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    • Join Date: Oct 2012
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    #1

    Write a story that shows: Honesty pays

    Please correct the following essay and suggest on ways i can improve my writing.I would really appreciate your help
    The title of my essay is ''Honesty Pays''

    ''Boom!''The car exploded into pieces.While I stand nearby the scene of incident,images of police,crooks and people that I have met flash through my mind.I am glad that I tell the truth at that time.The truth that has save my life from this miserable world.The images in my head begin to flash faster.So fast until the whole unfortunate incident begins to rewind itself like a movie repeatedly...

    ''John!Wait up!'' shouted I, while running towards him in the hallway of our school.It was recess time.Everyone was rushing to the school canteen to buy food,as if they had not eaten for days.Some are chatting happily about their weekends and others whined and moaned about their terrible results in the school examination.

    I lined up like any other students to buy a plate of delicious fried rice.It seemed like an eternity before i arrived at the counter.After i had paid to the canteen operator for my breakfast,i sat beside John,who was my best friend, in the overcrowded canteen.

    ''Hey!Can you come over to my house tonight?''asked John.

    ''What for?'' I replied.

    ''I have bought the latest Capcom game and i thought it would be fun to have you to come over to play with me.''

    ''Well, I have nothing better to do tonight.I will come to your house at 8.00 p.m.'' i agreed,without knowing it was a trap set by the person i trusted most.After the bell rang,we both went back to our class.

    It was a dark and cold night.As I walked on the wet pebble road to John's house, I had a strange feeling. Some voice inside me were telling and warning me not to go to his house.However, I brushed it off and continued my journey.Little did I know, I was digging my own grave. Every step closer to John's house was a step closer to fulfill his ill intention.As I reached the doorstep of the house, I knocked on the brown door as hard as I could. A tall man with a sinister smile opened the door.He was the ugliest man I had ever seen. His eyes were so small that I doubt he could see clearly while his bizarre hairstyle could make anyone laugh without effort.Worms could be seen crawling out from his nostrils and infected wounds.Suddenly, he grabbed me into the house forcefully. He was too strong for me to release myself. Upon reaching the dim living room with only some moonlight creeping in through the cracks of the window, John was sitting with an older woman. The woman was short,fat and hideous. My leg and hand were tied by the monstrous man.

    ''I heard from my son that your father is a billionaire.'' said the woman in a soft voice.

    ''What is your father's phone number?''

    ''Better be honest or we will kill you!'' shouted the man in a fierce tone.

    As I panicked, I told them my father's phone number without giving it a second thought.After all,honesty is the best policy.

    To be continue in part 2...

  1. februar's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Write a story that shows: Honesty pays

    [QUOTE=Yee Jia Cin;930719]

    Write a story that shows: Honesty pays

    Please correct the following essay and suggest on ways I can improve my writing. I would really appreciate your help
    The title of my essay is ''Honesty Pays''

    ''Boom!'' (Leave a space after punctuation marks - changed here) The car exploded into pieces. While I was standing nearby the scene of incident, images from the past, of police, crooks and people that I have had met, flashed through my mind. I am glad that I tell told the truth at that time. The truth that has save had saved my life from this miserable world situation. The images in my head begin began to flash faster. So fast until the whole unfortunate incident begins began to rewind itself like a movie repeatedly...

    ''John! Wait up!'' shouted I, while running towards him in the hallway of our school. It was recess time. Everyone was rushing to the school canteen to buy food, as if they had not eaten for days. Some are were chatting happily about their weekends and others whined and moaned about their terrible results in the school examination.

    I lined up like any other students to buy a plate of delicious fried rice. It seemed like an eternity before I arrived at the counter. After I had paid to the canteen operator for my breakfast, I sat beside John, who was my best friend, in the overcrowded canteen.

    ''Hey! Can you come over to my house tonight?'' asked John.

    ''What for Why?'' I replied.

    ''I bought the latest Capcom game and thought it would be fun to have you to come over to play with me.''

    ''Well, I have nothing better to do tonight. I will come to your house at 8.00 p.m.'' I agreed, without knowing it was a trap set by the person I trusted most. After the bell rang, we both went back to our class.

    It was a dark and cold night. As I walked on the wet pebble road to John's house, I had a strange feeling. Some voice inside me were telling and warning me not to go to his house. However, I brushed it off and continued my journey. Little did I know, I was digging my own grave. Every step closer to John's house was a step closer to fulfill his ill intention. As I reached the doorstep of the house, I knocked on the brown door as hard as I could. A tall man with a sinister smile opened the door. He was the ugliest man I had ever seen. His eyes were so small that I doubted he could see clearly while his bizarre hairstyle could make anyone laugh without effort. Worms could be seen crawling out from his nostrils and infected wounds. Suddenly, he grabbed me into the house forcefully. He was too strong for me to release myself. Upon reaching the dim living room with only some moonlight creeping in through the cracks of the window, I saw John was sitting with an older woman. The woman was short, fat and hideous. Then my legs and hands were tied by the monstrous man.

    ''I heard from my son that your father is a billionaire.'' said the woman in a soft voice.

    ''What is your father's phone number?''

    ''Better be honest or we will kill you!'' shouted the ugly man in a fierce tone.

    As I panicked, I told them my father's phone number without giving it a second thought. After all, honesty is the best policy.

    To be continue in part 2...


    februar, no teacher
    Last edited by februar; 13-Oct-2012 at 10:06. Reason: I forgot sth.

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