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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default A Couple, second part

    This is the second part of my short story A Couple, please would you take a look at it and correct my mistakes.

    After a while they became tired and decided to take a rest on some logs close to the abandoned cabin. Their bodies exuded sweat, the smell of which mixed with the aromas of their subtle deodorants and the scents of wild flowers. That made them even more attractive, more human.
    “I’ve to tell you something,” the man said. She looked at him with her large blue eyes, which reminded him of how infatuated with them he was from the very beginning. That happened by chance, about a year ago, while she was sitting alone at the table in a cafe, and he asked her if a chair was vacant. She looked up from the magazine she was reading and studied him. He was a well-groomed man, who always behaved like a gentleman, although he was a little bit shy, especially when he met an attractive woman. He saw her eyes, drowned into their blueness, and wished he would never come out.

    Now she was holding the bouquet in front of her face, turning it around, smelling and touching the flowers. She smiled at him, her eyes sparkling. She was used to his endearments, unexpected compliments, admissions of his love...
    “I’ve been sacked,” he said, blushing and sweating on his face. At first she did not react at his words, as if she had not heard them properly. And he repeated them again, this time watching her eyes turning into a rough sea.
    “How that happened?” she asked incredulously, staring at him and hoping that he would tell her that he was only joking. He touched his forehead wiping the sweat from his brow and ran his fingers through his short, dark hair. He explained to her that the company had a difficult time making a profit. There was a crisis everywhere. Europe was no longer as powerful as it was before, while Asia was marching like an unstoppable army, which would soon take control over the whole world. And when she inquired almost with desperation in her voice, why of all other workers it was he who had to leave, he told her that there was the rule called last come first go.
    To be continued
    Last edited by Bassim; 22-Mar-2013 at 17:33.

  2. #2
    Gillnetter is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: A Couple, second part

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    This is the second part of my short story A Couple, please would you take a look at it and correct my mistakes.

    After a while they became tired and decided to take a rest on some logs close to the abandoned cabin. Their bodies exuded sweat, the smell of which mixed with the aromas of their subtle deodorants and the scents of wild flowers. That made them even more attractive, more human.
    Ive to tell you something, the man said. She looked at him with her large blue eyes, which reminded him of how infatuated with them he was from had been since the very beginning. That happened by chance, about a year ago, while she was sitting alone at the a table in a cafe, and he asked her if a chair was vacant. She looked up from the magazine she was reading and studied him. He was a well-groomed man, ((who always behaved like a gentleman, although he was a little bit shy, especially when he met an attractive woman - This part is out of place here. She had no way of knowing these things)). He saw her eyes, drowned into their blueness, and wished he would never come out.

    Now she was holding the bouquet in front of her face, turning it around, smelling and touching the flowers. She smiled at him, her eyes sparkling. She was used to his endearments, unexpected compliments, admissions of his love...
    Ive been sacked, (sacked, like fired, usually means that someone lost a job because of something he did. I suggest that you replace "sacked" with something else, like "let do".) he said, blushing and sweating on his face. At first she did not react at his words, as if she had not heard them properly. And he repeated them again, this time watching her eyes turning into a rough sea.
    How that happened did that happen? she asked incredulously, staring at him and hoping that he would tell her that he was only joking. He touched his forehead wiping the sweat from his brow and ran his fingers through his short, dark hair. He explained to her that the company had a difficult time making a profit. There was a crisis everywhere. Europe was no longer as powerful as it was before, while Asia was marching like an unstoppable army, which would soon take control over the whole world. And when she inquired almost with desperation in her voice, why of all other workers it was he who had to leave, he told her that there was the rule called last come first go.
    To be continued
    Gil

  3. #3
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    Default Re: A Couple, second part

    Gil,
    Thank you very much for your suggestions and your help.
    I am wondering if I could use instead of "I've been sacked", a phrase like "I've been made redundant."?

  4. #4
    Gillnetter is offline Key Member
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    Default Re: A Couple, second part

    I understand that that term is used in England. Fired, sacked, made redundant, laid-off, all mean about the same. They could be used in your story if the tone was set - by this, I mean something like, "I've been fired! It's because of those damm Asians taking over the market!". In a normal conversation a person would probably say, "I've been laid-off", or, "I've been let go".

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