Results 1 to 8 of 8
  1. #1
    HanibalII is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    470
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Need some input on a short story

    Ok, so last year I had an assignment to write a short story (2000 words) and after finally getting back the actual paper and making some changes, I've decided to expand the story.

    How it was originally written was like a chapter out of a book. No description as to how the characters got to where they were.

    Now I'm trying to expand it with character development, as well as events and a further cause as to what happened in the original piece.

    I'd appreciate it if somebody would be willing to help me go through it on a 'creative level'.

    Excerpt from the new piece:

    "She looked so out of character wearing a bright yellow sundress, with her auburn hair hanging down over her shoulders and big hoop earrings barely visible. And in heels no less. But her look still mesmerised me. She turned her head as I was starring at her, and it felt as though her radiant smile lightened the room."

    I'm trying to convey that feeling, along with other 'heart felt' moments through the new 'introduction'.

    I'm open to any suggestions.

    I don't have a lot of time to work on it lately, due to uni working taking precedence, but I'm happy to email/skype etc or chat on the forums mail service.

    If you'd like to read the original piece, feel free to message me.


    Cheers

    Simon


    PS, sorry if this is in the wrong section.
    I'm not a teacher yet, but I am studying a Bachelor of Education with an English Literature major at Charles Sturt University, in NSW, Australia.

  2. #2
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Retired English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Czech Republic
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    28,168
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Need some input on a short story

    No problems with the section.

    We recommend that people don't give out their personal contact information. There are some strange people around, even in a demure forum such as this.

  3. #3
    HanibalII is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    470
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Need some input on a short story

    Quote Originally Posted by 5jj View Post
    No problems with the section.

    We recommend that people don't give out their personal contact information. There are some strange people around, even in a demure forum such as this.

    Whatever a member prefers. Doesn't bother me.

    Don't suppose you'd be willing? lol
    I'm not a teacher yet, but I am studying a Bachelor of Education with an English Literature major at Charles Sturt University, in NSW, Australia.

  4. #4
    5jj's Avatar
    5jj is offline VIP Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Retired English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Czech Republic
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    Posts
    28,168
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Need some input on a short story

    Quote Originally Posted by HanibalII View Post
    Don't suppose you'd be willing?
    I'm afaid not. I know something about grammar and phonology, but editing, proofreading and literary criticism are not my strong points.

  5. #5
    HanibalII is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    470
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Need some input on a short story

    Quote Originally Posted by 5jj View Post
    I'm afaid not. I know something about grammar and phonology, but editing, proofreading and literary criticism are not my strong points.

    Ok, no problem. Worth asking.
    I'm not a teacher yet, but I am studying a Bachelor of Education with an English Literature major at Charles Sturt University, in NSW, Australia.

  6. #6
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Philippines
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Posts
    43,135
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Need some input on a short story

    And in heels no less.
    Wearing heels doesn't strike me as worth such attention unless the character normally wore flat shoes.

  7. #7
    HanibalII is offline Member
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • Student or Learner
      • Native Language:
      • English
      • Home Country:
      • Australia
      • Current Location:
      • Australia
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    470
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Need some input on a short story

    Quote Originally Posted by Tdol View Post
    Wearing heels doesn't strike me as worth such attention unless the character normally wore flat shoes.
    The character normally wears boots. She's a very farm type girl, IE ripped jeans/flanny/work boots.

    It's out of character for her to be so feminine.
    I'm not a teacher yet, but I am studying a Bachelor of Education with an English Literature major at Charles Sturt University, in NSW, Australia.

  8. #8
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
    • Member Info
      • Member Type:
      • English Teacher
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • UK
      • Current Location:
      • Philippines
    Join Date
    Nov 2002
    Posts
    43,135
    Post Thanks / Like

    Default Re: Need some input on a short story

    Okey dokey.

Similar Threads

  1. [Essay] Spooky Halloween Story - short story
    By Arbe in forum Editing & Writing Topics
    Replies: 2
    Last Post: 01-Nov-2011, 17:45
  2. [General] short story
    By the sad moon in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 11-Oct-2010, 21:51
  3. short story
    By kohyoongliat in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 27-Mar-2007, 10:31
  4. Short story.
    By Ibn Batota in forum Ask a Teacher
    Replies: 5
    Last Post: 24-Jun-2004, 22:22

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •