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  1. #1
    bbar23 is offline Newbie
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    Post BS NURSING PROGRAM ADMISSION ESSAY -- HELP!! EDITING/SUGGESTIONS

    So... I need help. I've been working on this admission essay for a couple weeks now (I've seriously considered scrapping the whole thing several times) and I just feel like something in it isn't working in it. This essay is EXTREMELY important because my admission into the program depends on it so I really need for it to be strong. So any suggestions/edits/revisions are greatly greatly appreciated! (however harsh they may be) I know its long but I just really need an outside perspective that doesn't know my story to look over it and give me some feedback. Please help if you can!! Here goes...

    Prompt: The essay question or personal response, needs to address the following topics in 3-5 pages:
    Why have you chosen to pursue nursing as a career?
    Why do you want to pursue baccalaureate preparation in nursing?
    What qualities do you believe you possess that will enable you to perform effectively as a student and later as a practicing nurse?
    How can nursing address and improve global healthcare needs?



    As I walked into the waiting room of the radiation treatment center in _____ Hospital for the first time, I wasnít sure how to act; angry, worried, supportive, or courageous? I was nervous, but I knew I had to be strong for her. I can still recall every detail of that day for many reasons, one of them being because it was when I, at age 9, first began to understand what it meant to be a nurse. As I was sitting there quietly next to my little sister, I thought about the many questions I had, but that I did not want to ask; would the radiation really hurt my mom? She would really be coming back? As I was watching my mom being lead from the waiting room full of quiet adults into one of the treatment rooms, a young nurse sitting behind the desk called out to me. She exclaimed, ďWhat are you girls doing sitting way out there?Ē At first, I thought we were in trouble but she marched out from behind her desk, stuck her hands out for us to grab them and explained, ďSuch important young ladies like yourselves donít sit in the waiting area, they sit behind the desk with me!Ē We spent the rest of that day, and every ďtreatment dayĒ after that, sitting behind the desk with Nurse Janet greeting patients and learning a little about what was really going on. Janet, who helped more than she will ever understand by just that simple gesture, is someone I could never forget because she brought laughter, comfort, and warmth into both mine and my sisterís even though we were not her patients. My sister and I continued to meet nurse after nurse that my mom had befriended during each stage of treatment in her battle against breast cancer. Nurses coming over with their kids for dinner or birthday parties and play dates became a regular thing for my family; I thought all nurses were like the ones I knew and that it was their job to become a part of our lives! It wasnít until I was older and started looking for a career that I could see myself fitting into, that I realized how special the nurses I had encountered really were. I realized the way they had become long-term friends with my family wasnít part of the job description or was even required them, but it was instead something special that accompanied the profession when the right person found it. I believe the profession has found me.

    The answer to who I am as a person and who I wanted to become was not always right in front of me. While growing up I was set, for a very long time, on becoming a photographer, just like my mom was. As a photographer, I thought I could travel all over the world and freeze both tremendous and simple moments in time, then share them with the individualís I was photographing. While in high school, I started photographing every event I could. I became the go to school photographer who could be counted upon for capturing every moment and then sharing the photos in school newspapers, bulletin boards, and yearbooks. I also had the privilege of photographing and participating in our schoolís first midnight run, something I helped the community service club organize. We started bringing prepared food, clothes, toiletries, and smiles to individual homeless people of NYC on a monthly basis. Besides having the opportunity to reach out to people who had nothing, it was here that I captured some of my favorite photos of the individuals who radiated gratefulness and joy over us simply sharing our time, attention, and donations with them. With each trip back to visit the homeless and with each service event I participated in over the years, I began to think a lot about how rewarding giving back and interacting with those in need was. As a photographer, I felt I could bring happiness and beauty into suffering individualís lives by offering to take photos of moments shared with their families and friends; whether they were moments of sadness, triumph, laughter, or even last moments. But as I grew older and began interacting more with others who needed help financially or who were very ill, I realized that while photography could offer those individuals physical memories of special moments, I needed to be more than just a face behind a camera. I felt that photography alone just wasnít enough. I knew that I instead wanted to be a part of those profound and simple moments where human life, love, care, and passion lived.

