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Thread: Essay For IELTS

  1. #1
    fangyhui is offline Newbie
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    Red face Essay For IELTS

    Hi, I am going to sit for my IELTS exam, but I'm lack of confidence in my writing skill. Can someone help me to grade or comment it? Thank you.

    Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives.

    Which viewpoint do you agree with?


    Nowadays we can see advertisements everywhere either by visual through newspaper, television and internet or by verbal through the radio. It is a form of communication to promote and tell people about a certain type of product. Consumers can easily make their choice based on the advertised product that they are looking for.

    First of all, how do people know that if there is a new product available? By advertising, consumers will know about this product and will go to purchase if they are interested in that. For example, if a new iPhone model was launched without an advertisement to announce that, people will not be aware of the new features of the smartphone and maybe they just use handphone to make call and send text message. Also from the advertisement, people will have some basic knowledge of the products and can make some comparisons with others before they can make the decision to buy.

    Furthermore, some advertisement is interesting and funny. For example, a newly launched coffee product, Ah Huat White Coffee. They used a famous singer Ah Niu to sing the theme song Ah Huat White Coffee with some funny scene played. The effect is very good which makes people easy to remember the brand and product. People enjoy to watch the advertisement and it can be considered as a type of entertainment.

    On the other hand, some people may think an advertisement is just one of the commercial strategies to influence and encourage people to buy something that actually they do not really need. They waste their money on the products because of the advertisement. Some of the products even do not have the value as what they are advertised and people feel they are cheated.

    As a conclusion, advertising do help people being aware of what is the latest development of the products and assist them in decision making when there are many choices for a same range of product. We need to read the content carefully and spend wisely.

  2. #2
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    Default Re: Essay For IELTS

    Hi,

    Welcome to the forum and good luck on your exam!

    You've got a lot of really good things in your essay, the vocabulary is very nice. I've just highlighted some of the phrases that I like.

    Quote Originally Posted by fangyhui View Post
    Hi, I am going to sit for my IELTS exam, but I'm lack of confidence in my writing skill. Can someone help me to grade or comment it? Thank you.

    Some people say that advertising encourages us to buy things that we really do not need. Others say that advertisements tell us about new products that may improve our lives.

    Which viewpoint do you agree with?


    Nowadays we can see advertisements everywhere either by visual through newspaper, television and internet or by verbal through the radio. It is a form of communication to promote and tell people about a certain type of product. Consumers can easily make their choice based on the advertised product that they are looking for.

    First of all, how do people know that if there is a new product available? By advertising, consumers will know about this product and will go to purchase if they are interested in that. For example, if a new iPhone model was launched without an advertisement to announce that, people will not be aware of the new features of the smartphone and maybe they just use handphone to make call and send text message. Also from the advertisement, people will have some basic knowledge of the products and can make some comparisons with others before they can make the decision to buy.

    Furthermore, some advertisement is interesting and funny. For example, a newly launched coffee product, Ah Huat White Coffee. They used a famous singer Ah Niu to sing the theme song Ah Huat White Coffee with some funny scene played. The effect is very good which makes people easy to remember the brand and product. People enjoy to watch the advertisement and it can be considered as a type of entertainment.

    On the other hand, some people may think an advertisement is just one of the commercial strategies to influence and encourage people to buy something that actually they do not really need. They waste their money on the products because of the advertisement. Some of the products even do not have the value as what they are advertised and people feel they are cheated.

    As a conclusion, advertising do help people being aware of what is the latest development of the products and assist them in decision making when there are many choices for a same range of product. We need to read the content carefully and spend wisely.
    You also show a good range of grammatical structures. There are many different kinds of sentences, and even if there are errors, the grammar you attempted to use was the correct choice. I don't have the time to find all of your errors right now but they are mostly minor mistakes and don't cause me too much confusion.

    The one area that you should try to improve is clearly answering the question. The paragraph about Ah Huat coffee isn't really relevant the way it is written now. Is it about people buying things they don't need? Is it about advertisements telling us about new products that improve our lives? No. So you can leave it out. Try to make little notes before you start writing so you are sure that you are focusing on the question.


    1. Introduction: paraphrase the question
    2. Advertising tells us about products
      1. iPhone
      2. another example?
    3. Advertising makes us buy things we don't need
      1. example 1
      2. example 2
    4. Conclusion: here is my opinion


    You can see from my notes that I think you need examples of advertising making us buy things we don't need. In your conclusion, you state your opinion but then you weaken it with your last sentence. A stronger conclusion would be to make the opposing point first and then finish with your own opinion: "Obviously, consumers need to research products carefully and spend their money wisely. But in conclusion, I feel that advertising helps people be aware of the latest product developments and assists them in decision making when there are many choices for in the same range."

    When is your exam?

    If you have any more questions about IELTS, you can post them here or read the strategy guide I have written on my website: Part 3: Writing | Ben Teaches English

    Good luck on exam day!

