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  1. #1
    princesszakiya is offline Newbie
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    Default "The Fat Black Woman Goes Shopping" Text Transformation

    (Hi, would it be possible for you to mark my English work for me please, I need to know if punctuation, grammar and expression are correct or if it needs improving, also what grade I am working on and what I could do to improve it, please and thank you)

    Commentary:
    The text that I chose to transform is the poem "The Fat Black Woman Goes shopping" which I decided to transform this into a newspaper article. This poem is showing the feelings of a fat black woman whilst she is out shopping. My target audience for this poem and my newspaper article are similar. It looks as though the poem is written to send out a message, to those who treat black woman the way the poem describes. In addition, it sends a message to women who have previously been treated this way, or experienced this.

    My newspaper article is aimed towards everyone in order for them to learn from it and set an example for others to follow. It is targeted towards those who’d make a change and amend people's opinions to decrease sexism and racism. I have put together my ideas from the poem and many other incidents from personal experience. Both pieces are written to show feelings through a poem or a newspaper article. This is written to entertain and send out a message to show how people felt when they were called names stereotypically by society. The two text pieces differ, one is a poem and one is an article, one is fiction, the other is nonfiction.
    I created anonymous characters for the article. I gained my ideas from the poem, along with receiving information from women who have previously been harassed or undergone insecurity because of their colour and size. It gives us the impression that the poet has experienced something similar and has spoken words through the poem and adapted to it. In order to intensify it, I included many statistics in my newspaper article. The statistics shows opinions of people who have experienced being harassed, because of size and colour and they cannot find suitable clothing. Their masters deride them if they did not follow an order and have to make do with tattered clothes.
    The relationship with the reader turns out to be tight and emotional. This is because it becomes easy to understand a person’s grief through poems and articles. This shows that no man is robust and no one will corroborate with them. The two pieces differ, firstly the way the woman speaks in the poem is describing her feelings and thoughts; in contrast to this the newspaper article is more factual. By showing a stereotype towards woman in the newspaper it may create a sense of grief with the readers. In the poem, the poet is using sarcastic comments to send out a message. This shows how difficult it is for her, as she is trying to find clothes suitable for her in size in an awful weather. This portrays a sense of grief when the readers realise that London does not sell clothes of her size. Sales girls are making fun of her. I used this idea in my transformation as it gave me a chance to show the life of a woman who is isolated from society.
    Language is colloquial in the poem and very formal. The way "the" has been spelt is "de", emphasizes the idea that the way her accent is and the way she speaks is to show her true identity. The fact that she is going from store to store fits in well to journeying. It shows that shopping for her is a journey, and her journey is not of enjoyment because of lack of clothing and the terrible weather. Her clothes may not be suitable and could be out dated and is leading her journey into a disaster.
    This poem has words ending in "ing" which can be a sign of prejudice. She is keeping a happy face so no one can get to know what she is experiencing. I used this because I thought it fits in well with the idea of women taking steroids. I wanted the readers to know and understand what people use to do to fit in with society. Additionally not realising the harm it could cause later for them. Techniques which have been used by the poet are rhyme and use of short sentences. These techniques show a moody and unpleasant surrounding, a disagreeable remark which causes the woman in the poem to curse in Swahili.
    The sentence "lord is aggravating" shows that she is not dependant on god. She believes that god is the one who has caused society to go against her colour and size. This poem may send out a message to those women who are fat and black. They should be proud as it might be something which people look up to and she could be a sign of black women in London. The fact that she has gone out to do shopping on a terrible day, even though she is isolated from society, shows confidence. She calls it a journey which resembles the fact that she has been discriminated several times, and that a horrific journey one day will end.

  2. #2
    emsr2d2's Avatar
    emsr2d2 is offline Moderator
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    Default Re: "The Fat Black Woman Goes Shopping" Text Transformation

    The same applies to this thread as the other one you posted. We cannot help with homework assignments or with any work which is going to be submitted and graded. Do the best you can and then come back to us after you find out your grade and if you don't understand where you went wrong.

    For now, I have closed the thread as it is homework.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

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