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Thread: HELP PLEASE

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    #1

    HELP PLEASE

    Prompt: Write an essay about yourself, your interests and plans for the future?

    Is the intro too cheesy?
    Does the last paragraph seem unsure? Will that hurt me?
    Any other mistakes or suggestions?

    Rough Draft

    "I Am a Story"
    I am different. I am unique. I am driven and passionate. But there is so much more to me than simple words. I am a story.

    Raised in central Mississippi suburbia, I was brought up in an ideal atmosphere. A large group of loving family surrounded me from my first moments of life. Despite a flawless childhood, pressure began to mount as I progressed into my preteen years at Saint Andrew’s Episcopal School, known as the most academically challenging college preparatory institute in the state of Mississippi. The added stress of the intense curriculum launched me into a severe state of emotional recession, and at the age of twelve I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I became socially withdrawn and quiet, living within my own mind. I began spending an inordinate amount of time alone in my room studying in order to keep exceptional grades: the one thing that I felt that I could control. The once active softball and basketball player with a giggly personality diminished. At thirteen, I saw my life as hopeless. I felt that any potential that I had ever possessed disappeared with my happiness. Little did I know that hope would revitalize from an unconventional source.

    On September 18, 2006, I received an early Christmas gift that changed my life for the better: a small, gorgeous buckskin colored mare with a silky black mane and tail. Apart from the ponies at the state fair, I had never ridden a horse before, but from the moment I stepped into the stirrup it seemed as if I had an innate talent, a destiny, of sorts. I pin this memory as the beginning of a lifelong journey to concentrate on not only my efforts as an equestrian, but also the health and welfare of all animals.

    Before I began my journey as a rider I was convinced that Veterinary Science was the right profession for me. Throughout my high school career, I toggled with my plans for the future. I shadowed various veterinarians, volunteered with multiple rescue associations, as well as a therapeutic riding center, and worked with a well-respected AQHA Professional Horseman. However, after the experience of working with such well respected horsemen, I now know that horses must also have a place in my career. At the current time, I plan to double major in both Western Equestrian Studies and Pre-Vet programs. I am aware of the many challenges I face in choosing to double major in such intensive programs, but I am confident in my own abilities to accomplish what I desire. I am convinced that the University of Findlay has the capability to help me accomplish remarkable achievements.
    Last edited by morgan21893; 28-Oct-2012 at 20:14. Reason: grammer

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    #2

    Re: HELP PLEASE

    Quote Originally Posted by morgan21893 View Post
    Prompt: Write an essay about yourself, your interests and plans for the future?

    Is the intro too cheesy? Haven't heard this expression for years.
    Does the last paragraph seem unsure? No! Will that hurt me?
    Any other mistakes or suggestions? I think your use of "revitalize" should include an object e.g. "me".

    Rough Draft I would consider this as anything but "rough". I think it's great.

    "I Am a Story"
    I am different. I am unique. I am driven and passionate. But there is so much more to me than simple words. I am a story. (A great intro)

    Raised in central Mississippi suburbia, I was brought up in an ideal atmosphere. A large group of loving family surrounded me from my first moments of life. Despite a flawless childhood, pressure began to mount as I progressed into my preteen years at Saint Andrew’s Episcopal School, known as the most academically challenging college preparatory institute in the state of Mississippi. The added stress of the intense curriculum launched me into a severe state of emotional recession, and at the age of twelve I was diagnosed with clinical depression. I became socially withdrawn and quiet, living within my own mind. I began spending an inordinate amount of time alone in my room studying in order to keep exceptional grades: the one thing that I felt that I could control. The once active softball and basketball player with a giggly personality diminished. At thirteen, I saw my life as hopeless. I felt that any potential that I had ever possessed disappeared with my happiness. Little did I know that hope would revitalize from an unconventional source.

    On September 18, 2006, I received an early Christmas gift that changed my life for the better: a small, gorgeous buckskin colored mare with a silky black mane and tail. Apart from the ponies at the state fair, I had never ridden a horse before, but from the moment I stepped into the stirrup it seemed as if I had an innate talent, a destiny, of sorts. I pin this memory as the beginning of a lifelong journey to concentrate on not only my efforts as an equestrian, but also the health and welfare of all animals.

    Before I began my journey as a rider I was convinced that Veterinary Science was the right profession for me. Throughout my high school career, I toggled with my plans for the future. I shadowed various veterinarians, volunteered with multiple rescue associations, as well as a therapeutic riding center, and worked with a well-respected AQHA Professional Horseman. However, after the experience of working with such well respected horsemen, I now know that horses must also have a place in my career. At the current time, I plan to double major in both Western Equestrian Studies and Pre-Vet programs. I am aware of the many challenges I face in choosing to double major in such intensive programs, but I am confident in my own abilities to accomplish what I desire. I am convinced that the University of Findlay has the capability to help me accomplish remarkable achievements.
    Good luck and keep a positive outlook.

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    #3

    Re: HELP PLEASE

    THANK YOU SO MUCH!

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