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    #1

    Lightbulb Could anybody check my essay please?

    I'm about to take the TOELF test next month and I need to get better on writing so I'm writing lost of essays. I'll be really grateful if somebody will check my essay (grammatical errors, spell check ect..)

    Thanks advance.

    People have various ways of relieving stress. What are some of the ways that you find most effective in relieving stress? Give reason and example to support your response


    Nowadays, lots of people are stressed by various things such as school, family and work. Anyone has his own ways to relieving stress. We are able to divide this methods into two categories: the healthy ways and the unhealthy ways. The healthy ways are, for instance, running and listening to the music. Instead, the unhealthy ways are smoking cigarettes or do extreme sports. In my opinion the healthy ways are better than unhealthy one, lots of people prefer the unhealthy, however.

    Running is one of the best ways to relieving stress. After a work day, you can put your running shoes on and you just star running. You may listen to the music while you’re running. I do love listen to the music when I’m running: indeed I forget everything and I’m like in a parallel world without problems. Another healthy way could also be listening to the music at home. It can help you to isolate yourself for a while and to relax. Furthermore there are a quantity of songs created by psychologists and doctors which would help you to relax. In my opinion I rather listen to my music (my band and my pop singer) but some people rather listen to this special music.

    Nonetheless, there are people who smoke cigarettes to relax. It’s a way to relieving stress as well, but it’s really unhealthy. Anyway there are lots of smoker because it’s proved cigarette can help you to relax: when you smoke, nicotine goes rapidly to the brain and, as a result, you get pleasure and it relaxes you.

    In conclusion there are lots of ways which make people relaxed. Personally I used to smoke cigarettes but I quitted. Now I run. I love run and I do run everyday. Running help me to relieving stress. The first days you do this it can be really hard, even if you’re not a smoker. Nevertheless, if you do it everyday, your body will get used and you will relieve stress rapidly. Running is a healthy way and it really work, so that’s why I think running is the best way to relieving stress.
    Last edited by Edo Walhalla; 02-May-2013 at 00:08. Reason: nothing

  1. shur2gal's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Could anybody check my essay please?

    Paragraph One

    Second Sentence:
    "Everyone" over "Anyone".
    Third Sentence: Strikes me as odd since "this" implies that you are referring to a previously mentioned method, but you only stated that people have ways to relieve stress, not any actual methods. Also, "these" over "this" would have to be used since "methods" implies it's plural. Anyway, change it to "We are able to divide common stress relieving methods into two categories: the healthy ways and the unhealthy ways (although, I would prefer the "right" way and the "wrong" way, but those changes would be personal).
    Fourth Sentence: Just sounds overall odd to me. Maybe change "running and listening" to "running while listening," to make it flow better. Also, "the" is unnecessary before "music".
    Fifth Sentence: "Instead" is a weird transition here. I would use "Meanwhile" instead, since you are comparing unhealthy ways and healthy ways. Also, "are" strikes me as unnatural, try "consists of," and change "do" before "extreme sports".

    Paragraph Two
    Sentence Two: "Start" over "star"!
    Sentence Three: Nice attempt, but "I do love listen to the music" is unnatural. Try, "I love listening to music while I'm running." Please refrain from using "the" before "music," as it is unnecessary (usually). The colon and "indeed" are weird. Make it a new sentence.
    *New* Sentence Four: Take out "Indeed," as "I forget" can now stand alone. "Problems" is weird, try "worries."
    Sentence Five: Can over Could.

    For "Furthermore," "In my opinion," and "Anyway" (next paragraph), needs a comma afterwards. In the next paragraph, replace the colon with a period and capitalize the W in "when" afterward.

    "In conclusion" needs a comma afterward in the final paragraph, as well as "personally". Change "The first days" to "The first day."

    I hope I helped and that you understand :)

  2. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Could anybody check my essay please?

    Quote Originally Posted by Edo Walhalla View Post
    I'm about going to take the TOELF test next month and I need to get better on at writing so I'm writing lost lots of essays. I'll I would be really grateful if somebody will would check my essay (grammatical errors, spell check ect etc).

    Thanks in advance.
    Shur2gal has made some suggestions about your essay. Please also see my amendments to your introductory part.

    You can either say "I'm about to take the test" or "I'm going to take the test next month", but don't combine "I'm about to" with "next month".
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

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    #4

    Re: Could anybody check my essay please?

    Thank you so much. Yes, I've just seen the correction you made. I'm italian so I put articles everywhere (Despite I know it's wrong). Thanks to correct my introduction as well. I'm writing a lot and I'm trying to stay into the allowed (30 minutes) and I've never time to read what I've written and, often, I make spell errors. By the way, acording to you, do you think it's a good essay (the hightest mark it's 30..I need at least 25) or do you think I should study grammar more?

  3. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Could anybody check my essay please?

