Welcome to the forum and good luck on your exam! You've got some nice vocabulary in your essay, I've highlighted some phrases I like.
You have tried to use a wide range of grammar and sentence types, but I'm afraid that there are a number of grammatical errors. There are also some simpler capitalisation and punctuation errors: remember to use capital letters for cities and countries like Shanghai and China and to leave a space after a full stop (.) or a comma (,). Overall, it is good that you are showing a range of grammar (and your vocabulary is very nice too), but try and leave some time (about 5 minutes) in the exam to go back over your writing and make some corrections.
When will you take the exam?
If you have any more questions about IELTS, you can post them here or read the strategy guide I have written on my website: Part 3: Writing | Ben Teaches English
Good luck on exam day!
- For Teachers