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  1. #1
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Post Please help to evalaute my IELTS essay.

    Dear forum members,

    I would really appreciate if you can help to evaluate a score this IELTS essay.I am having my test on 6/04 and would like to improve my weak points.
    Thanks again,
    Manish

    Some people argue that early marriage is part of traditional lifestyles in some countries and should be respected, others say it is damaging to young girls and their future.
    Describe the arguments supporting both these positions and give your opinion.


    Early marriage is a very relative term and its meaning may differ from one culture to another. Some argue from a cultural viewpoint that early marriage is ingrained in the traditional lifestyle of some countries and should be followed while on the counter side it is believed by some that it harms the psyche and hampers the career prospects of young girls. A conclusion will be drawn after analyzing both sides of this argument.

    It is argued by one bracket of people that early marriage is a custom of the traditional lifestyles of the people in the developing part of the world and should be appreciated. For instance, India, a country deeply influenced by religion, race and tradition experience the highest number of early age marriages. According to the Indian culture and tradition it is strongly believed that children should get married early and take the responsibilities of home. As a result, the son is expected to marry early so that he can fulfill financial liabilities of family while his wife can take care of household chores. Since in some countries traditional values are of prime importance, it is argued by some that early marriages should be respected.

    On the other hand, some perceive that early age marriages could have detrimental effects on career opportunities and phase transition in woman's life. For example, in India there exists a large percentage of women who are academically unfit for work or are not allowed to work by her husbandís family. This in turn restricts them to move ahead in career and downgrades their self-confidence and intellect. Thus, it is clear that why some argue that the future of young girls is affected by the tradition of early marriage.

    In summary, after analyzing early marriages from a traditional and cultural view point and also studying its effect on the woman. In my opinion, personal well being and intellect which are developed from career progression are of prime importance and hence the idea that early marriage are a part of tradition cannot be supported. Living in the 21st century and dynamic global economy it is predicted that early marriages will decline and women around the world will experience more freedom and advance on career track.

  2. #2
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Re: Please help to evalaute my IELTS essay.

    Dear forum members,
    I would be very grateful if someone can evaluate a score for this essay. I am writing my exam next week and little inconfident about my writing skills.
    Thanks in advance
    Manish

  3. #3
    konungursvia's Avatar
    konungursvia is offline Key Member
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    Re: Please help to evalaute my IELTS essay.

    I give you a six, because you're over-dressing your vocabulary incorrectly (gilding lilies) to such a degree that it decreases the clarity of your thinking. "Harming the psyche" is one example. Do you think a fourteen year old who is forced to marry a fifty year old is only experiencing harm on a mental level? Clearly there is a bodily dimension, such as violation and corporal punishment.

    You are also lacking articles, but if you are in India, it's hard to avoid, as Indian English doesn't use them much.

  4. #4
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Re: Please help to evalaute my IELTS essay.

    Dear Konungursvia,
    Thank you very much for highlighting my mistakes. I did realize that I had used vocabulary in incorrect form. I tried to write another essay and i believe that it is more simple and easy to understand.

    I will be grateful if you can evaluate the score once again as it will help me improve my weak points.

    Thanks in advance.



    Some people believe that air travel should be prohibited as it causes pollution and uses up fuel resources. Do you agree or disagree with the statement? You should use your own experience to support your argument.


    Air travel is certainly a convenient mode of transport in this modern era of globalization. However, its impact on environmental resources is always a matter of debate. I agree that air travel should be banned.This argument is supported by analyzing the effect of air travel on environmental pollution and consumption of natural resources in the following order.

    It is commonly believed that aerial mode of transport causes pollution.This is evident from the fact that vast amount of natural fuel such as petrol is combusted when the airplane is on flight.This can be illustrated from the study that in recent years the quality of air has degraded and ozone layer over the earths surface is experiencing dynamic change in its characteristics.Another example which supports this argument is that air travel generates noise beyond audible level when airplane is taking off or landing and thus generating noise pollution in the areas near by the airport.Thus,it is clear that air travel causes pollution.

