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  1. #1
    Marina Gaidar's Avatar
    Marina Gaidar is offline Member
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    Default He strains to the utmost to evoke fire, but when he looks at his hands they produce o

    I'm translating fairy tales and historical texts, as usual. Sorry to bother you with all this magical stuff, but the words compatibility really kills me! So, imagine that a person (who is not really a person, but a demon) has a special power - he can evoke fire. He appeares from the fire and reappeares in some other places with the help of it. So... does it sound ok: "He strains to the utmost to evoke fire, but when he looks at his hands they produce only weak gleam". The troublesome places are in bold.

  2. #2
    Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    Default Re: He strains to the utmost to evoke fire, but when he looks at his hands they produ

    And continuation of this: "Your fire will not avail any of your kind in my realm till I draw breath!" Natural or not natural? It should sound old-fashioned and magical.

  3. #3
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    Default Re: He strains to the utmost to evoke fire, but when he looks at his hands they produ

    For evoke I think 'call up' would be better.

    '...avail any of your kind in my realm...' is OK (given your preference for archaism), but do you mean 'while I draw breath' (equals 'as long as I live'). In your context, though, 'till I draw breath' might make sense (in the sense 'until I assume animate form'.

    b

  4. #4
    Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    Default Re: He strains to the utmost to evoke fire, but when he looks at his hands they produ

    Quote Originally Posted by BobK View Post
    For evoke I think 'call up' would be better.

    '...avail any of your kind in my realm...' is OK (given your preference for archaism), but do you mean 'while I draw breath' (equals 'as long as I live'). In your context, though, 'till I draw breath' might make sense (in the sense 'until I assume animate form'.

    b
    Yes, I meant as long as I live. Would it sound better if I write like this "as long as I live" instead of "while I draw breath"?

  5. #5
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    Default Re: He strains to the utmost to evoke fire, but when he looks at his hands they produ

    'As long as I draw breath' would suit your style better.

    b

  6. #6
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    Default Re: He strains to the utmost to evoke fire, but when he looks at his hands they produ

    PS I've just thought: 'strains every sinew' would be better than '...strains to the utmost' (it's suitably archaic).

    b

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