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  1. #1
    Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    Default Help, please, to edit the fantasy text

    Hi! Here is an abstract from the fantasy style text which I'm trying to translate. Help me, please, to edit it. It should sound archaic, so the use of some archaic or old-fashioned words would be just great!

    "YARYLO
    We were so reckless. We let Marena follow us…
    ARDEYA
    (strokes his hair soothingly)
    Sh… you must not worry now…
    YARYLO
    How long does it take to get to Polestar village?
    ARDEYA
    About two hours with a good horse and less than ten minutes with Marena’s ash sorcery.
    YARYLO
    So she has been there already…
    ARDEYA
    May be Marena is an artful foe…
    YARYLO
    (ironically)
    May be?
    ARDEYA
    …but she has one major vice. She tends to underestimate her rivals.
    YARYLO
    What do you mean?
    ARDEYA
    Too overweening, Marena made no effort to conceal her presence. As soon as I discovered her following us, I led her astray and headed for this stronghold to ask for protection. So now Marena is probably a little bit… disappointed.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help, please, to edit the fantasy text

    I only have two problems with it as far as sense is concerned:

    1) What is "ash sorcery"?
    2) There is no such word as "overweened".
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  3. #3
    Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help, please, to edit the fantasy text

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    I only have two problems with it as far as sense is concerned:

    1) What is "ash sorcery"?
    2) There is no such word as "overweened".
    1) Well, ash sorcery is a kind of sorcery when somebody uses ash to do magic.
    2) By overweened I meant self-assured.

  4. #4
    5jj's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help, please, to edit the fantasy text

    May be Marena is an artful foe…
    It may be that Marena is an artful foe ...
    Maybe Marena is an artful foe...

  5. #5
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help, please, to edit the fantasy text

    Quote Originally Posted by Marina Gaidar View Post
    1) Well, ash sorcery is a kind of sorcery when somebody uses ash to do magic.
    2) By overweened I meant self-assured.
    1. Does "ash sorcery" exist or have you made it up?
    2. What's wrong with the phrase "self-assured" then? Where did you find "overweened"?
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  6. #6
    Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help, please, to edit the fantasy text

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    1. Does "ash sorcery" exist or have you made it up?
    2. What's wrong with the phrase "self-assured" then? Where did you find "overweened"?
    1) I've made it up:)
    2) Nothing is wrong with self-assured. I just thought that overweened sounded more archaic. I found it on dictionary.com. Maybe I used in a wrong way.

  7. #7
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Default Re: Help, please, to edit the fantasy text

    It may be archaic. I'd just never heard it and I would be inclined to think that's probably the case for the majority of people. I'm not generally a fan of writing which has me reaching for the dictionary. There is nothing about the word "overweened" which gives a clue to its meaning so it would have to be looked up.

    Can you post the link to "overweened". I can only find hits for "overween" (verb) and "overweening".
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  8. #8
    Stephanie S is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Help, please, to edit the fantasy text

    It is a verb, but I guess it can be used in the past participle as an adjective. I seem to remember it from Shakespeare maybe...

  9. #9
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    Default Re: Help, please, to edit the fantasy text

    'Overweened' would suggest that someone had been overweening towards her, which is not what you want to say. (Compare 'patronising' and 'patronised'.) You can use archaic (or even invented) words in a fantasy novel, but you need to be sure that they could function grammatically.

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