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  1. #1
    maisatomai is offline Newbie
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    Default Anyone can help me proofread this 300 words essay?

    This essay is to apply for some scholarship.

    Studying for my BBA at the National University of Singapore, I found myself especially interested in finance-related subjects. I earned top scores in the most difficult undergraduate courses, Research Methods in Finance and Investment Analysis, and I found myself deeply inspired when taking the course Corporate Finance by Dr. Ruth Tan, who also supervised my thesis, titled Market Anomalies in the Singapore Stock Market. Furthermore, I passed the CFA L1, L2, L3, FRM L1 and L2 all on the first try, I was inducted into the Beta Gamma Sigma Honours Society, a distinction reserved for the top 10% of students, and I was awarded the CFA Institute Scholarship. I scored 750 on the GMAT, ranking in the 98th percentile overall. In SMU Master in Applied Finance (MAF), I scored A+ for all my modules and my GPA is currently 4.3/4.0.

    I am immensely proud of my accomplishments as a teacher. For example, I achieved a 100% pass rate and 40% distinction for the course Principles of Accounts; I was instrumental in incorporating financial literacy into the school’s curriculum; and I led a team in clinching the silver award in the National Youth Business Challenge. Being a teacher taught me how to communicate effectively with large groups of people and solve problems effectively. These are highly transferable skills which will certainly benefit me in my future career.

    I passed my CAIA level 1 in one try, with six out of eight scores in the outstanding category. I have registered for the CAIA level 2. I strongly believe in CAIA Foundation’s mission, and am sure that the knowledge I gained from this program will benefit the alternative investment society in the future. After I graduated from the MAF program, I hope to break into the hedge fund industry as an analyst. In the long run, I see myself becoming a top hedge fund portfolio manager, and a successful alumni of SMU.

    A full time job does not make school easily affordable, and any help I can get is appreciated. My wife is a homemaker looking after two children and I am the sole breadwinner in my family. A scholarship will help me lighten my burden and help me achieve the goal I set for myself, which is to excel in the financial industry.
    Last edited by maisatomai; 17-Nov-2012 at 03:55.

  2. #2
    maisatomai is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Anyone can help me proofread this 300 words essay?

    please help

  3. #3
    Gillnetter is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: Anyone can help me proofread this 300 words essay?

    Quote Originally Posted by maisatomai View Post
    This essay is to apply for some a scholarship.

    Studying for my BBA (Spell the exact name) at the National University of Singapore, I found myself especially interested in finance-related subjects. I earned top scores in the most difficult undergraduate courses, Research Methods in Finance and Investment Analysis., and I found myself deeply inspired when taking the course Corporate Finance by Dr. Ruth Tan, who also supervised my thesis, titled Market Anomalies in the Singapore Stock Market. Furthermore, I passed the CFA L1, L2, L3, FRM L1 and L2 (I assume that you assume the reader knows what CFA, L1...FRM and so on means, I don't) all on the first try. I was inducted into the Beta Gamma Sigma Honours Society, a distinction reserved for the top 10% of students. In addition, and I was awarded the CFA Institute Scholarship. I scored 750 on the GMAT, ranking in the 98th percentile overall. In SMU Master in Applied Finance (MAF), I scored A+ for all my modules and my GPA is currently 4.3/4.0.

    I am immensely proud of my accomplishments as a teacher. For example, I achieved a 100% pass rate and 40% distinction for the course Principles of Accounts. I was instrumental in incorporating financial literacy into the schoolís curriculum and I led a team in clinching the silver award in the National Youth Business Challenge. Being a teacher taught me how to communicate effectively with large groups of people and solve problems effectively. These are highly transferable skills which will certainly benefit me in my future career.

    I passed my CAIA level 1 in one try, with six out of eight scores in the outstanding category. I have registered for the CAIA level 2. I strongly believe in CAIA Foundationís mission, and am sure that the knowledge I gained from this program will benefit the alternative investment society in the future. After I graduated graduate from the MAF program, I hope to break into the hedge fund industry as an analyst. In the long run, I see myself becoming a top hedge fund portfolio manager, and a successful alumni of SMU.

    A full time job does not make school easily affordable (This doesn't make any sense. How does having a full time job make school more expensive?), and any help I can get is will be appreciated. My wife is a homemaker looking after two children and I am the sole breadwinner in my family. A scholarship will help me lighten my burden and help me achieve the goal I set for myself, which is to excel in the financial industry.
    1. Your sentences are too long. You don't have to include everything in one sentence.
    2. You have too many abbreviations - CAIA, SMU, CFA, MAF, etc. - in the text.
    3. You write about you and what you need and want. It is better to write about how your getting an advanced education will help others.

  4. #4
    maisatomai is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Anyone can help me proofread this 300 words essay?

    Thanks Gillnetter. I have edited my essay based on your comment.

    Appreciate it if you can reread my improved version of the third paragraph. I added in one sentence about how I plan to use the scholarship to help others. Do you think it will be enough?

    I passed my CAIA level 1 in one try, with six out of eight scores in the outstanding category. I have registered for the CAIA level 2. I strongly believe in CAIA Foundation’s mission, and am sure that the knowledge I gained from this program will benefit the investment society in the future. In my job as a teacher, I am very active in promoting financial literacy. In the future, I hope to use my knowledge from my higher education to educate the public about the importance of financial literacy. After I graduate from the MAF program, I hope to break into the hedge fund industry as an analyst. In the long run, I see myself becoming a top hedge fund portfolio manager, and a successful alumni of SMU. I aim to be a mentor in the SMU alumni mentorship program and help my fellow schoolmates enter into the financial industry.
    Last edited by maisatomai; 17-Nov-2012 at 13:32.

  5. #5
    maisatomai is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Anyone can help me proofread this 300 words essay?

    Anyone can help? Dateline coming tomorrow

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