    Quote Originally Posted by Edo Walhalla View Post
    Thank you so much. Yes, I've just seen the corrections you made. I'm Italian so I put articles everywhere (despite the fact (or "even though") I know it's wrong). Thanks to for correcting my introduction as well. I'm writing a lot and I'm trying to stay into within the time allowed (30 minutes), and I've never time to read what I've written and (no comma required) often I often make spelling errors. By the way, acording to you, do you think it's a good essay (the hightest highest mark it's is 30 and I need at least 25) or do you think I should study grammar more?
    I've never taught for the TOEFL (note the order of letters, you said "TOELF" in your first paragraph) so I'm not experienced in the marking system. However, I always say that you cannot be over-prepared for a test so keep studying. Look at the errors you have made and concentrate on where you are going wrong with them. Regarding the spelling errors, you just need to be more careful. It's easier to take care with your spelling when you first write the word than to go back through your piece several times trying to spot the errors and correct them.
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

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    #6

    Re: Could anybody check my essay please?

    I've just done another essay. Could you please check it as well?

    Thanks in advance

    Some people prefer to take a position in a company and work for the company. Other people think it's better to go into business for themselves. Which do you think it's better? Give reasons and examples to support your response.

    I think it's better to take a position in a company and work for a company. Lots of people prefer to start their own business but I would prefer to worl for a company.

    First of all when you start a company and you're the owner you need to care about everything. You need to make sure everything's fine and it can be really stressful. You need to be sure everything works properly and you need to take a lot of decisions. If something goes bad, it's your responsability. Of course you have responsability even if you do not own the company, but that's different. I'll help myself with a short example. Jonh is an accountant and he works for a company. One day he does a work wrong and the company loses lots of money. Suddenly he gets fired but the company still exist: other people still work for the company. Now we think about Jonh as company's owner. He does a work wrong and the company fails. Lots of people lose their job. In the second example Jonh has also other people's responsability and he needs to care about other people too.

    Moreover when you work for an important and big company you lose your self-identity and you become a company worker. For instance, if you work for "Coca Cola", you would surely be seen not just "an accountant" but "Coca Cola's accountant" and that's much better. You represent your company and if your company is great and well known you would probably be seen as a great person. I know that sounds weird but if you are in a cafe and you see "Coca Cola's CEO" you'll be fashinated and when you go home you surely say "today I met "Coca Cola's CEO" just because it's an important person working for an importan company.

    In conclusion I really prefer to take a position in a company and work for the company. You have less reponsability and, as a result, less stress. If you work for a great company you would be seen as a great person. These are the main reason for why I'd like to work in a company insted of run my own business.

  4. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #7

    Re: Could anybody check my essay please?

    Quote Originally Posted by Edo Walhalla View Post
    I've just done another essay. Could you please check it as well?

    Thanks in advance

    Some people prefer to take a position in a company and work for the company. Other people think it's better to go into business for themselves. Which do you think it's better? Give reasons and examples to support your response.
    Were you given this as an essay title by someone or did you make it up yourself?
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

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    #8

    Re: Could anybody check my essay please?

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    Were you given this as an essay title by someone or did you make it up yourself?
    I took it from the book I'm studying on.
    It's called "preparation course for the toefl test" and it's written by Deborah Phillips..

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    #9

    Re: Could anybody check my essay please?

    I'll appreciate if someone could check it

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    #10

    Re: Could anybody check my essay please?

    Quote Originally Posted by Edo Walhalla View Post
    I've just done another essay. Could you please check it as well?

    Thanks in advance

    Some people prefer to take a position in a company and work for the company. Other people think it's better to go into business for themselves. Which do you think it's better? Give reasons and examples to support your response.

    I think it's better to take a position in a company and work for a company. Lots of people prefer to start their own business but I would prefer to worl work for a company.

    First of all, when you start a company and you're the owner you need to care about everything. You need to make sure everything's fine and it can be really stressful. You need to be sure everything works properly and you need to take make a lot of decisions. If something goes bad, it's your responsability. Of course you have responsability responsibility even if you do not own the company, but that's different. I'll help myself with Here is a short example. Jonh John is an accountant and he works for a company. One day he does a work something wrong and the company loses lots of money. Suddenly, he gets fired but the company still exists: other people still work for the company. Now we think about Jonh John as the company's owner. He does a work something wrong and the company fails. Lots of people lose their job. In the second example Jonh John has also has other people's responsability responsibility for other people and he needs to care about other people too.

    Moreover, when you work for a an important and big and important company, you lose your self-identity and you become a company worker. For instance, if you work for "Coca Cola", you would surely be seen not just as "an accountant" but "Coca Cola's accountant" and that's much better. You represent your company and if your company is great and well known you would probably be seen as a great person. I know that sounds weird but if you are in a cafe and you see "Coca Cola's CEO" you'll be fashinated fascinated and when you go home you will surely say, "today I met "Coca Cola's CEO" just because it's he's an important person working for an importan important company.

    In conclusion, I really prefer to take a position in a company and work for the company. You have less reponsability responsibility and, as a result, less stress. If you work for a great company you would be seen as a great person. These are the main reason for why I'd like to work in a company insted instead of running my own business.
    You should check the spelling of every word.

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