Welcome to the forum! When is your test and what score do you need?
I've highlighted some vocabulary I like in blue and I've made some (not all) corrections in red. I also want to make some comments on your text, I put some green numbers in brackets (1), (2), etc. in your essay. You can read my comments below.
- This kind of statement is very common in French writing, but very foreign in English writing. Of course you are going to discuss these things, but the reader wants to know WHY you will discuss them. Something like, "This essay will examine both sides of the argument and try to determine which one is true."
- You are making good points in this paragraph, but they are a bit hidden. You say, "another advantage is that ... graduates are needed." This doesn't seem like an advantage. You explain it in the next sentence, but this interrupts the momentum of your argument. Try to list the advantages clearly (the education system will be improved), and then explain how this happens.
- This paragraph is brilliant! Do you see the difference between the two paragraphs? In this one, you make the disadvantages so clear. Great examples and great work!
Overall your communication is clear, there are just a lot of little mistakes for you to clean up (subject-verb agreement, using adverbs as adjectives, using nouns as adjectives). This is OK, because if you keep practising you will find them more easily.
There is a very good page about preparing for the Academic reading test on UsingEnglish: IELTS Academic Reading Tips for Students- Matching headings to paragraphs task - Articles - UsingEnglish.com and I have also written some tips for IELTS on my site: Part 3: Writing | Ben Teaches English.
Keep practising and good luck on your exam!
- For Teachers