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  1. #1
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Default Help for IELTS essay preview

    Hello everyone,
    I am living and working in Japan and right now preparing for IELTS.
    I have written down this essay i would be really thankful if you make any suggestions or comments.
    Any support is really very appreciated.

    Thanks and Regards,
    Manish

    QUESTION

    In the early 21st century, the proportion of the world’s population living in cities has increased substantially. People have grown in ever growing numbers from rural to urban areas. As migration from rural areas to cities continues it is inevitable that infrastructure in these cities will collapse.

    To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

    ANSWER

    With the beginning of 21st century, world economy has entered in to very dynamic stage. Urban cities being the center of the economy, population shift from villages to cities is on rise creating more need for the sustainable infrastructure.However,it is disagreed that infrastructure in cities will collapse. Referring to the cities of China and Australia from migration, infrastructure and economic point of view will show this.

    Firstly, fastest developing country like china is experiencing huge shift of population from villages to major cities in recent year. For example, shanghai, the capital of china has experienced massive migration from rural towns to cities.In spite of this population rise in recent years shanghai has acceptable standards of infrastructure due to government’s massive investment in infrastructure as the base of economy. Hence from this example it can be seen that even though population rises infrastructure will not collapse.

    Secondly, cities in country with high GDP rate like Australia have undergone massive population rise from migrants and immigrants. For example, cities like Sydney, Melbourne, Perth and Brisbane have been planned very well in advance considering country’s present and future needs. Hence due to such a sustainable infrastructure it is not possible to imagine that infrastructure will fall down in spite of burgeoning migration.

    In summary, viewing the infrastructure status of cities like shanghai and Sydney it is clear that infrastructure in cities will not be influenced at all from population rise. After analyzing this subject it can be predicted that urban cities if well planned and managed will be able to sustain the future.

  2. #2
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    Mr_Ben is offline Member
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    Default Re: Help for IELTS essay preview

    Hi,

    Welcome to the forum and good luck on your exam! You've got some nice vocabulary in your essay, I've highlighted some phrases I like.

    Quote Originally Posted by Manish Mirani View Post
    Hello everyone,
    I am living and working in Japan and right now preparing for IELTS.
    I have written down this essay i would be really thankful if you make any suggestions or comments.
    Any support is really very appreciated.

    Thanks and Regards,
    Manish

    QUESTION

    In the early 21st century, the proportion of the world’s population living in cities has increased substantially. People have grown in ever growing numbers from rural to urban areas. As migration from rural areas to cities continues it is inevitable that infrastructure in these cities will collapse.

    To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

    ANSWER

    With the beginning of 21st century, world economy has entered in to very dynamic stage. Urban cities being the center of the economy, population shift from villages to cities is on [the] rise creating more need for the sustainable infrastructure.However,it is disagreed that infrastructure in cities will collapse. Referring to the cities of China and Australia from migration, infrastructure and economic point of view will show this.

    Firstly, fastest developing country like china is experiencing huge shift of population from villages to major cities in recent year. For example, shanghai, the capital of china has experienced massive migration from rural towns to cities.In spite of this population rise in recent years shanghai has acceptable standards of infrastructure due to government’s massive investment in infrastructure as the base of economy. Hence from this example it can be seen that even though population rises infrastructure will not collapse.

    Secondly, cities in country with high GDP rate like Australia have undergone massive population rise from migrants and immigrants. For example, cities like Sydney, Melbourne, Perth and Brisbane have been planned very well in advance considering country’s present and future needs. Hence due to such a sustainable infrastructure it is not possible to imagine that infrastructure will fall down in spite of burgeoning migration.

    In summary, viewing the infrastructure status of cities like shanghai and Sydney it is clear that infrastructure in cities will not be influenced at all from population rise. After analyzing this subject it can be predicted that urban cities if well planned and managed will be able to sustain the future.
    You've also done a very good job of organising your essay; the paragraphs all have a clear purpose in building your argument and you use connecting phrases (in spite of, hence, for example) well. Good work! My one criticism in this area is that you might try to include an example of when population has caused infrastructure to collapse, so that you can explain why it happened and why it won't happen in the future. This technique shows that you have considered both sides of the issue.

    You have tried to use a wide range of grammar and sentence types, but I'm afraid that there are a number of grammatical errors. There are also some simpler capitalisation and punctuation errors: remember to use capital letters for cities and countries like Shanghai and China and to leave a space after a full stop (.) or a comma (,). Overall, it is good that you are showing a range of grammar (and your vocabulary is very nice too), but try and leave some time (about 5 minutes) in the exam to go back over your writing and make some corrections.

