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  1. #1
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    Nov 2005
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    Post suggestions for improvement short story

    Below is a short story (personal story) that I have wrote. Any suggestions on improvement wether they are grammar errors, exploring a certain idea in more detail, or even a better title will be mostly aprreciated. Thank you.



    MIDNIGHT FALL

    It was any ordinary Friday night – the crickets’ humming filled the dull grey summer sky with flocks of sparrows impatiently flying towards their nests. However, something happened which shifted this day out of the ordinary. Something so fast and tragic that made it indescribable at first. Something till this day changed me and the way I interpret life and possibly forever…

    I was watching the ‘Simpsons’ when suddenly the phone rang. Once. Twice. Three times. Being lazy as I am, I never bothered answering the phone so my mother ran@ out of the bathroom and picked it up. As I overheard my mother’s short replies, it was immediately obvious that something terrible had happened. But what on Earth can it be at this time of the night? One after another, questions piled up until my brain’s capacity could no more cope with it.

    “What happened mum? I asked her as she hung up the phone.

    Silence.

    “Mum. What’s wrong?”

    “We’re going to see grandpa” the words tumbled out from the tip of her tongue as if there were no energy left.

    Grandpa? What could possibly happen to grandpa? At that very instant I arrived to the conclusion that he’d fallen somewhere on the streets, considering how much he loved going to the city. Indeed he had fallen, however it wasn’t on the streets but in the bathroom. As we drove to the Sunshine Hospital, I imagined the scene in my head. Grandpa slowly stepping out of the shower. His feet still wet came to contact with the tiled flooring. Slipped. Legs outstretched flung in mid-air, body heading in a critical angle, spine heading down first on the hard ground and ‘BANG’ on impact! And what a painful and life-threatening impact it must be considering he is ninety or so. I rewind the scene backwards and forwards like a tape recorder set on ‘repeat scene’. Analysing and scrutinising every aspect and outcome possible; worst – death, paralysation…tears slowly gathering into droplets and steadily dripping down my nose and onto my lips.

    I can still picture the first memorable moment my grandpa and I had together. I had just arrived to Australia, being six or so and grandpa wanted to show me the city life. He would always praise me for my strong legs and keen ambition as we spent endless hours exploring the skyscrapers. However, it wasn’t because I adore the city life, it was my grandpa. I wanted to go everywhere he went, always close by his side.

    I was soon dragged out of fantasy and into reality as the red and blue light blinded me. Parking at the emergency lot it was time for my mother and I to support grandpa in his time of need. As the doctor revealed his condition I drowned in a vast sea of mixed emotions. Showing us the X-ray placed in front of the fluorescent light he explained.

    “He had fractured his lower spine and…”

    I started to feel weak and helpless. My shoulders slumped forward and neck drawn down. Whilst waiting for him to finish his sentence, my hairs stood on end. I took a deep breath, gathering as much air as possible and pressurising myself together.

    “…currently he can not walk. He would need at least six weeks in intensive rest care and gradually he will be able to walk again. There is nothing to worry about.”

    I exhaled out the longest breath in my life, along with the awful outcomes I’d imagined. The thought of losing my grandpa made me realise how fortunate and lucky I am to be here till this day. From then onwards I have learnt to respect and appreciate my life and the people around me. Although things might seem bad, be happy with what you got because thing can definitely be worse.

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: suggestions for improvement short story

    the crickets’ humming filled the dull grey summer sky with flocks of sparrows- punctuation? The crickets didn't launch the pigeons.
    Something till this day changed me and the way I interpret life and possibly forever- too many time phrases IMO, or in the wrong position
    Being lazy as I am, I never- who else could be lazy in this sentence?
    But what on Earth can it be- tense
    could no more cope with it- word order
    impact it must be considering he is ninety- punctuation
    I had just arrived to Australia, being six- preposition and punctuation
    As the doctor revealed his condition I drowned in- punctuation
    with what you got because- word missing

  3. #3
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    Default Re: suggestions for improvement short story

    I don't understand what you stated above... can you please explain in a more specific and simpler way? Or perhaps the best way is to correct it so I can see rather than tell me what I did incorrect b/c I don't understand a word above.
    Thank you.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
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    Default Re: suggestions for improvement short story

    Quote Originally Posted by student2005
    Below is a short story (personal story) that I have wrote. Any suggestions on improvement wether they are grammar errors, exploring a certain idea in more detail, or even a better title will be mostly aprreciated. Thank you.



    MIDNIGHT FALL

    It was any ordinary Friday night – the crickets’ humming filled the dull grey summer sky with flocks of sparrows impatiently flying towards their nests. However, something happened which shifted this day out of the ordinary. Something so fast and tragic that made it indescribable at first. Something till this day changed me and the way I interpret life and possibly forever…

    I was watching the ‘Simpsons’ when suddenly the phone rang. Once. Twice. Three times. Being lazy as I am, I never bothered answering the phone so my mother ran@ out of the bathroom and picked it up. As I overheard my mother’s short replies, it was immediately obvious that something terrible had happened. But what on Earth can it be at this time of the night? One after another, questions piled up until my brain’s capacity could no more cope with it.

    “What happened mum? I asked her as she hung up the phone.

    Silence.

    “Mum. What’s wrong?”

    “We’re going to see grandpa” the words tumbled out from the tip of her tongue as if there were no energy left.

