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  1. #1
    Tsuri is offline Newbie
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    Red face Gently request to check my statement of purpose

    This is the rule "In an essay of up to 200 words, describe your plan of study and/ or research you propose to pursue and relate this to your future career plan. (You may include additional relevant material for which there was insufficient space on this form)"
    Here's my statement of purpose and my proposed future career essays, i'll be more than happy and so grateful if you checked them for me and gave me your over all idea about them ,also my statement of purpose is 444 words , is that okay ??? and what are the additional materials that can be included. thanks in advance :)

    Statement of purpose :
    It took me twenty years to become who I am today. Now I am known as an independent, open-minded, and friendly girl who has lot of goals which need to be achieved. I am eager to learn new things and I am good persistent with schoolwork since I consider myself a diligent person.

    Two years ago I graduated from high school. I was full of excitement and ambition to start my university studies, and since it will be my first year of education in my home country (Sudan), I was even more excited. My desire was to study medicine, so I studied hard and got good results which qualified me to enter medical school in Sudan. I gained admission but unfortunately I couldn't start studying there immediately, due to circumstances beyond my control. Precisely, the area responsible for residency and foreign affairs refused to complete my travel procedure, and that due to unknown reasons I was completely not part of them.

    One year later I applied to the local university where I live ĖUniversity of Tabuk Ė KSAĖ. I started studying the preparatory year where my main goal was to achieve my ambition. In this year I studied the following subjects: Biology, Physics, Mathematics, Chemistry, English and Computer Science, all in English. I finished with a score of 4.91 out of 5.00. It was an excellent score which qualified for the university's respected majors, including those in the medical field. Sadly, there were restrictions on foreign students, so I was unable to select a major in medicine.

    I still hope and believe that someday Iíll achieve my aim. I believe that during the aforementioned period I gained a lot of knowledge and experience. Taking the preparatory year added a lot to my experience and now I know what college life is like. In addition to what I learned in this year, since the subjects were in English, my English level improved greatly. As evidence of this, I scored 100/100 in Level 2 of the English course. I think now Iím more prepared than ever to start my undergraduate study, and I hope this scholarship will give me that opportunity. The scholarship will also give me the chance to experience a totally different environment, where communication will be in English. That will improve my English speaking skills a lot. Also Iím sure living in a whole different country can make me more independent, help me gain insight from cultural differences and expand my networking.

    I know that the way to my goals is full of challenges and difficulties, but all that will urge and encourage me to continue and persevere.

    Proposed future career :
    In the future I would like to be a Doctor, itís been my dream job since I was a kid, also my parents wish to see me as a Doctor and I would love to make their wish true one day.
    I have always thought that Medicine is a very honorable profession, since it seeks to help those who need it the most. Human body always caught my interest, in school I always loved the biology class, I think this makes it the perfect job for me.
    I hope someday I can give the hand of help to who needs it and maybe help find a cure for some serious diseases and serve my community.

  2. #2
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    Grumpy is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Gently request to check my statement of purpose

    There is no point in going over this Statement of Purpose in any detail until you have drastically reduced it in size. You have been asked to produce an essay "of up to 200 words". That means it may be fewer than 200 words, but it must not be more! The whole point of setting an upper limit on the number of words is to see if you have the ability, and the discipline, to include everything you have been asked for, and absolutely NOTHING irrelevant.

    What do I mean by "irrelevant? That means such phrases as "I was full of excitement and ambition to start my university studies,";"I was even more excited"; "I still hope and believe that someday I’ll achieve my aim. I believe that during the aforementioned period.."; "it’s been my dream job since I was a kid, also my parents wish to see me as a Doctor and I would love to make their wish true one day";and, last but not least, "I have always thought that Medicine is a very honorable profession, since it seeks to help those who need it the most. Human body always caught my interest, in school I always loved the biology class, I think this makes it the perfect job for me. I hope someday I can give the hand of help to who needs it and maybe help find a cure for some serious diseases and serve my community".

    I'm sorry if I appear to be dismissing what you have obviously put a lot of work into, but you MUST re-read the instructions: "In an essay of up to 200 words, describe your plan of study and/ or research you propose to pursue and relate this to your future career plan.", and do exactly as you have been asked; otherwise you will waste your time submitting this application.

    Finally, you asked about the part that says
    (You may include additional relevant material for which there was insufficient space on this form). Presumably, the application form had many other sections which you had to fill in. Perhaps the space in some of the sections was not large enough for you to include all of your qualifications, or interests, or work experience for example. If there is something that you really wish to include in the form, then you may put it in the essay - within your 200 word limit!

    Good luck. I look forward to seeing your amended - and much shorter - essay.
    I'm not a teacher of English, but I have spoken it for (almost) all of my life....