    I began to think back to the nurses who kept alive my momís spirit and became a part of our moments, and who therefore both directly and indirectly helped me. I also began to think about the individuals I had met while volunteering, such as those I met in hospitals, the homeless in NYC, other breast cancer patients, hospice members, the elderly in the retirement homes, and so many others who were all affected by my desire to become a part of their moments. I started to become more involved in my community and continue to be involved today. When I became a certified lifeguard at age 16, I finally had the right amount of hands on exposure to physical treatment that I needed to point me in the direction of a career in healthcare. Iíve come to realize how vital nurses are to local and global communities, as well as to individuals, and how much they truly give of themselves to their patients. The dedication, critical thinking, maturity, creativity, patience, and more patience that nurses must utilize daily, are skills that Iíve already had the opportunity to develop and will continue to develop. In my career as a nurse, I feel that I will be able to bring my creativity in photography and love of helping others in order to contribute to, as well as advance, the field in a unique way. While a large portion of my healthcare experience has not yet come from a work place, but rather a bit closer to home, Iíve still gained enough invaluable experience volunteering in several fields of healthcare already to know that I have undoubtedly discovered the field I want to forever be a part of.

    After each experience I had interacting with those who needed help in one way or another, I further realized the importance of something so simple as making people comfortable and confident with laughter and warmth when they need it, just like nurse Janet had done for me. My motherís battle against breast cancer came to an end a few days after I turned 11; a day neither I nor my little sister could ever truly be prepared for. But little did I know that the experiences and the people we encountered during that time would later give meaning to my decision to become a nurse. Iíve been encouraged and truly inspired by the nurses who taught me how to have compassion, understanding, and patience when it comes to treating a human being. I have numerous creative ideas and objectives for patient care that I hope I will be able to bring into my career as a nurse. Without the strength my mom has taught me, without the many nurses who have become a part of my family, and without the individuals Iíve encountered in my lifetime, Iím not sure I would have come to understand the importance of what it means to help others and therefore, what it means to be a nurse. I may still be young and have so much more to learn, but I already feel that my past and present experiences offer me grounding, enabling me the ability to become an extraordinary nurse much like the ones Iíve encountered. I know in my heart that this is the right profession for me. Iíve learned from others how to humble myself and how to open my heart to individuals that need me. As a nurse, I in turn hope to help others learn the same.

    Nursing is more than just a future profession for me; it is a privilege that will allow me to share my compassion for human beings by the responsibilities granted to me. By completing the baccalaureate program at ________, I know I will be challenged and influenced by top quality educators who share many of the same beliefs and hopes for others that I have. As an aspiring nurse, I'm seeking a program that offers both a challenging and comprehensive curriculum: one in which I can gain early exposure to clinical practice and become trained to be the best nurse I can be in a diverse learning environment. By becoming a baccalaureate prepared nurse after completion of the program at ______, I know that I will have received the best and most current education that will allow me to impact others in the most profound way possible. I believe, wholeheartedly, that nursing is the right profession for me and that _______ School of Nursing is the place where I will truly thrive as a student and as a future nurse and friend. Although I know I will be facing an accelerated and rigorous program, I look forward to an enriching experience afforded by this institution and the invaluable ability to give myself to others.

  2. #2
    bbar23 is offline Newbie
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    Re: BS NURSING PROGRAM ADMISSION ESSAY -- HELP!! EDITING/SUGGESTIONS

    someone help please?? :(

  3. #3
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
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    Re: BS NURSING PROGRAM ADMISSION ESSAY -- HELP!! EDITING/SUGGESTIONS

    Sorry, bbar. We like to help when we can, but to help with an essay on which your admission depends is unfair. The hospital/traing school authorities wnat to know how you can express your thoughts, not how we can help improve your prospects. We cannot help you here. I can just suggest that you look again at:

    The essay question or personal response, needs to address the following topics in 3-5 pages:
    Why have you chosen to pursue nursing as a career?
    Why do you want to pursue baccalaureate preparation in nursing?
    What qualities do you believe you possess that will enable you to perform effectively as a student and later as a practicing nurse?
    How can nursing address and improve global healthcare needs?


    There are four clear questions there. Do you think you have given sufficient attention to all four of the questions?

    We wish you the very best of luck.

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