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  1. #1
    black_white is offline Newbie
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    Smile The Interruption (story writing)

    This is a practise peice of story writing. can you please give me a suitable grade (A, B OR C...) that i might get if this was an IGCSE exam? Please comment on how I could improve. Thanks in advance!

    The Interruption

    The cyanide was working. She stood there staring at her husband who was lying on the floor, silently gasping for breath, in that tiny apartment overlooking the sea. His left hand was clutching her foot, and his right hand was crushing the candy she had given him a minute before. They stared at each other in disbelief, and after a minute of painful silence, the battle was over.

    Beads of sweat rolled down her forehead and mixed with the tears she was trying to fight back. Suddenly the room seemed ten times warmer, and she was feeling faint and dizzy. Her feet were getting wobbly and her skin was turning pale. She tried her best not to look at the corpse, but the urge was unbearable. As she stared at the face she had faith in until yesterday, a kaleidoscope of memories captivated her mind.

    She was reminiscing every moment she shared with him. The memory of the day they first met, thirteen years ago, in that college corridor, was the first to cross her mind. Not long after that she was reminded of their first fight and also their first night together in that very room. They shared so many blissful and happy memories together, that it was hard to recall all of them. But it wasn't hard to forget what she saw yesterday. Yesterday, for the first time in her life she felt betrayed, as another woman entered her husband’s life. She was crying, or rather mourning, in sorrow, not because of losing her husband but because of the disgust he caused to her on the second last day of his life.

    After a few minutes of bitter silence her hands were quivering with guilty bravery. She decided it was time to erase him out of her life completely and dump him somewhere he could not be found. She was wrapping him up in a white cloth, when suddenly she was interrupted. Someone was knocking at the wooden door, and the sound echoed through her mind. She did not move. The unknown person tapped on the door again. Silence. Then she heard a fierce voice saying- “Welcome to the 50th episode of Sherlock Holmes”.

  2. #2
    Gillnetter is offline Key Member
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    Re: The Interruption (story writing)

    Quote Originally Posted by black_white View Post
    This is a practise peice piece of story writing. Can you please give me a suitable grade (A, B OR C...) that i I might get if this was an IGCSE exam? Please comment on how I could improve. Thanks in advance!

    The Interruption

    The cyanide was working. She stood there staring at her husband who was lying on the floor, silently gasping for breath, in that tiny apartment overlooking the sea. His left hand was clutching her foot, and his right hand was crushing the candy she had given him a minute before. They stared at each other in disbelief, and after a minute of painful silence, the battle was over.

    Beads of sweat rolled down her forehead and mixed with the tears she was trying to fight back. Suddenly the room seemed ten times warmer, and she was feeling faint and dizzy. Her feet were getting wobbly and her skin was turning pale. She tried her best not to look at the corpse, but the urge was unbearable. As she stared at the face she had had faith in until yesterday, a kaleidoscope of memories captivated her mind.

    She was reminiscing every moment she shared with him. The memory of the day they first met, thirteen years ago, in that college corridor, was the first to cross her mind. Not long after that she was reminded of their first fight and also their first night together in that very room. They shared so many blissful and happy memories together, that it was hard to recall all of them. But it wasn't hard to forget what she saw yesterday. Yesterday, for the first time in her life she felt betrayed, as another woman (had) entered her husband’s life. She was crying, or rather mourning, in sorrow, not because of losing her husband but because of the disgust he caused to her on the second last day of his life. ("...the disgust he caused to her..." doesn't work here. You could try, "because of the disgust he caused her to have..." but even that is unnatural. It might be better to write something like, "...because of the disgust she felt for him...". Also, "...on the second last day of his life" is odd. I would delete this part)

    After a few minutes of bitter silence her hands were quivering with guilty (Maybe, "false bravery" or "bravery tinged with guilt") bravery. She decided it was time to erase him out of her life completely and dump him somewhere (where) he could not be found. She was wrapping him up in a white cloth, when suddenly she was interrupted. Someone was knocking at the wooden door, and the sound echoed through her mind. She did not move. The unknown person tapped on the door again. Silence. Then she heard a fierce voice saying- “Welcome to the 50th episode of Sherlock Holmes”.
    If you were my student I would give you a grade of A-. The parts about "disgust" and "the second last day" would bring your grade down from an A.

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