  3. #3
    Tsuri is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Gently request to check my statement of purpose

    I have been trying to shrink it for almost 4 hours, I'm so tired
    Here what it's now like, it's still more than 200 though ( 227 )


    It took me twenty years to become who I am today. Now I am known as a determined, open-minded, and friendly girl who has lot of goals which need to be achieved. I am eager to learn new things and I am good persistent with schoolwork since I consider myself a diligent person.
    My lifelong goal is to study Medicine, In order to achieve this ambition I started studying the preparatory year in the University of Tabuk. I finished with an excellent score 4.91 out of 5.00. It qualified me for the university's respected majors, including those in the medical field. Sadly, there were restrictions on foreign students, so I was unable to select a major in them.
    Regardless, I believe the preparatory year added a lot to my knowledge, my English level improved greatly. As evidence of this, I scored 100/100 in Level 2 of the English course. I think now I’m more prepared than ever to start my undergraduate study in my desired major, and I hope this scholarship will give me that opportunity. The scholarship will also help me be more independent, gain insight from cultural differences and expand my networking.
    I know that the way to my goals is full of challenges and difficulties, but all that will urge and encourage me to continue and persevere.

  4. #4
    Tsuri is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Gently request to check my statement of purpose

    Here's even a smaller one (203) words not sure if it's okay, please I need a quick check -especially it's grammar- because I'll submit it today.


    I am known as a determined, open-minded, and friendly girl. I am eager to learn new things and I am good persistent with schoolwork since I consider myself a diligent person.
    My lifelong goal is to study Medicine. In order to achieve this ambition I studied the preparatory year in the University of Tabuk - Saudi Arabia. I finished with an excellent score (4.91 out of 5.00). It qualified me for the university's respected majors, including those in medical field. Sadly, there were restrictions on foreign students, so I was unable to select a major in them.
    Regardless, I believe the preparatory year added a lot to my knowledge, my English level improved greatly. As evidence of this, I scored 100/100 in Level 2 of the English course. I think now I’m well prepared than ever to start my undergraduate study in my desired major, and I hope this scholarship will give me that opportunity. The scholarship will also help me be more independent, gain insight from cultural differences and expand my networking.
    I know that the way to my goals is full of challenges and difficulties, but all that will urge and encourage me to continue and persevere.

  5. #5
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    Grumpy is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: Gently request to check my statement of purpose

    Quote Originally Posted by Tsuri View Post
    Here's even a smaller one (203) words not sure if it's okay, please I need a quick check -especially it's grammar- because I'll submit it today.


    I am known as a determined, open-minded, and friendly girl. I am eager to learn new things and I am good persistent with schoolwork since I consider myself a diligent person.
    My lifelong goal is to study Medicine. In order to achieve this ambition I studied the preparatory year in the University of Tabuk - Saudi Arabia. I finished with an excellent score (4.91 out of 5.00). It qualified me for the university's respected majors, including those in medical field. Sadly, there were restrictions on foreign students, so I was unable to select a major in them.
    Regardless, I believe the preparatory year added a lot to my knowledge, my English level improved greatly. As evidence of this, I scored 100/100 in Level 2 of the English course. I think now I’m well prepared than ever to start my undergraduate study in my desired major, and I hope this scholarship will give me that opportunity. The scholarship will also help me be more independent, gain insight from cultural differences and expand my networking.
    I know that the way to my goals is full of challenges and difficulties, but all that will urge and encourage me to continue and persevere.

    My lifelong goal has been to study Medicine. To achieve this, I undertook the preparatory year in the University of Tabuk, Saudi Arabia, studying Biology, Physics, Mathematics, Chemistry, English and Computer Science, all in English. My excellent score of 4.91 out of 5.00 qualified me for the university's majors, including those in the medical field, but restrictions on foreign students meant that I was unable to pursue them.
    However, I believe this preparatory year was not wasted. In particular, my English improved greatly, and I scored full marks in Level 2 of the English course. I am now better prepared than ever to start undergraduate study in medicine, and I hope this scholarship will give me that opportunity. It will also help me become more independent, gain insight from cultural differences, and expand my networking. I am a diligent, determined, open-minded and friendly individual, who is eager to learn new things. The challenges and difficulties I have already encountered on the way to reaching my goals have strengthened my resolve to persevere and to succeed.

    Well done. I have made some further amendments - moving some passages around, and deleting some superfluous words. The word count is now 175, which you may wish to use to say something about [for example] what branch of medicine you are keen on. Good luck.
    I'm not a teacher of English, but I have spoken it for (almost) all of my life....

  6. #6
    Tsuri is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Gently request to check my statement of purpose

    THANK YOU VERY MUCH, now my essay is 100 times better. I suddenly feel optimistic and I feel like I'm going to gain this scholarship, all that thanks to you
    Now I'll head to the post office to send my papers. Thanks again.

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