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  1. #1
    Bassim is offline Senior Member
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    The President, part two

    Please, would you proofread the second part of my short story The President:

    The President goes into a dining room and greets a waiter in a dazzling white uniform. The middle-aged man greets him back and bows lightly. He then leaves the room, because it is an unwritten rule that the President likes to read papers alone. From the newspaper rack, he picks up two papers: the one which supports his own party and the other which supports the opposition. He sits down at the table beside the window and opens the opposition paper at the sport section, because he has always been interested in sports since his childhood. Actually, they promised him a great career in several sports, until he bit off an ear of his opponent during the boxing match. He was banned for life from any future sport competitions, and his boxing trainer had advised him to turn to politics where his biting abilities would be more appreciated.

    The President glances through the sport news and moves on to the front page where he can see himself tripping awkwardly on the steps of the opera house after the evening performance. He is flying though the air; his hands stretched wide, his right leg in front of him, his left leg trailing behind. His eyes and mouth are wide open - he must have been crying out in fear. The headline reads, “He is finished!” There follows an article full of malice and slander. Written by whom? A nonentity who will spend the rest of his life sitting in his cage, churning out rubbish, lies, hatred and propaganda. The President is so upset that he cannot bother to read the rest of the article. He folds the paper with exaggerated gestures and throws it in the nearby wastebasket.
    It is true that he was tipsy that evening, he had taken a glass too much and was merrier than usual but his mind was clear, as clear as a summer day, and his abilities to think and judge were not impaired as the author of the article insinuated. Feeling that this despicable hack could spoil his morning, the President opens another paper and although he sees the same photograph of him on the front page, this time the headline reads, “The Untouchable.” Immediately, he feels better, especially when the author of the article describes him as a great leader who will never buckle and will always stay firm on his strong legs despite all plots against him. The President’s heart leaps with pleasure and something warm feels his body.

    To be continued

  2. #2
    Gillnetter is offline Key Member
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    Re: The President, part two

    Quote Originally Posted by Bassim View Post
    Please, would you proofread the second part of my short story The President:

    The President goes into a dining room and greets a waiter in a dazzling white uniform. The middle-aged man greets him back and bows lightly. He then leaves the room, because it is an unwritten rule that the President likes to read ("papers" is not enough. What sort of papers? You could use - the newspapers, the morning newspapers, or, the daily newspapers.) papers alone. From the newspaper rack, he picks up two papers: the one which supports his own party and the other which supports the opposition. He sits down at the table beside the window and opens the opposition paper at to the sport section, because he has always been interested in sports since his childhood ("always" means forever. You start with always and then say that his interest has only been since his childhood. This is,of course, a small point, but I would suggest dropping "always".). Actually, they (Who are "they"?) promised him a great career in several sports, until he bit off an ear of his opponent during the a (Use "a" unless you are talking about a specific match) boxing match. He was banned for life from any future sport competitions, and his boxing trainer had advised him to turn to politics where his biting abilities would be more appreciated.

    The President glances through the sport news and moves on to the front page where he can see himself tripping awkwardly on the steps of the opera house after the evening performance. He is flying though the air; his hands stretched wide, his right leg in front of him, his left leg trailing behind. His eyes and mouth are wide open - he must have been crying out in fear. The headline reads, “He is finished!” There follows an article full of malice and slander. Written by whom? A nonentity who will spend the rest of his life sitting in his cage, churning out rubbish, lies, hatred and propaganda. The President is so upset that he cannot bother (Either - "he does not bother", or, "he does not read...") to read the rest of the article. He folds the paper with exaggerated gestures and throws it into the nearby wastebasket.
    It is true that he was tipsy that evening, he had taken a glass too much and was merrier than usual but his mind was clear, as clear as a summer day, and his abilities to think and judge were not impaired as the author of the article insinuated. Feeling that this despicable hack could spoil his morning, the President opens another paper and although he sees the same photograph of him on the front page, this time the headline reads, “The Untouchable.” Immediately, he feels better, especially when the author of the article describes him as a great leader who will never buckle and will always stay firm on his strong legs despite all plots against him. The President’s heart leaps with pleasure and something warm feels fills his body.

    To be continued
    I liked the part about what the boxing trainer had to say about changing careers. A bit of humor is always nice.

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