Results 1 to 3 of 3
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden

    • Join Date: Mar 2008
    • Posts: 811
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #1

    A Couple, part four

    Please, would you take a look at my short story A Couple, part four and correct my mistakes.

    “What are we going to do now?” she asked, not because she was interested in his answer but rather to hide her own disappointment. He looked into her eyes, which radiated coldness he had never seen before. He remembered what his mother had told him when she saw her for the first time. “This woman isn’t for you. She is going to leave you when you need her the most. She’s in love only with money and herself...”
    “I really don’t know.” He shrugged. “We’ve to be positive. My parents are going to help us, probably yours also.” But he knew well that neither his nor her parents were wealthy enough to borrow them money. They would be forced to move to a smaller flat, completely change their way of living, and forget about dinners in restaurants and other luxuries. They sat in silence amid the earthy paradise, and started to feel like aliens. Their troubles had built an invisible wall, which prevented them to perceive the beauty of nature around them. Nature was pure harmony, while they themselves were gradually turning into a mess.
    “I feel restless,” she said and rose. He sighed in relief, but did not dare to look into her eyes. They retraced their steps through the wild grass, this time without holding hands, immersed in their own thoughts - two lonely human beings whose hearts were devoid of fondness. She had forgotten the beautiful bouquet, which he noticed, but did not dare to tell her. They were so absorbed in their broodings that they had not seen a large black snake crossing their path just before they entered the woods.

    THE END

  1. Nehushtan's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Interested in Language
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Europe

    • Join Date: Mar 2013
    • Posts: 66
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #2

    Re: “A Couple” (part four)

    Very well written. My corrections (in red) and suggestions (in blue):

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    “What are we going to do now?” she asked, not because she was interested in his answer but rather to hide her own disappointment. He looked into her eyes, which radiated a coldness he had never seen before. He remembered what his mother had told him when she saw her for the first time. “This woman isn’t for you. She is going to leave you when you need her the most. She’s in love only with money and herself...”
    “I really don’t know.” He shrugged. “We’ve got to be positive. My parents are going to help us, probably yours too.” But he knew well that neither his nor her parents were wealthy enough to lend[1] them money. They would be forced to move in to a smaller flat, completely change their way of living, and forget about dinners in restaurants and other luxuries. They sat in silence amid the earthly[2] paradise, and started to feel like aliens. Their troubles had built an invisible wall, which prevented them from perceiving[3] the beauty of nature around them. Nature was pure harmony, while they themselves were gradually turning into a mess.
    “I feel restless,” she said, and rose. He sighed in relief, but did not dare to look into her eyes. They retraced their steps through the wild grass, this time without holding hands, immersed in their own thoughts - two lonely human beings whose hearts were devoid of fondness for each other. She had forgotten the beautiful bouquet, which he noticed, but did not dare to tell her about. They were so absorbed in their broodings that they had not seen a large black snake crossing their path just before they entered the woods.
    Notes:

    1. When you borrow something, you receive it; when you lend something, you give it.

    2. “Earthy paradise” makes sense in the context of your story, but I presume you mean “earthly paradise”.

    3. You prevent someone from doing (not to do) something.

    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • Serbo-Croatian
      • Home Country:
      • Bosnia Herzegovina
      • Current Location:
      • Sweden

    • Join Date: Mar 2008
    • Posts: 811
    • Post Thanks / Like
    #3

    Re: “A Couple” (part four)

    Nehushtan,
    Welcome to the forum, and thank you very much for your suggestions and corrections of my mistakes.

Similar Threads

  1. A Couple, third part
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 24-Mar-2013, 00:04
  2. A Couple, second part
    By Bassim in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 23-Mar-2013, 01:14
  3. Christmas/ New Year learners' dictionary Part 5 (final part)
    By Alex Case in forum General Language Discussions
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 16-Dec-2010, 23:47
  4. [Grammar] "The couple hope that" or "The couple hopes that"??
    By pinbong in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 29-Oct-2010, 10:07
  5. Couple is versus couple are.
    By gjo123 in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 14-Jul-2009, 07:01

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •