I am new to this forum and would like to share my experience in learning English with you all. To improve my business writing skill, I attended a writing course last year. The course was helpful - I learned the principles of good writing. The course was not that valuable as I didn't achieve the expected outcome (My expectation was unrealistic.). In other words, I still make simple grammar mistakes. Other than that, I am also challenged by sentence structure. I asked a native speaker to review my writing. He rewrited some sentences and restructured the whole paragraph. I totally lost my confidence in my English writing after that.
As an ESL person, I really need courage to admit my poor writing skill in front of others especially at work. I have to accept others' criticism. My career has been affected by my poor writing skill. I am in a blue mood at the moment and don't know where to start. I hope someone can give me some hints but I don't believe a mirricle would happen.
The first thing I want to say is that your English is excellent. You have posted two medium-length paragraphs and they contained only two errors. That's probably better than some native speakers can do. If the English you use at work is like the English you have used in this post, you have no real problems.
Did the native speaker you asked for help rewrite your sentences because they were actually wrong, or because he thought he could improve them, perhaps make them more natural? There is a big difference between the two.
Everyone in the world needs to learn to accept criticism, especially when it is constructive criticism. However, business English feels like a foreign language even to native English speakers sometimes, so it is certainly no reason to get stressed. You clearly got something out of your course last year.
The best place for you to get help from this forum is the Editing and Writing Topics section. You can post whole pieces (not too long please) and we will comment and assist.
Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.