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Thread: A Couple

  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default A Couple

    This is the first part of my short story A Couple. Please, would you correct my grammatical mistakes.

    They came out of the woods into a meadow, holding hands - Adam and Eve of the 21th century. They were beautiful and exuded freshness and success. They were in their late twenties and had ambitious plans for the future. The meadow was bathing in the bright spring sun, giving the couple an aureole of dreamlike beauty. She was wearing a short, white dress, which accentuated her female body. Her well-shaped legs and feet in white walking shoes moved smoothly through the wild, uncut grass. Her long, wavy, blond hair stirred in the breeze. He was a head taller than she was, dressed in a cream linen shirt and shorts of the same colour. His hairy, suntanned legs ended in black walking shoes.
    The meadow was filled with blooming wild flowers Above them the insects were buzzing, humming and flying from one flower to another. The women squatted down many a time, picked daisies, dandelions, poppies, cowslips and yarrows and gathered them into a bouquet. Occasionally he gave it to the man to hold it, while she waded through the grass searching for more flowers. Somewhere in the distance a cow was mooing, a dog barking, and a woodpecker hammering. This was the scene which every government in the world would like to show for their public. This was the moment when human beings feel united with the universe and do not yearn after God’s promised paradise now when they have created their own.

    To be continued.
    Last edited by Bassim; 19-Mar-2013 at 16:54.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: A Couple

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    This is the first part of my short story A Couple. Please, would you correct my grammatical mistakes.

    They came out of the woods into a meadow, holding hands - Adam and Eve of the 21st century. They were beautiful and exuded freshness and success. They were in their late twenties and had ambitious plans for the future. The meadow was bathing bathed in the bright spring sun, giving the couple an aureole aura/halo of dreamlike beauty. She was wearing a short, white dress, which accentuated her female body. Her well-shaped legs, and feet in white walking shoes moved smoothly through the wild, uncut grass. Her long, wavy, blond hair stirred in the breeze. He was a head taller than she was, dressed in a cream linen shirt and shorts of the same colour. His hairy (just not an attractive word or image) suntanned legs ended in black walking shoes.

    The meadow was filled with blooming wild flowers. Above them the insects were buzzing, humming and flying from one flower to another. The woman squatted down many a time, picked daisies, dandelions, poppies, cowslips and yarrows and gathered them into a bouquet. Occasionally she gave it to the man to hold it, while she waded through the grass searching for more flowers. Somewhere in the distance a cow was mooing mooed, a dog barking barked, and a woodpecker hammering hammered. This was the scene which every government in the world would like to show for their public. This was the moment when human beings feel united with the universe and do not yearn after God’s promised paradise, now when they have created their own.

    To be continued.
    I've made a few corrections in red. I must admit I was rather surprised at the end by the sudden introduction of the government into the story!
    Last edited by emsr2d2; 24-Mar-2013 at 14:56. Reason: Extra correction to "21st"
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

  3. #3
    Gillnetter is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: A Couple

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    This is the first part of my short story A Couple. Please, would you correct my grammatical mistakes.

    They came out of the woods into a meadow, holding hands - Adam and Eve of the 21th century. They were beautiful and exuded freshness and success. They were in their late twenties and had ambitious plans for the future. The meadow was bathing in the bright spring sun, giving the couple an aureole of dreamlike beauty. She was wearing a short, white dress, which accentuated her female body. Her well-shaped legs and feet in white walking shoes moved smoothly through the wild, uncut grass. Her long, wavy, blond hair stirred in the breeze. He was a head taller than she was, dressed in a cream linen shirt and shorts of the same colour. His hairy, suntanned legs ended in black walking shoes.
    The meadow was filled with blooming wild flowers Above them the insects were buzzing, humming and flying from one flower to another. The women squatted down many a time, picked daisies, dandelions, poppies, cowslips and yarrows and gathered them into a bouquet. Occasionally he gave it to the man to hold it, while she waded through the grass searching for more flowers. Somewhere in the distance a cow was mooing, a dog barking, and a woodpecker hammering. This was the scene which every government in the world would like to show for their public. This was the moment when human beings feel united with the universe and do not yearn after Godís promised paradise now when they have created their own.

    To be continued.
    In addition to the other comments I would add that "squatted down" does not fit well with the rest of the piece. "Squatted down" has some rather negative connotations. To squat is to move downward in a near sitting position. I suggest that you try "bent down", or, "Leaned down".

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