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    Default Re: Essay For IELTS

    Dear Mr. Ben,

    Really thanks for your kind comments on my essay, it's really a big encouragement for me to keep on practicing my essay writing. I just scored 6.0 for my last IELTS writing exam on 2nd Feb 2013, I have lost my confidence in my writing skill after that. I intend to sit for the exam again on April 2013, but I don't know how is my progress and which area I need to do improvement. I really appreciate your help! Thanks!

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    Default Re: Essay For IELTS

    Quote Originally Posted by fangyhui View Post
    Dear Mr. Ben,

    Really thanks for your kind comments on my essay, it's really a big encouragement for me to keep on practicing my essay writing. I just scored 6.0 for my last IELTS writing exam on 2nd Feb 2013, I have lost my confidence in my writing skill after that. I intend to sit for the exam again on April 2013, but I don't know how is my progress and which area I need to do improvement. I really appreciate your help! Thanks!
    My pleasure!

    What score are you trying to reach? What were your scores in the other areas? I think you should be confident in your writing, but divide the process into two parts. First, make the notes of WHAT you want to say; then you can concentrate on HOW you say it. I think you do fine in the HOW part of the process, just give yourself a little time to think about WHAT. :) And always give yourself 5 minutes at the end to check for errors.

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    Default Re: Essay For IELTS

    I'm trying to get at least 7.0 for my writing test. I think I need to improve my writing skill by organizing it in more systematic way. Your advice really inspires me a lot! Thanks!

    My previous score for IELTS General Training as following:
    Writing - 6.0
    Speaking - 7.0
    Listening - 7.5
    Reading - 8.0

    I will try to write more essays by using the guideline given. I think I didn't score well for my last writing exam due to the problem that I didn't plan it properly.

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    Default Re: Essay For IELTS

    Mr. Ben, I wrote another essay based on your advice, kindly comment. Thanks!
    Even though Globalization affects the world’s economics in a very positive way, its negative sides should not be forgotten. Discuss.
    We must acknowledge that globalization has given a lots ofpositive effects and influences in the world's economics. Nevertheless, there are also some negative impacts from there.

    First of all, the negative effect that we can feel and see is the cultural influence. We can see youngsters nowadays prefer to go to McD or KFC for their mean instead of having their traditional foods and drinks. Most of the young people give up their own culture and put more attention on others which they feel it is up-to-date and trendy. Secondly, globalization also has created a big competition among countries. The competition can be related to product and service cost and price or response to the target market.

    On the contrary, globalization has benefited many people in the world, especially the under-developed and third world countries. For example, Malaysia gained the car manufacturing process and technology from Mitsubishi about three decades ago. From this technology transfer, Malaysia is able to boost the economy by increasing the job opportunities and varieties of the cars. Besides this, we can have more choices with the fruits available in the market. We are able to consume local tropical fruits and also cold weather fruits such as apple and grapes at the same time. Last but not least, globalization also helps in improving the economy of under-developed countries by investment from developed countries that helps in increasing the local people incomes and work volumes.

    In conclusion, even though globalization has brought some side effects on the world's economy and culture, the advantages has outweighed the negative effects. People from the wide nation are able to taste the fruits of success in many ways.

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    Default Re: Essay For IELTS

    Quote Originally Posted by fangyhui View Post
    Mr. Ben, I wrote another essay based on your advice, kindly comment. Thanks!
    Even though Globalization affects the world’s economics in a very positive way, its negative sides should not be forgotten. Discuss.
    We must acknowledge that globalization has given a lots ofpositive effects and influences in the world's economics. Nevertheless, there are also some negative impacts from there.

    First of all, the negative effect that we can feel and see is the cultural influence. We can see youngsters nowadays prefer to go to McD or KFC for their mean instead of having their traditional foods and drinks. Most of the young people give up their own culture and put more attention on others which they feel it is up-to-date and trendy. Secondly, globalization also has created a big competition among countries. The competition can be related to product and service cost and price or response to the target market.

    On the contrary, globalization has benefited many people in the world, especially the under-developed and third world countries. For example, Malaysia gained the car manufacturing process and technology from Mitsubishi about three decades ago. From this technology transfer, Malaysia is able to boost the economy by increasing the job opportunities and varieties of the cars. Besides this, we can have more choices with the fruits available in the market. We are able to consume local tropical fruits and also cold weather fruits such as apple and grapes at the same time. Last but not least, globalization also helps in improving the economy of under-developed countries by investment from developed countries that helps in increasing the local people incomes and work volumes.

    In conclusion, even though globalization has brought some side effects on the world's economy and culture, the advantages has outweighed the negative effects. People from the wide nation are able to taste the fruits of success in many ways.
    Much better! This is a very clear and well-planned response to the question and it makes a good impression. I think the information is relevant and well-chosen and supports your conclusion well. I think you have the organisation and planning just right, in this essay.

    Now you need to practice looking over your essay again to find small little mistakes you can correct. There are a number of errors in the writing (they don't cause confusion, they're just little mistakes), which might affect your score slightly. I'm sorry but after the long weekend I don't have the time to point them out for you.

    The important skill you have gained is planning a successful IELTS response. This is something you have to get right at the beginning of your paper, you can't fix it after you are finished. Now try and write more quickly, so you can read your work over again before the time is finished.

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