    When will you take the exam?

    If you have any more questions about IELTS, you can post them here or read the strategy guide I have written on my website: Part 3: Writing | Ben Teaches English
    Good luck on exam day!

  3. #3
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Help for IELTS essay preview

    Dear Ben,
    Thank you very much for enlightening me with your comments.
    I will certainly check out your thread and try to understand basic grammar rules.
    On other hand,is it possible for you give me a rough idea about how much score the above essay will score on IELTS band sytem?

    Thanks and Regards,
    Manish

  4. #4
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Help for IELTS essay preview

    Oh BTW, i will be taking my IELTS general training exam on 27/04/2013.
    Regards,
    Manish

  5. #5
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    Default Re: Help for IELTS essay preview

    Quote Originally Posted by Manish Mirani View Post
    Dear Ben,
    Thank you very much for enlightening me with your comments.
    I will certainly check out your thread and try to understand basic grammar rules.
    On other hand,is it possible for you give me a rough idea about how much score the above essay will score on IELTS band sytem?

    Thanks and Regards,
    Manish
    I think that this would be about a 5.5, maybe a 6. I am using the IELTS public band descriptors.

    Quote Originally Posted by Manish Mirani View Post
    Oh BTW, i will be taking my IELTS general training exam on 27/04/2013.
    Regards,
    Manish
    Cool! Remember that your overall score is an average, so also practise what you are good at (reading?) in order to get your score as high as possible.

  6. #6
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Help for IELTS essay preview

    Oh really i guess i need to work hard alot as i need atleast 7 in writing!
    Thanks

  7. #7
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    Default Re: Help for IELTS essay preview

    Quote Originally Posted by Manish Mirani View Post
    Oh really i guess i need to work hard alot as i need atleast 7 in writing!
    Thanks
    Why do you need the IELTS General? Is it for a job? Most of my students have taken the Academic exam and it's common to have a minimum writing score required for that one. I'm just curious about your situation with the general exam and a minimum writing score.

  8. #8
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Help for IELTS essay preview

    Hi ben i need it for immigration purpose with 7 bands as threshold.
    If you have any suggestion kindly enlighten.
    Thanks again

  9. #9
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Default Re: Help for IELTS essay preview

    Dear Ben,
    If you don't mind, may I please request you to check one more essay for me and evaluate the score?
    Thanks in advance
    Manish

    Some people argue that early marriage is part of traditional lifestyles in some countries and should be respected, others say it is damaging to young girls and their future.
    Describe the arguments supporting both these positions and give your opinion.


    Early marriage is a very relative term and its meaning may from differ from culture and race. Some argue from a cultural viewpoint that early marriage is ingrained in the traditional lifestyle of some countries and should be followed while on the counter side it is believed by some that it harms the psyche and hampers the career prospects of young girls.A conclusion will be drawn after analyzing both sides of this situation.

    It is argued by one bracket of people that early marriage is a custom of the traditional lifestyles of the people in the developing part of the world and should be appreciated. For instance, India, a country deeply influenced by religion, race and tradition experience the highest number of early age marriages. According to the Indian culture and tradition it is strongly believed that children should get married early and take the responsibilities of home. As a result, the son is expected to marry early so that he can fulfill financial liabilities of family while his wife can take care of household chores. Thus it is justified that why some believe that early marriages are part of tradition in some countries and should be respected.

    On the other hand,some perceive that early early age marriages could have detrimental effects on career opportunities and phase transition in woman's life.For example,in India there exists a large percentage of women who are academically unfit for work or are not allowed to work by her husbands family. This in turn inexperiences them to move ahead in career and downgrades their self-confidence and intellect.Thus, it is clear that why some argue that the future of young girls are affected by the tradition of early marriage.

    In summary,after analyzing early marriages from a traditional and cultural viewpoint and also studying its effect on the woman,In my opinion,I believe in personal wellbeing and intellect which is developed from career progression and hence the idea that early marriage are a part of tradition cannot be supported.Living in the 21st Century and dynamic global economy it is predicted that early marriages will decline and women around the world will experience more freedom and advance on a career track

  10. #10
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    Default Re: Help for IELTS essay preview

    Quote Originally Posted by Manish Mirani View Post
    Hi Ben. I need it for immigration purposes, with 7 bands as the threshold.
    If you have any suggestions, kindly enlighten me.
    Thanks again.
    As MrBen said, the standard of your essay was quite high. However, remember to use correct written English in all parts of the forum, not just when writing essays. Have a look at the amendments I have made to your latest post.

    I have also moved your thread to "Editing and Writing Topics" as it is more appropriate.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

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