    An hour later, we were standing beside brother. Fortunately, doctor manage to save his life in time. He can escape from the death, but he can't escape from the law. He was sentenced 5 years in jail. Good or bad. Rewards or punishments. There is no escape. However, he had, after all, survived. He now had a future to look forward to."
    The phrase in time doesn't make sense there (in the second sentence). In time for what? Also, you need a "bridge" between the second and third sentences. Perhaps:

    • An hour later, we were standing beside my brother.Fortunately, doctor manage to save his life. However, although he escaped from death, he cannot escape from the law. He was sentenced to five years in jail. Good or bad. Rewards or punishments. There is no escape. However, he had, after all, survived. He now had a future to look forward to."


    You could add something like he nearly died or he came close to dying or something like that. Also, before you mention his sentence you might want to say something like he was arrested and tried for his crimes or something like that.

    What do you think?

    :)

  7. #17
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    I am going to make some suggestions about the first paragraph.

    In Malaysia, night-markets are referred to "pasar malam" in Malay language, which we Malaysians used to call it. Almost every area in this country have a night-market once a week, which the day it is held differs in each area. However, it's touch and go for the night-market to take place for it might be cool and refreshing for one moment and raining cats and dogs for the next. Well, Tuesday is the day when the night-market in my area is held.
    That first sentence would probably be better as two sentences. Also, you could say "the Malay language", but it would be simpler so say "Malay". Read the revised sentences below and see what you think.

    • In Malaysia, night-markets are called "pasar malam" in Malay, and that's what we Malaysians used to call it. Almost every area in this country has a night-market once a week, and the day when it is held differs from area to the next. However, it's touch and go for the night-market to take place, for it might be cool and refreshing for moment and raining cats and dogs the next. Well, Tuesday is the day when the night-market in my area is held.


    What do you think?

    :)

  8. #18
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    Second paragraph:

    By 6 p.m. in the evening, hawkers will be there stting up their stalls, the street is still rather deserted by that time. When the night starts to fall, colourful light bulbs will be switched on, giving live to the whole street. Residents around the area began to gather along the street, looking for something to buy. Most of the time, the street will be crowded and everyone has to elbow and shove through each other.
    You need to say 6PM or six in the evening but not both. Also, say are there, not will be there. It's a habitual action, not a future occurence. Say is still rather deserted at that time. For your second sentence, say at nightfall. Again, say are instead of will be. Say giving life, not giving live.

    All in all, not bad.

    :)

  9. #19
    joetmh Guest

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    i really owe u for this Sir ronbee... only u helped me...:)

    well, about the ending... how should i do it? u see.. i havent even end the essay... or have i?

  10. #20
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    The ending is, I think, not a bad one. I do think you need to make some changes. I'll try to tell you what I mean without making too many suggestions. :wink:

    Let's look at the next paragraph.

    Among the crowd, we can always hear "RM12 for 2 T-shirts! Nice and cheap!" The stall which sells clothing always is the loudest of all, and probably the most popular stall of all, as there are always tons of teenagers gathering by the stall for their favourite Adidas, Nike, or even Puma T-shirts, of course, those are faked T-shirts.
    That is good. The expression tons of teenagers is one a native speaker might readily use, and more important, would readily understand. The expression should be fake T-shirts, but even that is not quite right. (A fake T-shirt would be something that is not a T-shirt, just as fake gold is not really gold.) Perhaps you could say they are counterfeit or they are knockoffs or they are fakes. Or something else better than one of those suggestions.

    What hooked me the most is the "satay", Malaysia's tradisional food.
    You need to put that in the present tense, as you are not talking about a past event. Perhaps:

    • What I like best about it is the "satay", Malaysia's traditional food.


    There is nothing wrong with that except that there is almost surely more than one traditional Malaysian food. Perhaps:

    • What I like best about it is the "satay", a traditional Malaysian food, and a very popular one.


    What do you think? :)

    I can even smell it from the end of the street.
    That's okay, but I don't think it's quite what you're after. You want to give the reader a sense of how powerful the scent of the food is. Perhaps:

    • I can smell its enticing aroma from a block away.


    It was a short, thin stick, with a few small pieces of meat poking through it.
    I don't think you want to use stick, as that doesn't make it sound very appetizing. Perhaps:

    • It is short and thin with a few pieces of meat poking through it.


    I don't think that quite does it. What else is it made of besides meat? Perhaps: "It is a short, thin stick of ______, with a few pieces of meat poking through it."

    What do you think? :)

    After cooking it on top of the coal, dipped with it's specially made sauce. The mouth-watering food is ready to be eaten.
    That first sentence is not really a sentence. That would work better as one sentence. Try:

    • After cooking it on top of the coals, dipped in its specially made sauce, the mouth-watering food is ready to be eaten.


    I am definitely getting hungry. :wink:

    :D

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