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  1. Marina Gaidar's Avatar
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    #1

    My child, an offspring of a forbidden love you are, of love that had no right

    Again, speaking about the letter of a mother to her child. "My child, an offspring of a forbidden love you are, of love that had no right to befall and stood no chance to last". Does it sound ok taking into account that it should be archaic?

  2. konungursvia's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: My child, an offspring of a forbidden love you are, of love that had no right

    No, this time you've gone and messed up. I'd re-write the whole passage.

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: My child, an offspring of a forbidden love you are, of love that had no right

    Quote Originally Posted by Marina Gaidar View Post
    Again, speaking about the letter of a mother to her child. "My child, an offspring of a forbidden love you are, of love that had no right to befall and stood no chance to last". Does it sound ok taking into account that it should be archaic?
    The beginning is OK, I guess. "My child, you are the offspring of a forbidden love ..."
    If you want to make it properly archaic, maybe "thou art" instead of "you are".

    The rest of it, as konungursvia said, needs rewriting.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

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    #4

    Re: My child, an offspring of a forbidden love you are, of love that had no right

    you might get by with ... "of a love that had no right to be and stood no chance to last." I'm not sure what you are intending by archaic (a certain century, or like a certain poet, or maybe something else??)

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