    In addition, it is recognized that air travel causes serious consumption of natural fuel resources. An idea which supports this is aeroplanes have engines and need vast amounts of combustion fuel to propel its massive weight. For example, in recent years the number of airplanes purchased by developing countries have doubled and thus the demand of fuel has been always on the rise. I recollect during my recent business trip when I was traveling from Mumbai to Delhi and the airline company went on strike because of unavailability of aviation fuel.Thus,it is evident that air travel causes a faster consumption of earths fuel resources.

    In summary, after analyzing consequences of air travel on ecology I strongly agree that airplane travel should be prohibited. In the distant future, it is predicted that if air travel is not prohibited or at least regulated human life may suffer serious consequences.

  5. #5
    Esgaleth's Avatar
    Esgaleth is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Please help to evalaute my IELTS essay.

    Hi Manish,

    Good luck in the exam!

    I was simply wondering if certain repetitiveness is not going to be penalised.

  6. #6
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Re: Please help to evalaute my IELTS essay.

    Dear Esagaleth,
    Thank you very much for highlighting the repetitiveness in my essay.I will look in to it.
    Can you give me a rough estimate of the score for the above essay on IELTS band.
    I will try my best in exams as I need to score at least band 7.

    Thanks again,
    Manish

  7. #7
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    Esgaleth is offline VIP Member
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    Re: Please help to evalaute my IELTS essay.

    No, Manish, you're barking up the wrong tree here - I'm not an examiner to mark your writing.

    Just a couple of comments, if you think you could benefit from them.

    You said you wanted it band 7. How many really good essays (band 7 & upwards) have you read? Can you spot at least 10 differences between any of your essays and a good (not brilliant) C1 piece of writing? What actually makes up a seven: style, vocabulary, grammar or something else?

    I've been looking through a number of IELTS essays recently, here and elsewhere. It makes me feel for those who will have to mark that monotonous mass (they should be paid the earth for it!) Joking apart, what do you think could help your writing stand out, make it so enjoyable that they would turn a blind eye to your inevitable slips and minor errors?

    Those would be the first questions I would ask myself if I wanted to succeed. I'd also try to find a partner for peer proofreading.

  8. #8
    Manish Mirani is offline Newbie
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    Re: Please help to evalaute my IELTS essay.

    Hi Esgaleth,

    Thanks for your reply on the thread.
    I agree that i should seek professional help regarding essay writing skills.To tell you the truth,i am in a state where i have no access to English teachers.I live in Japan and its very hard to find any tutor.
    If you know someone how can provide support online you can definitely recommend me.
    Sorry to bother you on thread.

    Regards,
    Manish

  9. #9
    Esgaleth's Avatar
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    Re: Please help to evalaute my IELTS essay.

    Manish,

    It has nothing to do with bothering, believe me. Just be pragmatic - you need to skip [almost] a level in a month. It's going to be an awful lot of work, so unless you know what to do, it's unlikely you could get enough support from volunteers. On the other hand, I don't think it would be a problem to find an on-line teacher. If I got it right, you got some links in your previous thread. And mind you, Googling can also do the job.

    I do wish you luck (and hope to read new essays from you - just reading and marking are like chalk and cheese, you know )
    Last edited by Esgaleth; 25-Mar-2013 at 10:17.

  10. #10
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    Re: Please help to evalaute my IELTS essay.

    Hi Manish,

    Regarding the essay about marriage, I think konungursvia's advice is spot on. You have more than 100 words over the required amount, and while there is no penalty for this it seems in places like you are just putting in extra words to show that you know them. Try to get your sentences down to the essentials. This way, when you do use one of the many excellent expressions that you do know it will be noticed. As it is, the examiner might read a phrase that is absolutely perfect for the context but think that it was an accident based on the other "good phrases" that don't quite work but you used them anyway.

    There are a few phrases you should work on in the essay about marriage:

    Thus it is justified that why some believe that early marriages are part of tradition in some countries and should be respected.
    Thus, it is clear that why some argue that the future of young girls are affected by the tradition of early marriage.


    How can you simplify these so they are more effective?

    And this sentence in your conclusion also need some work:

    In summary,after analyzing early marriages from a traditional and cultural viewpoint and also studying its effect on the woman,In my opinion,I believe in personal wellbeing and intellect which is developed from career progression and hence the idea that early marriage are a part of tradition cannot be supported


    It's too long, there are too many clauses. How can you split it up to make it clearer?

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