Welcome to the forum.
You have not asked a question about your piece but I have assumed that you want some comments on it. I have moved it to the Editing and Writing Topics section which is more appropriate.
My first pieces of advice are that you follow these rules of written English:
- Only capitalise proper nouns, not common nouns.
- Put a space after every comma, full stop, question mark and exclamation mark.
- Do not put a space before a comma, full stop, question mark or exclamation mark.
- Check the spelling of every word in a dictionary before you post.
You can make changes to your post by clicking "Edit Post", making changes, and then clicking "Save".
Remember - correct capitalisation, punctuation and spacing make posts much easier to read.