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  1. #1
    super computer's Avatar
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    Cool My write from my mind

    Hi there

    Today I will try to write a paragraph from my mind and the title is My Adventure .

    Upon one days I went to the marketing with my family in my city when I was a small age. In this place someone who has a big stomach and sharp eyes. He has a small car with control. He hits anyone when someone came near to him and play his game. But me I want to play it because I required my mother to buy the slimier game but she didn't buy it.When I see this kid with this game, I thinking how can I play it without hit me? In this case I require my mother to give me some sweet and chocolates but my mother didn't give me anything. I wondered myself how can I play it. After five minutes I find the solution and laugh like evil.,In my hand has beautiful digital clock. It's Ben Ten clock. I gave him my clock and he made happy. After that I run quickly to my mother and cry. what happen? she said. That kid steal my clock and I cry very strong. She goes to his and said something to his ears. They talk together with silent sound. I didn't listen what they said but the boy's eyes convert from sharp eye to beautiful eyes. He came to me and caught my hand and said, can you play with me? I was surprise and felt happy. I play it.Finally, I knew my mother talk gently with him. In this case I learn the beautiful words are better than the bad method.

    The end




    Last edited by super computer; 31-Jan-2013 at 13:47. Reason: Edited punctuation on behalf of OP because I confused him.

  2. #2
    super computer's Avatar
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    Re: My write from my mind

    I'm wait to correct my paragraph ^_^

  3. #3
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    Re: My write from my mind

    Please don't be impatient. We will get to your piece when we get to it.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  4. #4
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    Re: My write from my mind

    But you need to explain what you mean by your o'clock. That makes no sense to me. And after you told your mother the other child stole your thing, she went over and said "I love you" to him? That's not very logical.
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

  5. #5
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: My write from my mind

    Before we continue to look at it, please edit your piece to use correct punctuation. It is very difficult to read at the moment.

    - Do not put a space before a full stop, comma, question mark or exclamation mark.
    - Always put a comma after a full stop, comma, question mar or exclamation mark.
    - There is no need to "centre" your work. Please put it all back to the left margin.
    - Do not put two different punctuation marks at the end of a sentence. If you have used a question mark, do not put a full stop after it.
    - Put quotation marks around speech.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  6. #6
    super computer's Avatar
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    Re: My write from my mind

    Now I edited

    But I'm not understand

    Always put a space after a full stop, comma, question mark or exclamation mark
    It's very strange.
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 30-Jan-2013 at 21:09.

  7. #7
    Odessa Dawn's Avatar
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    Re: My write from my mind

    ***NOT A TEACHER***


    But I don’t understand not …


    Quote Originally Posted by super computer View Post
    But I'm not understand
    Quote Originally Posted by super computer View Post
    It's very strange.

    Always put a space after a full stop, comma, question mark or exclamation mark.



  8. #8
    emsr2d2's Avatar
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    Re: My write from my mind

    I'm sorry, super computer. As Odessa Dawn said, I meant "Always put a space after a comma, full stop, exclamation mark or question mark".
    I can see that you edited your post following my original (incorrect) instruction and I am sorry about that.
    I have edited your post again, removed the extra commas, and I have inserted a space after each full stop for you.

    Now please read post #4 by BarbD and answer her questions. Thanks.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  9. #9
    super computer's Avatar
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    Re: My write from my mind

    I answered her question when I edited my post .Now it's different. You can see.

    And thank you for edited my post.

  10. #10
    Barb_D's Avatar
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    Re: My write from my mind

    One more thing you need address is why you wanted to badly to play with this fat, mean child who hits everyone. Why did you want so badly to play with him?
    I'm not a teacher, but I write for a living. Please don't ask me about 2nd conditionals, but I'm a safe bet for what reads well in (American) English.

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