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  1. #1
    Andris is offline Newbie
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    Post Please proofread my press release.

    Hello!

    I've assembled a press release text for my indie game. Please, this is not an advertisement and the game name is specifically not included. Correct grammar shall be very important for a PR, the audience are journalists and grammatical errors make them to reject a PR quickly. I did my best, but am far from certain about the grammar, punctuation, general syntax. Please can anybody proofread the following text? (Lines starting with # are not important, though I've included them so that the context is perhaps clearer). I appreciate your help. Thank you very much!

    #headline
    Become The King Of The Pyramid!


    #summary
    [GameName] is a pyramid building board game for all ages. Place the final ball on top and become the king of the pyramid! Train your mind and memory. Play against a human opponent or computer. Even kids can handle the easy controls. Ideal for family members and couples to challenge their intelligence against each other in a two player game. Choose a suitable rule complexity according to your skills. Collect achievement points and share your scores on-line in Game Center.


    #body
    [GameName] is a pyramid building board game for all ages. In the game, you want to be one who places the final ball onto the top of the pyramid. It is based on simple rules, which are taught during an interactive tutorial. Two variations of the basic rule set are making the game suitable for kids as well as for experienced players and adults. The game can be played by one or two people. One player can play against artificial intelligence, two players can play against each other on the same device. It is ideal for family members and couples who want to challenge their intelligence and/or want to relax during a break, travel and so on. A round can be finished in a time under 1 minute, though beginners and children can amuse themselves for 10 and more minutes and there is no time limit enforced. The two players are building a pyramid of balls. Each player possesses a set of 15 balls, either light or dark, and by a simple tap onto the screen places a ball to grow the pyramid. The pyramid is viewed from the top. The base of the pyramid is a 4x4 grid. Once four balls are placed next to each other and making a square, they can support another ball, which can be placed on top of them, forming a second level of the pyramid. The pyramid has a total of four levels. At the fourth level, there is just one ball, which is placed last, by the player who becomes the winner, the king of the pyramid. At any time, a player can decide to pick up a ball from the pyramid, which doesn't support any other ball, and move it to a higher level of the pyramid, if there are four balls in a square, that can support it. By that he saves one ball in his reserve in that turn. If the player succeeds to make a square of four balls of the same color, he can remove up to two balls anywhere from the pyramid, that do not support anything, and return them to the reserve, thus saving up to two balls in that turn. The main strategy is to save as many balls of a color as possible during game, so that a player can place the last ball on top of the pyramid and win. There are two variations of this basic rules. Kids can play an easy game, in which balls only can be saved by picking them up and moving them to a higher level. The experienced players may enjoy an extended rule set, in which up to two balls may be removed from the pyramid, in case the player creates a square or row of balls of the same color. The controls are awesomely simple. Balls can be placed, picked up in order to be moved, and removed from the pyramid by a single tap, which is easy for kids and allows for fast and agile matches for the experienced players. Scores can be shared with friends on-line in Game Center. Several gameplay goals can be achieved and rewarded by achievement points in Game Center. Stylish and restful background music will keep the player focused and can be turned off, so that the player can listen to his favorite iTunes tracks instead. Soft graphics in wood and cute cartoon-style player avatars will keep the family in a good mood all the time. We wish you fun and friendly matching!
    ###

  2. #2
    Andris is offline Newbie
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    Re: Please proofread my press release.

    Hello again,


    I hope that anybody is not in the middle of a proofread at the moment! I reviewed the text by myself and did a few minor changes yet. Now it should really be just a few missing and/or superfluous commas, as to my best knowledge of the english language. Hopefully easy for you to read and eventually correct. This should really be the final version of mine. Very curious, what am I going to learn from you. :) This is my very first PR and actually the first game as well. Thank you very much for your kind corrections! I appreciate!




    #headline
    Become The King Of The Pyramid!


    #summary
    [GameName] is a pyramid building board game for all ages. Place the final ball on top and become the king of the pyramid! Train your mind and memory. Play against a human opponent or computer. Ideal for family members and couples to challenge their intelligence against each other in a two player game. Even kids can handle the easy controls. Choose rules of a complexity that suits you best. Collect achievement points and share your scores on-line in Game Center.


    #body
    [GameName] is a pyramid building board game for all ages. In the game, you want to be one who places the final ball on top of the pyramid. It is ideal for family members and couples who want to challenge their intelligence against each other and/or want to relax during a break, travel and so on. It is based on simple rules, which the player will learn in an interactive tutorial. Two variations of the basic rule set are making the game suitable for kids as well as for experienced players. The game can be played by one or two people. One player can play against artificial intelligence, two players can play against each other on the same device. A round can be finished in a time under 1 minute, though beginners and children can amuse themselves for 10 and more minutes, and there is no time limit enforced. The two players are building a pyramid of balls. Each player possesses a set of 15 balls, either light or dark, and by a simple tap onto the screen places a ball to grow the pyramid. The pyramid is viewed from top. The base of the pyramid is a 4x4 grid. Once four balls are placed next to each other and are making a square, they can support another ball, which can be placed on top of them, forming a second level of the pyramid. The pyramid has a total of four levels. At the fourth level, there is just one ball, which is placed last by the player who becomes the winner, the king of the pyramid. At any time, a player can decide to pick up a ball anywhere from the pyramid, which doesn't support any other ball, and move it to a higher level of the pyramid, if there are four balls in a square, that can support it. By that he saves one ball in his reserve, in that turn. If the player succeeds to make a square of four balls of the same color, he can remove up to two balls anywhere from the pyramid, that do not support anything, and return them to the reserve, thus saving up to two balls in that turn. The main strategy is to save as many balls of a color as possible during game, so that a player can place the last ball on top of the pyramid and win. There are two variations of this basic rules. Kids can play an easy game, in which balls only can be saved by picking them up and moving them to a higher level. The experienced players may enjoy an extended rule set, in which up to two balls may be removed from the pyramid also in case the player creates a row of balls of the same color. The controls are awesomely simple. Balls can be placed, picked up in order to be moved, and removed from the pyramid by a single tap, which is easy for kids and allows for fast and agile matches for the experienced players. Scores can be shared with friends on-line in Game Center. Several gameplay goals can be achieved and rewarded by achievement points in Game Center. Stylish and restful background music will keep the player focused but can be turned off, so that the player can listen to his favorite iTunes tracks instead. Soft graphics in wood and cute cartoon-style player avatars will keep the family in a good mood all the time. We wish you fun and friendly matching!
    ###

  3. #3
    Andris is offline Newbie
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    Re: Please proofread my press release.

    Hello, please do NOT proofread, I realize that it doesn't have the correct form of a PR at all (should all be in third person if possible), which is perhaps one of the reasons why it wasn't easily "proofreadable" for anyone, and I'm going to rework it a bit on my own yet, remove gender bias; and what is so going to come to my mind during my own research about the english language on the internet ;) Thank you for having read it anyway!

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