Re: ďIíve written a virtual short story and now I need you to help me for check it.Ē
Check your use of tenses.
Check your capitalisation of proper nouns.
Check your use of particular words ("know", "abrupt", "paged", "sedulity").
Read through your story again very carefully, concentrating on those points and edit any errors you find. There is one error in the first sentence, for example. After you edit your post, leave a new comment under this one to say that you have done it and we will look at it again.
Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.