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  1. #1
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    Default Need help with my sister's piece of writing

    My sister's written the following piece of writing. I don't know what it's called in English. I know that this kind of writing is generally written when you want to study abroad and need to send the unirversity you're going to a piece of writing, in which you make an attempt to convince the 'examiners' to take you to their unirversity. My sister thinks that she's given enough reasons why the School needs to take her. She asked me to post her piece of writing somewhere on the Web, so native English speakers could correct it. I have also looked through it and found that there were some sentences/phrases which I'd put in a different way. So, here's the piece produced by my sister.
    Thanks for your attention and correction!

    Economics which I have chosen to be closely connected with my future profession is a very interesting subject and is really valuable nowadays especially because some parts of economic science are used not only by economists but in day-to-day life of everyone too. Although our country is considered to have market economy now (when many economists still think that it is only on its way to it) and outlooks of Russian economists have greatly improved during the last 10 years, the opinions of most of the foreign economists still differ from those of ours which makes studying economics abroad very interesting and useful experience to acquire especially when foreign economic education in developed countries is still thought to be one of the best in the world. Thatís why I have decided that going abroad to study economics would be once in a lifetime opportunity for me not to miss.

    1. The EuropeanBusinessSchoolLondon
    England is now a country which is known to be one of the most developed nations of our world and as its economy has successfully overcome quite a lot of economic crises and recessions it has definitely been not an easy way for English nation to pass. And passing it is due not only to the English government but also to outstanding English economists. This says us about the fact that English economic school has a lot to tell about now.
    So I would like to study in the European Business School London as I believe that studying economics in England and particularly in London is a really unique experience to obtain. I would like to learn about all of the different aspects of economic science whether it is finances, accounting or some basic economic knowledge in a way they are teached by English teachers, professors and entrepreneurs and compare them with those I have already obtained when studying economics in Russia. Learning economics in England is so worthful in my opinion as this countryís famous economists have put really big contribution in developing economic science on the whole and have leaded their country to market economy which we could see nowadays. So I think that English professors thus know how to teach economics in a right and understandable way and have both really good academic and practical knowledge of it. I believe that this knowledge would be really valuable for me when using it in Russian practice.
    An additional knowledge on different economic subjects when studying in The European Business School London could be also acquired on International lectures with Ambassadors and senior executives from leading international companies which the School organizes every spring and autumn. I think that this kind of lectures would be really worth attending as their lecturers as well as having good academic knowledge of the subject also have big practical experience which would be very interesting to learn about for the students. London is also considered a Financial Capital of Europe and this gives one the opportunity to attend different business forums and exhibitions which are held there.
    Another factor in favour of the European Business School London is that it is rather an International than an English one when speaking about the students studying there. This could provide a great chance of meeting people from all over the world and sharing some business, study and just life experience with them. And as the School is an international one, the other advantage it has is the availability of studying foreign language such as German, French etc. there and I would really like to take one if it possible.
    So in my opinion England is almost a perfect country to study economics at and it also would be really useful not only to study in English but also to be able to improve my general knowledge of it in day-to-day situations speaking to native speakers. Although I have been in England for several times already and studied in English-language schools there I really would like to come back again (this time as a student of the economic School) as I am also interested in knowing more about this country on the whole, about its culture, traditions and people who live there.

    THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! Any comments would be greatly appreciated!

  2. #2
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Need help with my sister's piece of writing

    Flash, here are some thoughts and suggestions:
    Economics which I have chosen to be closely connected with my future profession is - Economics, which I is closely connected with my chosen future profession, is
    really valuable- don't use 'really' in formal writing- very
    day-to-day life of everyone too- delete 'of everyone'- it seems unnecessary to me
    have market economy- a
    when many economists still think that it is only on its way to it- though many economists think ..way towards this
    from those of ours- from ours
    useful experience- a
    in developed countries- dodgy phrase to me- I wouldn't think of Russia as a developing country, which this implies- maybe western???
    Thatís - no contractions
    EuropeanBusinessSchoolLondon- spaces??/
    it has definitely been not an easy way for English nation to pass- sounds translated- this has not been a smooth path for the British (also, shouldn't we talk about Britain rather than England?)
    And passing it is due not only to the English government but also to outstanding English economists- Coming through these is not only down to ...
    and particularly in London- commas
    in a way they are teached - ...the way..taught
    is so worthful in my opinion- worthwhile??
    put really big contribution - made a great contribution
    So I think that English professors thus - delete either 'so' or 'thus'
    in a right and understandable way- in a clear way
    it in Russian practice- in a Russian context/in Russia
    big practical experience- great
    rather an International than an English one- the student body is very international
    a Financial Capital- the
    of meeting- to meet
    study economics at - in

  3. #3
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    Default Re: Need help with my sister's piece of writing

    Also -- a personal bugbear of mine -- is "England" really the right word? England is only a part of Great Britain. In particular, there is no such thing as an English government -- in fact, some people are campaigning to have an English Parliament set up. Although Scotland does have its own Parliament and Wales its Assembly, they are subordinate to the British government.

  4. #4
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    Default Re: Need help with my sister's piece of writing

    Thanks for the replies, tdol and rewboss!

    tdol, as I said, I knew there would be some serious errors in this piece of writing (like teached instead of taught). The reason for it is probably that my sister didn't have much time to try to correct what she'd written.
    You're right that Russia's not a developed country. At least, now. What a pity!

  5. #5
    Tdol is offline Editor, UsingEnglish.com
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    Default Re: Need help with my sister's piece of writing

    I didn't say it was right- I was questioning it, because I wouldn't classify it as such.

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