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  1. #1
    chowbarry is offline Junior Member
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    Please help me improve the following short passage?

    Please help me improve the following short passage?

    I write to express my great concern over the latest development concerning the re-installation of electronic mounted fan within the toilet of ABC park.

    Last week, I had a telephone conversation with Mr. A of your department and he said that a new electronic mounted fan (the previous one was found to be stolen three months ago) was set to be reinstalled whilst a metal padlock was suggested to attach on it, which would cost a combination fees of $700. As our park toilet has been without a electronic mounted fan for months, we are truly aware of ever-increasing public discontent.

    Please let me know your progress of reinstalling the electronic mounted as soon as possible, thank you for your attention!

    Thank you!

  2. #2
    High on grammar is offline Junior Member
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    Re: Please help me improve the following short passage?

    Quote Originally Posted by chowbarry View Post
    Please help me improve the following short passage?

    I write to express my great concern over the latest development concerning the re-installation of electronic mounted fan within the toilet of ABC park.

    Last week, I had a telephone conversation with Mr. A of your department and he said that a new electronic mounted fan (the previous one was found to be stolen three months ago) was set to be reinstalled whilst a metal padlock was suggested to attach on it, which would cost a combination fees of $700. As our park toilet has been without a electronic mounted fan for months, we are truly aware of ever-increasing public discontent.

    Please let me know your progress of reinstalling the electronic mounted as soon as possible, thank you for your attention!

    Thank you!
    This is what I came up with. But I am not sure how correct I am.

    You might want to get a second opinion
    Last week, during the telephone conversation I had with Mr. A of your department I was informed of a new electronic mounted fan (the previous one was stolen three months ago) having been set to be installed, on which a metal combination padlock was suggested to be attached, which would cost $700. It has been months that our park toilet has been without an electronic fan, which has become an increasing source of public discontent
    Please keep me informed of your work progress as soon as possible.
    Thank you for your cooperation.

  3. #3
    chowbarry is offline Junior Member
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    Re: Please help me improve the following short passage?

    Thank you for your advice!

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