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    #1

    Please Correct my essay and give a band score in IELTS general

    Write about the following topic:
    The increase in mobile phone use in recent years has transformed the way we live, communicate and do business. Mobile phones can also be the cause of social or medical problems. What forms do these problems take?
    Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of mobile phones?

    Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
    ============================================


    There is a predominant impact of mobile phone usage on human's today. Throughout the global mobile phones are widely used by everyone. We have advantages and disadvantage about the usage of mobile in terms of health and social life. In this easy will see how advantages are on top of disadvantages.

    Mobile phones are playing a vital role in transforming the human life into luxurious way. Before 19's there were hardly few mobiles phones, however rarely used only by the business magnet for business communication. Moreover in olden days communication system was very slow, it would have taken months to send a message to your relatives or friends. Consequently, the system is replaced by fastest mode of communication that is mobile phones; it has eased the way of communication. Here, you can directly speak to the concerned person and even can sent a message at the earliest. Furthermore, it had opened the boundaries of a country to make business very easier way. Now you can directly communicate with business users to get the detailed description of requirements for your business to get succeed. In addition to this mobile phones are simply known as 'ALL IN ONE', where you can listen to the music, watch movies , capture happy feetís, and moreover, you can use it for mobile banking. For instance, we can transfer money to other accounts, recharge mobile phones, pay electricity bills, and so forth.

    On other hand to advantages, there are many disadvantages which are directly influencing the human lives. If we consider in terms of medical problems, it causes diseases brain tumour, cardiac stokes which reduces human life span. For example, if a person is constantly speaking on phone for hours, it may damage his tiny nerves which are very near to the ears and make him fall sick causing to the brain tumour. Additionally, if you are carrying phone in pant's lower packet which is where close to the male organ causes importunacy. Coming to the social problems, there is no restrictions to captures photos through mobile phone cameras and edit them to the worst and publish them in social networking sites. So these sort of problems are getting more now a days, as technology is advancing along with that vulgarity is also moving parallel with it causing social problems to the women throughout the world.

    In conclusion, i would i like to state as advantages are more compare to disadvantages. However, it is in the hands of individuals to use the latest technologies in the proper manner. There are lots of significant thing that can be performed using the Morden technologies which eases human lives and make lifeís very much comfortable .

  1. emsr2d2's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: Please Correct my essay and give a band score in IELTS general

    Welcome to the forum.

    Is this the essay you are going to submit for your IELTS?
    Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.

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    #3

    Re: Please Correct my essay and give a band score in IELTS general

    There is a predominant impact of mobile phone usage on humans today. Throughout the global (global is an adjective, you should have written 'throughout the globe' or 'throughout the world') mobile phones are widely used (if we talk about everyone, someone, etc. in passive voice, it is better to omit the agent) . We have advantages and disadvantages of the usage of mobile phones in terms of health and social life. In this easy I will see how advantages are on top of disadvantages.

    Mobile phones are playing a vital role in transforming the human life into a luxurious way. Before 1900s there were hardly few mobiles phones, however rarely used only by the business magnet for business communication. Moreover in olden days communication system was very slow, it would have taken months to send a message to your relatives or friends. Consequently, the system is replaced by the fastest mode of communication that is mobile phones; it has eased the way of communication. Here, you can directly speak to the concerned person and even can send a message at the earliest. Furthermore, it had opened the boundaries of a country to make business easier. Now you can directly communicate with business users to get the detailed description of requirements for your business to succeed. In addition to this mobile phones are simply known as 'ALL IN ONE', where you can listen to music, watch movies , capture happy feet’s, and moreover, you can use it for mobile banking. For instance, we can transfer money to other accounts, recharge mobile phones, pay electricity bills, and so forth.

    On the other hand to advantages, there are many disadvantages which are directly influencing the human lives. If we consider in terms of medical problems, it causes diseases such as brain tumour, cardiac stokes which reduces human life span. For example, if a person is constantly speaking on the phone for hours, it may damage his tiny nerves which are very near to the ears and make him fall sick causing brain tumour. Additionally, if you are carrying phone in the lower pocket of the pants, which is close to the male organ, it causes importunacy. Coming to the social problems, there is no restrictions to capture photos through mobile phone cameras and edit them to the worst and publish them in social networking sites. So these sort of problems are getting more nowadays, as technology is advancing along with that vulgarity is also moving parallel with it causing social problems to the women throughout the world.

    In conclusion, I would i like to state as advantages are more compare to disadvantages. However, it is in the hands of individuals to use the latest technologies in the proper manner. There are lots of significant things that can be performed using the modern technologies which eases human lives and makes them very comfortable .


    I don't know much about IELTS band scores but I corrected the mistakes I found.

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    #4

    Re: Please Correct my essay and give a band score in IELTS general

    Quote Originally Posted by emsr2d2 View Post
    Welcome to the forum.

    Is this the essay you are going to submit for your IELTS?


    No, it is just for practice. What you feel about it?

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    #5

    Re: Please Correct my essay and give a band score in IELTS general

    Your vocabulary is good but you are doing some mistakes in grammar
    I would like to give you 6.5
    if you enhance your grammar skills you can score 7

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