    Grandpa? What could possibly happen to grandpa? At that very instant I arrived to the conclusion that he’d fallen somewhere on the streets, considering how much he loved going to the city. Indeed he had fallen, however it wasn’t on the streets but in the bathroom. As we drove to the Sunshine Hospital, I imagined the scene in my head. Grandpa slowly stepping out of the shower. His feet still wet came to contact with the tiled flooring. Slipped. Legs outstretched flung in mid-air, body heading in a critical angle, spine heading down first on the hard ground and ‘BANG’ on impact! And what a painful and life-threatening impact it must be considering he is ninety or so. I rewind the scene backwards and forwards like a tape recorder set on ‘repeat scene’. Analysing and scrutinising every aspect and outcome possible; worst – death, paralysation…tears slowly gathering into droplets and steadily dripping down my nose and onto my lips.

    I can still picture the first memorable moment my grandpa and I had together. I had just arrived to Australia, being six or so and grandpa wanted to show me the city life. He would always praise me for my strong legs and keen ambition as we spent endless hours exploring the skyscrapers. However, it wasn’t because I adore the city life, it was my grandpa. I wanted to go everywhere he went, always close by his side.

    I was soon dragged out of fantasy and into reality as the red and blue light blinded me. Parking at the emergency lot it was time for my mother and I to support grandpa in his time of need. As the doctor revealed his condition I drowned in a vast sea of mixed emotions. Showing us the X-ray placed in front of the fluorescent light he explained.

    “He had fractured his lower spine and…”

    I started to feel weak and helpless. My shoulders slumped forward and neck drawn down. Whilst waiting for him to finish his sentence, my hairs stood on end. I took a deep breath, gathering as much air as possible and pressurising myself together.

    “…currently he can not walk. He would need at least six weeks in intensive rest care and gradually he will be able to walk again. There is nothing to worry about.”

    I exhaled out the longest breath in my life, along with the awful outcomes I’d imagined. The thought of losing my grandpa made me realise how fortunate and lucky I am to be here till this day. From then onwards I have learnt to respect and appreciate my life and the people around me. Although things might seem bad, be happy with what you got because thing can definitely be worse.
    For me, this is a good story, not in the grammar I can jugde but the way you express your feelings! I can feel the real thing coming out from your words!!Really good written, I think.

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
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    Default Re: suggestions for improvement short story

    Here, I edited it for you. One question, though; is the name of the place really Sunshine Hospital?

    MIDNIGHT FALL

    It was any ordinary Friday night – the crickets’ humming filled the dull grey summer sky, and flocks of sparrows flew impatiently towards their nests. However, something happened which shifted this night out of the ordinary. Something so fast and tragic that made it indescribable at first. Something this night forever changed me and the way I interpret life.

    I was watching the ‘Simpsons’ when suddenly the phone rang. Once. Twice. Three times. Being lazy, I never bothered to answer the phone, so my mother ran out of the bathroom and picked it up. As I overheard my mother’s short replies, it was immediately obvious that something terrible had happened. But what on Earth could it be at this time of the night? One after another, questions piled up until my brain’s capacity could no longer cope with it.

    “What happened, mum?" I asked her as she hung up the phone.

    Silence.

    “Mum? What’s wrong?”

    “We’re going to see Grandpa,” the words tumbled out from the tip of her tongue as if there were no energy left.

    Grandpa? What could possibly happen to Grandpa? At that very instant I arrived to the conclusion that he’d fallen down somewhere on the streets, considering how much he loved going to the city. Indeed he had fallen, however it wasn’t on the streets, but in his bathroom. As we drove to the Sunshine Hospital, I imagined the scene in my head; Grandpa slowly stepping out of the shower, his feet, still wet, coming in contact with the tiled flooring. He slipped. Legs outstretched flung in mid-air, body heading in a critical angle, spine heading down first on the hard ground and ‘BANG’ on impact! And what a painful and life-threatening impact it must have been, considering he is ninety or so. I rewind the scene backwards and forwards like a tape recorder set on ‘repeat scene’. Analysing and scrutinising every aspect and outcome possible; the worst – death, paralysation; tears slowly gathered into droplets and steadily dripped down my nose and onto my lips.

    I can still picture the first memorable moment my grandpa and I had together. I had just arrived in Australia, being six or so, and Grandpa wanted to show me the city life. He would always praise me for my strong legs and keen ambition as we spent endless hours exploring the skyscrapers. However, it wasn’t because I adore the city life, it was my grandpa. I wanted to go everywhere he went, always close by his side.

    I was soon dragged out of rememberance and into reality as red and blue light of the emergancy parking lot blinded me. It was time for my mother and I to support Grandpa in his time of need. As the doctor revealed his condition, I drowned in a vast sea of mixed emotions. Showing us the X-ray placed in front of the fluorescent light, he explained:

    “He fractured his lower spine and . . .”

    I started to feel weak and helpless. My shoulders slumped forward and head drooped down. Whilst waiting for him to finish his sentence, my hair stood on end. I took a deep breath, gathering as much air as possible and gathered myself together.

    “ . . . currently he can not walk. He will need at least six weeks in intensive care, but gradually he will be able to walk again. There is nothing to worry about.”

    I exhaled the longest breath in my life, along with the awful outcomes I’d imagined. The thought of losing my grandpa made me realise how fortunate and lucky I am to be here. From then onwards I have learnt to respect and appreciate my life and the people around me. Although things might seem bad, be happy with what you have, because things could definitely be worse.

  6. #6
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Philippines
    Join Date
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    Posts
    41,588
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: suggestions for improvement short story

    Quote Originally Posted by ly_khanh23
    For me, this is a good story, not in the grammar I can jugde but the way you express your feelings! I can feel the real thing coming out from your words!!Really good written, I think.
    And when the feelings come through like that, I'd agree that it's good writing.

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