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  1. #1
    ziawj2 is offline Member
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    Default improve the choppy sentences

    There are some choppy sentences. I made some changes to improve them. Please help me check them or give me your advice. Thank you!
    1) Original:She was dressed in gray pants and a turtleneck. She looked somewhat like a university student.
    Revised: When she dressed in gray pants and a turtleneck, she looked somewhat like a university student.
    2) A couple of newspapers offered space on their pages. At least some of our reporters could get their stories publised.
    Revised: A couple of newspapers offered space on their pages to have some of our reporters publish their stories.
    3) He did not go to work. He felt bad.
    He did not go to work for he felt bad.
    4) Sherman was 60. He finally got his driver's license.
    Although Sherman was 60, he finally got his driver's license.
    5) The double-decker airplane will be the world's largest passenger plane. It will be roomy enough for you to stretch out.
    As the world's largest passenger plane, the doublt-decker will be roomy enough for you to stretch out.

  2. #2
    Gillnetter is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: improve the choppy sentences

    Quote Originally Posted by ziawj2 View Post
    There are some choppy sentences. I made some changes to improve them. Please help me check them or give me your advice. Thank you!

    I will preface my comments with the comment that I see nothing wrong with the original sentences.

    1) Original:She was dressed in gray pants and a turtleneck. She looked somewhat like a university student.
    Revised: When she dressed in gray pants and a turtleneck, she looked somewhat like a university student.

    Your revision changes the meaning. In the first sentence it is noted that she was dressed a certain way. In your version you introduced a new element - "when". If you have to make this into one sentence - "Dressed in gray pants and a turtleneck, she looked somewhat like a university student".

    2) A couple of newspapers offered space on their pages. At least some of our reporters could get their stories publised.
    Revised: A couple of newspapers offered space on their pages to have some of our reporters publish their stories.

    You have changed the meaning of the sentence by introducing "to have". "A couple of newspapers offered space on their pages, allowing some of our reporters to publish their stories".

    3) He did not go to work. He felt bad.
    He did not go to work for he felt bad. You could use "for" here, but "because" is the more common word.

    4) Sherman was 60. He finally got his driver's license.
    Although Sherman was 60, he finally got his driver's license.
    The first sentence does not carry the notion that age was a problem. It merely stated the fact that Sherman was 60. "At the age of 60, Sherman finally got his driver's license".

    5) The double-decker airplane will be the world's largest passenger plane. It will be roomy enough for you to stretch out.
    As the world's largest passenger plane, the doublt-decker will be roomy enough for you to stretch out.
    Gil

  3. #3
    SoothingDave is offline VIP Member
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    Default Re: improve the choppy sentences

    He did not go to work. He felt bad.

    This could mean that he felt guilty for not going to work. Perhaps he was faking illness or trying to get out of the busiest day.

    Your re-write takes the meaning that because he felt bad, he did not go to work.

  4. #4
    ziawj2 is offline Member
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    Default Re: improve the choppy sentences


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