Results 1 to 4 of 4

Thread: happiness

  1. #1
    gauri_agr is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Hindi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    191
    Post Thanks / Like

    happiness

    Hi All,

    Please review my story below and correct the English. Thanks in advance

    -------------------------------------------------------
    There was a very poor boy. His name was Tom. He used to live in a small hut and he even didnít have cot to sleep. He used to sleep on the hard floor.
    One day he was very sad that he works so hard but he could just earn to buy his bread. He was crying when his boss saw him. His boss always liked him. Boss asked Tom if he could work an extra hour, he could increase his salary to double. Tom was very happy. He said yes to this offer. Soon he was able to buy a cot.
    One day Tom was invited by one of his friend on his bíday. His house was so beautiful. Tom could not think to invite his friends to his house. He was so sad and crying. His boss saw him crying and asked him if he could work and extra hour, he can double his salary. Tom was so glad. He started working hard. He soon got a very good house.
    One day one of tomís friend gave a ride in his CAR. Tom felt so cozy in the CAR and he reached to his work place so soon. Otherwise he would have walked to the work place. He was so sad that he could not afford a car. He was crying when his boss saw him. His boss again offered him the same thing that if he could work an extra hour, he could double his salary.. Tom was happily read and soon he had a CAR.
    Tom was very smart and hardworking and soon he a big screen TV, a smart phone, laptop and many other things he ever liked. Tom was very happy with his progress but he had to work real hard to get all these things. Infect many nights he never slept. He becomes so used to wake up in the night that even if he wanted to sleep, he was sleep less.
    One day Tom felt a pain in his chest and he went into an emergency where doctor told him that he had an heart attack. Doctor also told that he has been diagnosed with high blood pressure and diabetes. When tom asked the reason doctor told that he had not slept properly for many years and so he developed insomnia and so other diseases.
    Tom was again sad. He had a a grand and beautiful cot but he does not have the sleep in his eyes. He had food but he could not eat food but he could only eat the medicines. He had everything but he could not enjoy as he was sick. He was again crying when his boss saw him. His boss told that he himself had all these problems and we cannot our body back now.. Tom was in deep depression now and shouted so loudly.
    Suddenly his mom came into Tomís room and asked if he had a bad dream. Tom was dreaming all these things he was so revealed and jumped out of the bed with joy and confirms that he is out of all the diseases. Mom also told Tom that it is Sunday and all of his friends are waiting for him to play.

    Tom could remember the last Friday in the school when his friend was making fun of him that he always wears one pant. When tom told that no he had many pant then before he could complete his sentence, his friend told him that he had many pant of same type. Tom was so happy after the dream that he was determined not to bother by his friend as he knows he has a healthy body which is much more precious than having a few pairs of pants.

    --------------------------

    Gauri

  2. #2
    Joe Rodrigues is offline Newbie
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • United States
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    6
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: happiness

    Please put a blank line between paragraphs.

    Like this. Indenting the first line of the second and following paragraphs is an acceptable alternate. If you do neither, it's hard to read your text.

    > cot to sleep.
    - cot to sleep on.
    Compare "book to read" and "things to do." "Cot to sleep" makes "sleep" sound like a transitive verb.

    > that he works
    - that he worked
    Tense agreement.

    > but he could just earn
    - and could only earn enough money

    > Boss
    Optionally, "the boss." But it's okay to turn a common noun into a proper noun when you're telling a story, especially if you want it to sound like a folk tale.

    > asked Tom if he could work an extra hour, he could increase his salary to double.
    - asked Tom if he could work an extra hour and offered to pay him double wages.
    The parallel is "Boss asked ... [Boss] could increase" - I changed it to use the same form both times. This improves readability.

    > one of his friend
    - one of his friends

    > bíday
    - birthday
    I'd spell it out, especially because the narrator is speaking.

    > could not think to invite his friends
    - could not imagine inviting his friends
    "Think to do" : realize something needs to be done and do it
    "imagine doing" : think about doing something

    > he can double
    > one of tomís friend
    Same as above.

    > CAR
    I do not know why this is capitalized.

    > to the work place
    - there

    > things he ever liked
    - things he had wanted

    > Infect
    - In fact

    ---

    I'm going to point out the remainder of the errors or rough spots without correction.

    > so used to wake up
    > he was sleep less
    > into an emergency where doctor told him
    >
    tom
    > so he developed insomnia and so other diseases
    > a a grand and beautiful cot
    cot vs bed

    > does not have the sleep in his eyes
    I like this idiom, but it isn't standard.

    > he had food but he could not eat food

    > we cannot our body back now..
    > he was so revealed
    > confirms

    > that he is out of all the diseases
    - that he didn't have any of the diseases

    > is ... are

    > that he always wears one pant
    - because he always wore the same pair of pants
    "Pants" is always plural. You need "pair of pants" to count them. Weird, but that's the way it is.

    > determined not to bother by his friend
    - determined to not be bothered by his friends

    --

    The story is functional, but low-intensity.

    - Give Tom somebody or something to care for, a family or a pet or goals. He doesn't just sacrifice his health along the way, but his obligations to others.

    - Expand the description of physical places. This is fine as a flash story, but it could also be the outline for a novella.

    - Either remove the "it was all a dream" part at the end, or show Tom's classmates taunting him. Putting that detail at the end puts it out of order.

    I liked it, especially since I know how hard it is to tell a story even in my native language.

  3. #3
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • UK
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Posts
    24,938
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: happiness

    In BrE, a "cot" is a bed with raised sides/railings which a baby sleeps in - click HERE. Once a child is too old for a cot, it moves to a bed, so I would use "bed" in your first sentence.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  4. #4
    gauri_agr is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Hindi
      • Home Country:
      • India
      • Current Location:
      • United States
    Join Date
    Jan 2010
    Posts
    191
    Post Thanks / Like

    Re: happiness

    Ton of thanks Joe for being true for your comments. You have given me lot of inputs to work on my story again. Thanks emsr2d2 for your inputs. I love this forum. Gauri

Similar Threads

  1. happiness
    By jiang in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 17-Apr-2008, 05:24
  2. Happiness
    By Over the top in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 08-Feb-2008, 18:57
  3. happiness to
    By Anonymous in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 21-Dec-2003, 15:40

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •